So in all my years of Bilgemunky.com, I’ve never reviewed a pirate app. I guess that’s largely because, until recently, I didn’t own a phone smart enough to handle such things. My phone was ok for making phone calls, was mil-spec rated for dust and vibration resistance, and could handle about 23 seconds of submergence in what I’d love to claim was rum, but was actually some sort of knockoff cool aid. Did I say 23 seconds? Cuz 24 seconds means it’s time to buy a new iPhone, as I recently learned.

Yup, I can now review pirate apps! And it just so happens that one was recently brought to my attention. Bridge the Gap: a Pirate’s Life for Me! is a quasi-physics based game in which the player must prepare the rough terrain with bridges prior to releasing a crew of pirates who are far too trusting of rickety architecture.

The “rough terrain” in this game is largely comprised of cliffs and jagged rocks, upon which our hapless pirates will gladly destroy themselves like so many cartoon lemmings if you fail to prepare a safe passage. Doing so requires dropping planks and barrels into makeshift bridges – easy enough at first, but increasingly difficult at higher levels.

Gameplay is fun, albeit occasionally a little buggy, and the piratey graphics and sound effects are quite cute. And for only 99 cents, it provides more than enough challenging entertainment while waiting around for the train, bloodwork results, or the next episode of Bilgemunky Radio.

Tired of drinking rum the old fashioned way (straight from the bottle with the smell of burning ships in the air)? Of course not – yer a bloody pirate! But even a bloody pirate can enjoy mixing things up once in a while - figuratively AND literal. With his first book, Kahuna Kevin introduced us to a wide assortment of original rum-based cocktails. 40 concoctions of varying complexity featuring a large number of our favorite rums. And now, with Why is the Rum Gone? Volume 2, Kahuna brings us another 52 masterpieces suited to all sorts of skill-levels and tastes.

That last point can’t be emphasized enough. There was a time that I thought rum-drinkers fell into one of only two camps – those that enjoyed rum properly (straight up from a broken tankard), and those that enjoyed tropical froo-froo drinks with umbrellas on top. And in all truth, there’s nothing wrong with froo-froo drinks, and Kahuna caters with the likes of the Screaming Mimi (gold rum, plum bitters, black currant syrup, pineapple juice). But even those of us who prefer a little more swagger in our mugs can find a mixed drink to our liking. Consider La Tortuga Tortura, which features maple syrup, overproof rum, bitters, and smoked chipotle tabasco sauce. Or how about El Zacapa Exclusiva, which features all of three ingredients: Rum, rum, and more rum. Those who prefer some ironic humor in their drinks also won’t be disappointed as they enjoy a Sarlacc (garnished with a Boba Fett action figure) or the Hedgehog Bowl (featuring Ron de Jeremy rum, of course.)

That’s right – all tastes, all mixology skill levels. BUT, as before you will need a remarkably well and diversely stocked bar. Start collecting those Star Wars action figures and pink umbrellas as well, because drinks of this caliber must be presented with pride!

Blackbeard Spiced Rum has risen to the challenge of bearing Teach’s title, but does it live up? In the bottle, its classy and striking, with a black lable and stylized artwork of the man himself. The rum inside is a basic brownish amber, and upon opening you’re instantly greeted with a surprisingly robust vanilla aroma.

Blackbeard was never a pirate to pull punches, and this rum is no different. It meets the tongue boldly with a strong tingly sensation, flavors of vanilla and caramel, and just a hint of wood. When warmed in the mouth it thickens and softens with a comforting warmth and hints of maple, but upon swallowing and allowing air to once again hit your tongue a second wave of tingling strikes with an envigorating vengence. This is not a rum of subtlety, it’s a rum to be recognized.

While not a premium spiced rum that I’d typically choose to enjoy on its own, Blackbeard Spiced Rum has a bold strength that should add character for any number of mixed rum drinks, from the basic Rum&Coke (or in this case, a Black&Coke) to any number of more exotic concoctions. Blackbeard Spiced may not contain any actual gunpowder, but it holds its own just the same.

