True story: My 2012 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar was hand-delivered to me by Caribbean Pearl (2011 calendar girl, ongoing pirate celebrity, and associate of Tiger Lee). I took a quick look at the cover and said something along the lines of, “cute cover girl this year.” Pearl raised an eyebrow at me, covered the image’s heaving cleavage with her hand and asked, “what do you think of her now?”

I reexamined the 2012 cover girl that I’d just complimented, and my smile quickly turned to one of shock. “Oh my god,” I cried, “She looks 15*! And spiteful!”

Pearl smiled at me sympathetically.

I share this story because it brings to light an important, if oft overlooked, benefit of hanging a Hot Pirate Babe calendar on your wall. As pirate enthusiasts, many of us attend several pirate festivals throughout the year. Also in attendance, likely as not, is cleavage. Lots and lots of cleavage. It can be overwhelming, and even a little dangerous, because cleavage can sometimes (usually) distract the onlooker from what lurks beyond the cleavage – namely a woman’s inner beauty/crazy/intellect/spitefulness, as the case may be. And this leads us to the true benefit of this calendar. 12 months of pirate hotness, always accompanied by heaving cleavage. As with a tetanus shot, this repeated low-dosage exposure can galvanize your immune system, thereby making you less vulnerable to the real thing. It’s a theory, anyway.

In past years I’ve done a detailed, month-by-month comparison of the girls – which ones are sexiest (June and October), which ones are angriest (March), which ones are good at winking (August), and which ones aren’t (September). But this year it feels rather unnecessary – you already know if you want this calendar, and all I need do is assure you it maintains master photographer Tiger Lee’s historical standards for capturing female pirate hotness in its many and varied forms (which it most certainly does.)

So yes, consider yourself assured that fans of previous Hot Pirate Babes can look forward to another year of the piratey hotness you’ve come to expect. And if you’re a reader who’s currently saying, “Hot Pirate Babes Calendar? I never knew such a think existed! But should I really purchase such a thing in a down economy?” then just remember that you’re not only getting an awesome calendar, you’re also building a mighty fortress in your heart and mind against the powers of cleavage throughout 2012 – and can you really put a price tag on that?

*”looks” being the operative word – all of the Hot Pirate Babes are 18+

Buy it Now
Let me set a scene for you. You and your mates are at a glorious pirate festival, bedecked in your swashbuckling finery. And then, as so often happens in these dark times, a gaggle of steampunks approach you and ask something like, “Pardon me, good sirs, indubitably, do you happen to know the location of the afternoon tea party, as it were? Harumph, pip pip?”

What exactly is the best response to this dreadful occurrence? Some might opt for the “stab first” option, but this often leads to trouble as it requires violating the festival’s peace-tie policy. Others might instead launch a small barrage of profanity, but in truth a cursing pirate sometimes comes across more like Yosemite Sam than we care to admit, which could leave you vulnerable to heckling (believe me, nothing is more painful than watching a steampunk do his Yosemite Sam impression at your expense). And so I would offer a third, wholly superior option – club the steampunk commander upside the head with a five gallon rum barrel. Pretty sweet, eh?

But wait, before you go and worry that manslaughter with a barrel is only marginally less troublesome than the aforementioned stabbing option, know this – YOUR rum barrel in this case is actually made from a Nerf-like foam rubber, intricately painted to look real in every sense. You smack the steampunk upside his pompous noggin and he dutiful emits a ladylike yelp. But then, upon realizing he’s unharmed, he has no choice but to play the role of the gentlemanly good sport, laughing nervously and saying, “Pip pip jolly good, excelsior.” The two of you share an awkwardly chummy moment, and the steampunk doesn’t even notice as his mistress/maid/jetpack-wearing-librarian runs off with your first mate, or that your cabinboy is pouring tar into the gears of his lunch box.

