Rating:
www.rumchata.com

Never, in all my years of reviewing rum, have I ever described a product as “thicker than milk, but thinner than a shake.” But then, I’ve never reviewed a rum cream before. Truth be told, there’s not that many of them on the market – only two or three to my knowledge. And of those I’d tried, they were good and all, but they were pretty much akin to Bailey’s Irish Cream, but made with rum.

Not so with RumChata – this is as different from Bailey’s as rum is from vodka. Yes it’s white, and yes it’s creamy. But RumChata boasts an assortment of smells and flavors that I’ve never before encountered in a rum (or booze-cream) product. The key here is the “chata,” being derived from Horchata. Horchata, for those that don’t know (I didn’t know) is a Mexican/Central American treat made from rice, and this connection is immediately apparent when you poor yourself a glass of RumChata. The smell of rice – think rice pudding, not that stuff you mix with Chinese takeout – is by far the most prominent flavor, both to the nose and the tongue alike. But there is more – rum, vanilla, and cinnamon are also apparent, as is a hint of coconut (which actually isn’t present at all, but it’s just a trick of the rice.) [read more »]

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www.marooned-lv.com
Genre: Contemporary Pirate Folk
Rating: PG
Target Audience: Fans of folk and faire style pirate tunes. Sad, sad ones.

The thing about the band Marooned is that you should never listen to them while drinking rum. It’s not that they aren’t piratey – it’s just that alcohol can promote depression, and so can Marooned. Slow and somber, mostly a capella songs of death and despair, it’s best to stay sober lest you start blubbering into your mug. But even if you prefer your rum cut with the salty bitterness of your own tears, at least take a moment to hide the rope and razorblades. [read more »]

Rating:
www.krakenrum.com

By and large I don’t give spiced rum much consideration these days. Sure, rum&cokes are fine things now and then, and the rare exception of Kilo Kai managed to tap into spiced rum’s more impressive potential, but mostly I prefer my rum untarnished (‘neat’, as landlubbers call it.) I do owe Captain Morgan’s Private Stock a debt of gratitude, as it ushered my early days of rum consumption, being rather more approachable than others available to me. But over time I found myself outgrowing Private Stock as its cheap alcohol undertones became more noticeable beneath a seeming increasingly thin veil of spiciness.

So yeah, the world of spiced rum largely remained outside of my field of vision – but then along came the Kraken (‘Along Came the Kraken,’ incidentally, sounds like the title of a smashing children’s book or romantic comedy, but I digress.) First off, you can’t mention Kraken Rum without mentioning their ad compaign – one minute spent at their website will tell you that this is a rum company that not only has great pride in their product, but a smashing sense of humor to boot. Whatever Kraken pays their ad guys, it’s not enough. But fun videos and goofy humor aside, ultimately the proof is always in the pudding, and I’ve been hurt before. So let’s examine the rum on its own terms…

[read more »]

Brace yerselves, mates, for it’s the end of an era. For decades the spiced rum market has been dominated by one name – Captain Morgan (The REAL Morgan, by the way, was a poser pirate and a traitor to the cause. Plus he couldn’t sail for damn, so it’s fitting that sooner or later his namesake rum would be sunk.) Well, no longer – Kraken Rum is on the scene, and they stand ready to do some serious damage to their competitor’s market share. Why? Simple – Kraken Rum is the BEST RUM EVER.

Of course, I haven’t actually tried it yet. But check out the promotional package they sent me:

One bottle of Kraken Spiced Rum, one CD full of the Kraken’s tales, a hardbound book of stories, history, and recipes, genuine (likely fake) kraken ink and tooth, a wall chart showing the kraken’s enormous scale – even a personal letter addressed to their “Esteemed Colleague.” That’s right – *I’m* an esteemed colleague of Kraken Rum! I bet next Christmas they’ll even invite me over for dinner. And did I mention it was all in a custom Kraken box, sealed in wax? I mean, seriously, when’s the last time Captain Morgan, or any of those other wannabe spiced rums (I’m looking at you Sailor Jerry and Kilo Kai) ever sent me something this nice? The answer: NEVER.