True story: My 2012 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar was hand-delivered to me by Caribbean Pearl (2011 calendar girl, ongoing pirate celebrity, and associate of Tiger Lee). I took a quick look at the cover and said something along the lines of, “cute cover girl this year.” Pearl raised an eyebrow at me, covered the image’s heaving cleavage with her hand and asked, “what do you think of her now?”

I reexamined the 2012 cover girl that I’d just complimented, and my smile quickly turned to one of shock. “Oh my god,” I cried, “She looks 15*! And spiteful!”

Pearl smiled at me sympathetically.

I share this story because it brings to light an important, if oft overlooked, benefit of hanging a Hot Pirate Babe calendar on your wall. As pirate enthusiasts, many of us attend several pirate festivals throughout the year. Also in attendance, likely as not, is cleavage. Lots and lots of cleavage. It can be overwhelming, and even a little dangerous, because cleavage can sometimes (usually) distract the onlooker from what lurks beyond the cleavage – namely a woman’s inner beauty/crazy/intellect/spitefulness, as the case may be. And this leads us to the true benefit of this calendar. 12 months of pirate hotness, always accompanied by heaving cleavage. As with a tetanus shot, this repeated low-dosage exposure can galvanize your immune system, thereby making you less vulnerable to the real thing. It’s a theory, anyway.

In past years I’ve done a detailed, month-by-month comparison of the girls – which ones are sexiest (June and October), which ones are angriest (March), which ones are good at winking (August), and which ones aren’t (September). But this year it feels rather unnecessary – you already know if you want this calendar, and all I need do is assure you it maintains master photographer Tiger Lee’s historical standards for capturing female pirate hotness in its many and varied forms (which it most certainly does.)

So yes, consider yourself assured that fans of previous Hot Pirate Babes can look forward to another year of the piratey hotness you’ve come to expect. And if you’re a reader who’s currently saying, “Hot Pirate Babes Calendar? I never knew such a think existed! But should I really purchase such a thing in a down economy?” then just remember that you’re not only getting an awesome calendar, you’re also building a mighty fortress in your heart and mind against the powers of cleavage throughout 2012 – and can you really put a price tag on that?

*”looks” being the operative word – all of the Hot Pirate Babes are 18+

www.piratesanta.com

Got some pirate younkers in the house that need a proper Christmas tale? The sort that has less to do with Santa, and somewhat more to do with Slappy Claus, a mermaid, and eight tiny tiger sharks?

Much like Jack Skellington before them, the inventors of Talk Like a Pirate Day have set their sights on the Yule-tide season in their quest for total holiday domination. Does it all end in comical disaster as did Nightmare Before Christmas, or are the Pirate Guys savvy enough commandeer the king of all holidays?

Well, to answer that you’ll obviously need to read the book. But suffice to say, Slappy and Chumbucket aren’t alone in their mission – they’re assisted by several known names from the modern pirate community, including Mad Sally (wife of Chumbucket), Stynky (Pyracy Pub), Talderoy, (Studio City Tattoo), and several others (and, of course, the eight tiny tiger sharks.)

Charmingly written and illustrated, Pirate Santa is a tale that looks out for the “unconventionally” good child – those that tend  to engage in a little good-natured mischief throughout the year, and therefore might find themselves unfairly bounced into Santa’s naughty list. It’s these kids – PIRATE KIDS – that Cap’n Slappy has in mind when he dons the red.

Odds are, if you read Bilgemunky Reviews, then you already have a pirate ornament or two on your Christmas tree. You might even have a pirate stocking, and there’s at least a 50% chance your family, upon reading your gift wish list, have asked you, “what’s a blunderbuss?” If this indeed describes you, and if there are any knee-biting nieces, nephews, or direct offspring in your life, then Pirate Santa is practically a no- brainier. Check it out!

In the history of pirates on the silver screen, only a handful of films have managed to capture piracy in such a manner as to transcend fact, transcend history, and cut straight to the heart of the matter. I speak of course of rum-sodden stupor. In this way, Treachery and a Dead Man’s Promise surpasses all other pirate movies as it rolls beneath the tavern bench, belching gunpowder and occasionally waking up just long enough to start a bar fight before passing out in the alley – PIRATE STYLE.

