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Pirates of the Great Salt Lake has been a long, long time coming. The film was actually completed some years ago, but due to the realities of distribution it’s been tied up until just these past few months. This has resulted in no shortage of anticipation from within the pirate community – a group that’s been eagerly awaiting its chance to finally see a film that is for, and more or less about them (or at least, folks sort of like them.)

Being an independent film, Salt Lake understandably lacks the Hollywood polish. For the most part this isn’t a problem as it remains plenty slick on its own merits. It does have two moments of weakness, though – both of which regrettably occur within the first few minutes, and risk audiences prematurely dismissing the movie before it truly begins. The first incident is during a flashback from generations past in which a demonic pirate is seen – it’s relatively silly and reminiscent of a B slasher film. Not that B slasher films are all bad, but this movie is smarter than that. The second incident is when the protagonists, Kirk and Flint, find their first victims – a catamaran with two ladies and some muscle-bound dude. In a film full of great acting, these three extras are amongst the worst imaginable, and look entirely lost for what to do, save for when they look like they’re trying not to laugh. It’s sad because these two events lower the bar of the film, and some viewers may have difficulty recovering in time to get full enjoyment from all that follows. [read more »]

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Nate and Hayes is one of those oft forgotten, semi-classics that’s very existence will surely surprise younger pirate fans – who knew that Tommy Lee Jones starred in a pirate film? (Wait until you learn that so did James Earl Jones, but that’s a future review.) Filmed in 1983, Nate and Hayes is a definite product of its time as it features a decent film effort combined with some wildly dated concepts. But if watched with a forgiving mind, it’s still an enjoyable film and well worth watching.

The story begins at the end, or near enough. We’re introduced to pirate Bully Hayes (Jones), as he attempts to complete an arms smuggling job with some incredibly bizarre island natives (namely white folk in afros wearing matching red and black outfits.) The deal sours, and we witness the deaths of most of the characters we’ve yet to be introduced to, capped off by the capture of Bully Hayes to be hanged for crimes against Spain. It’s in this manner that we’re soon to encounter the movie’s primary storyline – told through a series of flashbacks as Hayes recounts his adventures to a news reporter. [read more »]

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Although it defies all common logic, back in his youth – long before he was the awesomely off-putting Quint in Jaws, and before he was the awkwardly off-putting Ned Lynch in Swashbuckler – Robert Shaw was actually able to cut a somewhat dashing figure – and no where was this more apparent than in his two year portrayal of Captain Dan Tempest in the TV series The Buccaneers, the entirety of which – 39 episodes – is now available as a single DVD set.

Originally airing in 1956, The Buccaneers begins in 1718 New Providence as Governor Woodes Rogers arrives to convert this pirate cesspool into a respectable British colony. To do so he must establish himself as “top dog” amongst a less than receptive populace – wooing the less hardened with pardons, and defeating the worst of the lot – Blackbeard included – in direct combat. [read more »]

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It’s rare to come across a product with no – and I mean do mean zero – value, but Pirate Scurvy Dog’s Pieces of Eight is one such beast. No production value, no plot, no humor, and frankly, no effort. Hell, they could have at least thrown in a little nudity to reward your taking the trouble to watch the thing, but not even that.

Made up of brief segments that seem to be leading to a joke that never quite arrives, it’s much like watching the antics of a pirate-themed late night horror movie host – the kind of host you only tolerate so that you can get back to the movie. But in this case, there is no movie – just more pointless antics. And then, when you’re at the end of your strength and think the segment will go on and on forever, the punchline finally arrives. And guess what? It’s not at all funny. But then another story starts and the cycle continues. [read more »]

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www.piratesxxx.com

Following its release in 2006, Pirates: A Joone Film made movie history. Not only was it the highest budgeted adult film ever, but it was also the first to cross over into mainstream cinema. By cutting the bulk of the sex scenes to establish an R rating, the remaining film was still highly enjoyable – a feature in stark contrast to the adult film stereotype, and certainly a commendable achievement.

Like its presumed inspiration, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates: A Joone Film was a daunting undertaking that was successfully achieved thanks to the “outside of the box” thinking of the production crew, writers, and direction. And also like the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Pirates: A Joone Film’s sequel, Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge managed to fall into a common trap – namely production value over plot. [read more »]

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So Crusoe premiered last week on NBC. I’d posted a review as written by some cynical yahoo – that was my assumption at least, having not seen the show yet myself. Now I have – and yeah, he was a bit of a yahoo. Two men being friends and living on an island together (hardly by choice, mind you) does not a gay duo make. And just because a pirate is a girl pirate does not make her a Keira Knightly wannabe.