Soon I’ll actually taste the rum. And then write a review. Until then, I remain confident in my statement that Kraken Rum is the best rum I ain’t never tasted. Oh, and don’t forget to check out their website.

Rating:
www.apiratesquest.com

Pirates… we need more of them. And where do we get more pirates? From little pirates, of course. This is why it’s so important that that wee ones are inundated with pirates during their upbringing. Sure, they should be made to read Treasure Island, and forced to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean flicks again and again and again – but it’s also vital that the necessary pirate exposure occurs in unexpected and surprising ways. Such as in a children’s video about the importance of moving water in our world – yeah, stuff like that. [read more »]

Rating:
Mount Gay used to be cool, but now it’s one of *them*.

I’m giving this rum zero stars. Is it really a zero star rum? No – probably a three and a half would be more fitting. Maybe even four. But I’m a longtime fan of Mount Gay Extra Old – a $30 rum that easily achieves 4.5 stars. And so when I try Mount Gay’s new, $100 bottle, I have high expectations. And sadly, these expectations came crashing down. Not because it’s bad, but because its sophistication has reached such a level that it no longer feels like a “rum” experience. Mount Gay 1703 has forgotten rum’s roguish past, and this is why I give it no stars whatsoever. [read more »]

Rating:
www.skullbrandedpirates.com
Genre: Pirate Metal
Rating: PG
Target Audience: Metal-Heads and fan of Pirate-Core

There’s just something about pirate metal. While musically they couldn’t be further removed from actual historical pirates, there’s something in their dress/manner/attitude that makes you believe they “get it.” Blackbeard might have drunkenly sang the songs of the folk singer, but I’d bet gold dust that he’d rather party with the metal-heads. [read more »]

Rating:
www.piratecaptainsguide.com

Using piracy as a vehicle to teach a non-piratey subject can be a tricky thing. The difficulty involves the careful balance that must be maintained – too much pirateyness and you lose sight of the substantive content, thereby reducing your work into a mere novelty. But too little pirateyness and… well, maybe that’s not always such a bad thing.

In “A Pirate Captain’s Guide to Leadership”, author Doug Heatherly demonstrates that when it comes to pirates, sometimes less is more. Certainly the book begins with many references to the tactics utilized by pirates and their commanders, and draws numerous analogies to the modern work environment. [read more »]

Rating:

www.sideshowtoy.com

By all accounts, Blackbeard was a beast among men – towering over his contemporaries, and piratey to the core. Well, this new collectable figure from Sideshow Collectibles is no different. Standing at a whopping 19 inches, and with a scowl that could melt granite, this rendering of Blackbeard is truly the meanest, pirateyest thing to come across my desk in some time. Striking a “Captain Morgan” pose atop a demolished cannon (which he probably head-butted), Blackbeard stands poised for a moment to catch his breath between slaughterins. His blade is drenched in naval blood, while his enormous flintlock (actually, a doglock I believe) stands ready to bring a quick end to the next bloke that looks at him funny. All together, this statuette captures a moment of Blackbeard’s life that not only sums up his own legend, but pretty much defines the legend of Caribbean piracy in its entirity. [read more »]

Rating:
Do I really need to review this? I mean, c’mon – it’s a children’s book, and it’s titled “Henry and the Crazed Chicken Pirates”. Seriously, that’s all the info you need to determine whether this book is for you. Oh, and perhaps I should point out that the Crazed Chicken Pirates also seem to be Airship Pirates – so bonus for all you steam-heads out there.

The story begins by explaining the daily life of the Buccaneer Bunnies – proper scalliwaggs that spend their time the way I’d spend *my* time given the opportunity – not raiding and pillaging, but rather lounging about on a tropical island and shooting each other out of cannons. The fun comes to an end, however, when Henry – the youngest of these pirate rodents – discovers a note in a bottle that threatens impending danger. Most of the pirate scoff, but Henry takes the warning seriously and begins preparations. I won’t tell you how it ends, but here’s a hint: It involves Crazed Chicken Pirates (in an airship). [read more »]