Let’s be clear, this is a fan film. 20 odd minutes of dubious acting filmed on location at renfaire, the beach, and the woods with questionable dialogue featuring pirate accents of varying skill and consistency. And ninjas, lots and lots of time-traveling ninjas. Oh, and a sea hag who I think gave the ninja sea herpes or something like that. SPOILER ALERT – that last sentence contained a spoiler.

Not only is this a film made by pirate fans, but it’s also most definitely a film FOR pirate fans. Reason being, the cast is a virtual who’s who of the southern California pirate scene. Aside from the primary roles filled by Oderless Eye and Captain Syn, supporting cast includes Michael Lampe (co-captain of No Quarter Given), Mad Eye Mitch (organizer of Pyrates Daze), Mad Davy Flynt (Silversmith to the Stars), and many others. And if you note that one of your favorite’s isn’t represented, you can always assume they’re disguised as one of the ninjas.

Some pirate films are better when you’re drunk, and others make you feel like you already are. Treachery and a Dead Man’s Promise has the distinction of being both. Check it out for an oddly piratey (and ninja-y) time.

Don Q Rum, named for the windmill-slaying Don Quixote, boasts a commendable line of standard and flavored rums, with Gran Anejo being their flagship, top-of-the-shelf label. The packaging alone is a spectacle – a lovely, squarish glass bottle housed in a golden, satin-lined box that remarkably slides open from the center. But the fun doesn’t end there, as the bottle’s glass stopper is hollowed out in such a way as to measure out a shot for you –  a bit gimmicky, sure, but so spiffy that I just can’t find it in my heart to criticize.

The rum inside is a straightforward amber, and to the nose smells of cane and bananas. On the tongue you’re quickly met with a profound tingle. As the rum settle in your mouth this is replaced with a sweet creaminess. And on swallowing the finish lingers a remarkably long time, beginning gently and then building strength over the next several moments – a rum that keeps on giving.

Don Q Gran Anejo isn’t exactly the sort of rum that scalawags would slug from their cracked mugs, but does nicely showcase the higher end, gentler flavor profiles so popular these days amongst the more “genteel” rum enthusiasts.

In case you require clarification, I love rum. Also, I love a good cocktail. Yet, strangely enough, aside from the occasional Mai Tai my mixed drinks of choice typically hail from the bourbon/whiskey camps – rum is rarely a piece of the equation.

Of course, that was before I learned of Kahuna Kevin’s “Why Is the Rum Gone? A collection of 40 tiki-licious rum cocktails.” That’s right – no less than 40 ORIGINAL rum drinks ranging from the sweet to the savory, and with such pirate-appropriate names as the Addled Wench, Blackbeard’s Depth Charge, Headhunter’s Punch, and yes, even the Scurvy Mouthbanger.

Ok, fancy names aside, how are the drinks? Before I answer that, let me tell you a little about the sort of obnoxiously spoiled drinker I am. When it comes to mixed drinks, I lead a remarkably charmed life – most bartenders I frequent have won international mixology competitions. They often make their own bitters, grow their own herbs, and some even carry degrees in the culinary arts. In short, rum&cokes don’t impress me, and if you top off my Manhattan with one of those crap dayglo-red maraschino cherries you get at Pick’n'Save, you may as well have strained the drink through an old tubesock.

So yeah, THAT’S the standard against which Kahuna Kevin is being measured, which is why I was so astounded at the shear artistry found within these pages. Angostura bitters, orange bitters, nutmeg, maple syrup, allspice, clove, bacon, vanilla… the ingredients list strays far and wide, making for a whole range of wonderfully unique drinks with remarkably complex flavors. But beware, this sort of inspiration does come at a cost – not only will you need dozens of rums (each drink is very specific in identifying which brand will best suit) and hundreds of ingredients if you hope to sample all 40 cocktails, but even individual drinks average 12 or so components. Indeed, the Headless Zombie boasts a whopping 17 ingredients, while the relatively modest Caramel Rebellion still chimes in at six. What I’m saying is, these drinks require some dedication and craftsmanship to bring to fruition, but if you’re up to the task you’re sure to be richly rewarded.