BUT, that doesn’t mean this show was great, exactly. It would have been great – had it been broadcast in 1985. Crusoe’s gadgetry seems straight out of MacGuyver or the A-Team, especially when Crusoe and Friday start prepping for an upcoming invasion – I could hear the A-Team soundtrack in my head the whole time. [read more »]

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It’s exceedingly hard to explain the plot of 1980′s The Island without it sounding silly. In a few words, it’s the modern-day story of a reporter and his son being kidnapped and held captive by a crew of inbred pirates who’ve managed to stay under the radar of modern society for 300 years. See? Silly. And yet, not even remotely. Based on a book by the same bloke that wrote Jaws, this is a well crafted story and a decent pirate flick to boot.

The basic deal is this – the famous buccaneer l’Ollonais apparently didn’t die as most historical accounts state (being torn apart alive and eaten by native cannibals), but rather he founded his own society of pirates. His children, grand-children, and great grand-children have continued to raid passing ships by means of acquiring the necessities of life. They honor their past, follow a code, and basically live the “good life”, with the tiny exception that their limited gene pool has begun to bottom out. But never fear – these crafty pirates have learned the key to their salvation. Rather than simply stealing booty, it’s time to start stealing children as well. See? Problem solved. [read more »]

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There are some things in this world I simply don’t understand, and Curse of Pirate Death is one of them. The title alone indicates the creators of this film had no intention of even trying – if anyone can come up with a title that better says, “Generic Low-Budget Pirate Slasher”, I’d like to hear it (but I wouldn’t much care to see it.)

This film is awful. Just bloody awful. The acting is atrocious, the writing worse, and the virtually identical heavy metal music during every action seen is outright bizarre. Ron Jeremy’s cameo is slightly amusing, in that it is almost entirely comprised of him wandering around the woods alone yelling, “hello, anybody out there?” but other than that this film is an all-out dud. [read more »]

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When the bulk of the Monty Python cast teams up with Cheech and Chong to create a pirate movie – and then tosses in a David Bowie cameo just for good measure – the results are sure to be anything but dull. As to whether it’s actually good, well, that’s another question. Yellowbeard straddles that difficult line between genius and awkward, and I can’t quite determine which side of that line it spends most of its time. But while I don’t know that Yellowbeard is actually a good movie, I do know that I enjoyed it, which is all the really matters.

The film follows the exploits of Yellowbeard the pirate, escaping prison after 20 years of incarceration. He is essentially the human embodiment of the Muppets’ character Animal, as he glares out from a face that’s all teeth and wild hair, and spends his time killing, raping (to which the women only seem to marginally object), and – if there’s still time – seeking his long lost treasure. To do so he begrudgingly enlists the aid of his son, who he’d conceived the night before his arrest 20 years prior, as well as the additional aid of Dr. Gilpen and Lord Percy Lambourn (played by Peter Cook, who portrays the clueless drunk with astounding genius.) They’re pursued by the British Navy and government agents (particularly a Blind Pew, a sightless spy with preternatural hearing.) [read more »]

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In the 1990 movie Pretty Woman, Richard Gere said, “Peoples’ reactions to Spongebob Squarepants are very dramatic. Either they love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don’t, they may learn to appreciate it but it will never be a part of their soul.”

Truer words were never spoken. But sadly, I have no way of telling you which category you’ll fall into. If you already love Spongebob, then see the movie. If you hate it, then you should probably stick to a steady diet of the television show until you learn to appreciate it – a feature length film will certainly send you off the deep end if you’re not yet ready for it.

So without delving into the plot – which doesn’t really matter as it’s mainly just entertaining nonsense – let me just state that I LOVE SPONGEBOB and I LOVE HIS MOVIE. And yeah, it even has pirates in it! Live action, smelly, pillaging and singing pirates. Live action pirates, AND a live action David Hasslehoff hydroplaning on his belly while Spongebob and Gary engage in mortal combat against a bounty hunter on his butt. Sound funny? See the movie. Sound painful? Stay at home.

Nothing more need be said.