I’ve often been a vocal proponent of drinking rum as God intended – straight up, and perhaps directly from the bottle. But, much like when the devil invented rock music, Kahuna Kevin has shown us that even God might have missed a few gems along the way. For drinks like these, mixing up some top shelf rum isn’t only forgivable, but art.

Buy it Now
Let me set a scene for you. You and your mates are at a glorious pirate festival, bedecked in your swashbuckling finery. And then, as so often happens in these dark times, a gaggle of steampunks approach you and ask something like, “Pardon me, good sirs, indubitably, do you happen to know the location of the afternoon tea party, as it were? Harumph, pip pip?”

What exactly is the best response to this dreadful occurrence? Some might opt for the “stab first” option, but this often leads to trouble as it requires violating the festival’s peace-tie policy. Others might instead launch a small barrage of profanity, but in truth a cursing pirate sometimes comes across more like Yosemite Sam than we care to admit, which could leave you vulnerable to heckling (believe me, nothing is more painful than watching a steampunk do his Yosemite Sam impression at your expense). And so I would offer a third, wholly superior option – club the steampunk commander upside the head with a five gallon rum barrel. Pretty sweet, eh?

But wait, before you go and worry that manslaughter with a barrel is only marginally less troublesome than the aforementioned stabbing option, know this – YOUR rum barrel in this case is actually made from a Nerf-like foam rubber, intricately painted to look real in every sense. You smack the steampunk upside his pompous noggin and he dutiful emits a ladylike yelp. But then, upon realizing he’s unharmed, he has no choice but to play the role of the gentlemanly good sport, laughing nervously and saying, “Pip pip jolly good, excelsior.” The two of you share an awkwardly chummy moment, and the steampunk doesn’t even notice as his mistress/maid/jetpack-wearing-librarian runs off with your first mate, or that your cabinboy is pouring tar into the gears of his lunch box.

THAT’S how you deal with steampunks, and it wouldn’t have been possible without a foam barrel from the Sea Critters Collection by Hallow’s Keep Creations. About the size of a breadbox, these barrels look completely real, and yet are as soft and squishy as your favorite teddy bear. Practice “lugging” it around to make it appear heavier than it is, and then enjoy the look of terror in your friends’ eyes as you suddenly launch it at them. Some will laugh as it harmlessly bounces off their chest. Others will carry the grudge forever, but they were never really your friends to begin with.

Well, in this case I needn’t have worried on either account, and this fact is made clear right from the opening sequence. Yes, it starts with a Lego reenactment of the first scene from Curse of the Black Pearl. But then, just when the viewer thinks he knows what’s going to happen next, the Lego figures pull a fast one and do a little pirate dance – and it’s AWESOME. This is the key to this game – playing along with the audience’s expectations, and then suddenly shifting course for comedic effect. And as to the Lego thing? Well, it’s LEGOS!!! Everything is cuter/awesomer/more piratey when Legos are involved. I wouldn’t have believed it, but it’s true. 

First and foremost, Lego PotC is a puzzle game. The player controls the hero figures (who vary throughout the game to include pretty much all the favorite characters, major and minor, from throughout the movie franchise) to explore dungeons, rescue captives, demolish buildings, etc etc. As you travel throughout the pirate world, it’s remarkable to see how the movies have come to life, albeit in Lego block form. Strangely surreal, but very cool.

Players begin by tackling the Curse of the Black Pearl, and are free to complete a whole series of chapters to tell the entire story. However, they don’t need to complete this first segment to unlock the other movies, as each of the four has its own entire series within this game. As such, Lego PotC can keep you busy for a very, very long time. And if you’re truly a superstar, I understand you can even unlock secret puzzles that go beyond the movie, up to and including a Lego reenactment of the Disney ride that started it all (I’d LOVE to see this, but have a long ways to go before unlocking it.)

If you love Pirates of the Caribbean, then you’re bound to love this video game. If you DON’T love this video game, then you’re probably some kind of monster. Gameplay is easy to learn, but the puzzles are challenging no matter what your age. The humor is fun, the Legos are cute as buttons (especialy when they fight each other) and it’s all about PIRATES. Seriously, what’s not to love?