THAT’S how you deal with steampunks, and it wouldn’t have been possible without a foam barrel from the Sea Critters Collection by Hallow’s Keep Creations. About the size of a breadbox, these barrels look completely real, and yet are as soft and squishy as your favorite teddy bear. Practice “lugging” it around to make it appear heavier than it is, and then enjoy the look of terror in your friends’ eyes as you suddenly launch it at them. Some will laugh as it harmlessly bounces off their chest. Others will carry the grudge forever, but they were never really your friends to begin with.

www.hotpiratebabes.com

Now entering its fifth year, the Hot Pirate Babes Calendar has become a mainstay within the pirate community. Indeed, there’s a special place on my office wall that just wouldn’t be the same if it didn’t have a fetching pirate lass – be she angry or inviting – staring at me throughout her 30(ish) day reign. 2011 is nearly upon us, so now’s the time to lock in your year of pirate hotness. If you want it to be a year of surprises, then read no further as I will now engage in my annual ritual of evaluating these lasses’ varying degrees of pirateyness, combativeness, and – indeed – hotness.

January begins the year with a strong baseline. “Coastal Beauty” isn’t so much a remarkable or terribly creative photo as it is classic. The model boasts an “almost” functional pirate outfit (hardly historically accurate, but she might not catch her death at least) with weapons at the ready. Her steady face looks like she’s preparing to aim her flintlock – but what’s this? It’s not you she’s studying, but something over your left shoulder. Perhaps a villainous seagull, or god-forbid an airship pirate. Whatever is descending upon you, she’s about to make mincemeat, rest assured. February’s “Check Matie” takes a different approach, with its Sigourney Weaver lookalike model adopting a snarky expression just this side of mocking. Her attire falls somewhere between a strumpet and a circus performer (a sideshow doxie?), complete with the infamous crotch-cravat introduced in previous calendars. The slight awkwardness of February is followed by a different awkwardness in March. “Curvy Dunes” features a hot enough model, no doubt, but I’m afraid her Napoleon-esque uniform is wearing her – she just lacks the domineering presence of a four-foot tall French dictator. Not commonly a feature I look for in my pirate babes, but in this case it might have served her well. And there’s another of those damned cravats ;P

April’s “Dashin’ Doxie” returns us to the world of solidly lovely gals in outfits that might – might - not fly off in a light breeze (consider that a good thing or a bad thing according to your preferences.) But what makes this month stand out is that it’s more of an action shot than most. While many of the Hot Pirate Babes are clearly posing for the camera, Doxie is a snapshot of a pirate lass who’s just finished shooting one of your shipmates (and just might have one more bullet for you – hopefully you haven’t jilted her recently.) May’s “Bella Señora” bears all the qualities of Spanish seductress, save for the flintlock at her hip and the knife raised above her head. She’s a pleasant enough sight, although I don’t believe for a moment that she’s actually set on cutting me with her blade, which makes me to wonder why she doesn’t just put the damned thing away and hand me my drink already.

Throughout 2011, I’m afraid June will be one of the two weakest months. “Washed Ashore” is far too posed for my liking, and while her skin, hair, and clothing are drenched within an inch of their lives, her hat (a glorious hat, I’ll grant) seems bone dry. Between her appearance as flotsom, a shackled arm and defensive posture, this is clearly a picture meant to tell a story, if only it were a bit more cohesive. July picks up the slack though, as “Too Much Rum” (is there such a thing?) speaks clearly and concisely – this lady knows she’s a superstar, has plenty of rum, very few clothes, and she’s ready to have a good time. Correction: she’s already having one, and you’re free to join her or not – but she’s having a good time either way.

August, to my mind, will be the highlight of the 2011 Hot Pirate Babes year. “Fiddler Lass” seems to have it all – pirate music played just for you by a lass with the goods of a bombshell, but a face that maintains its own personality. That her chest is straining her corset to the limits of human comprehension doesn’t hurt either. September’s “Lookout” also features one of the year’s prettier gals, although in this case her calculating eyes make me feel she’s judging me (and I’m not sure I’m faring well in her estimation.) Her outfit appears another of the “almost feasible” sorts, although in this case it, and the lighting, are too dark to make out as much as I’d like.

October’s “Don’t Mess with Me” is far easier to see, featuring a lovely, curly haired piratess that reminds me very much of Madeline Kahn’s “Betty” in the pirate movie Yellowbeard. Cute enough, but I fear she seems to be planning the viewer’s rapid demise, so moving on to November, which is unfortunately the second of 2011′s weakest. This is primarily due to what I believe might be Tiger Lee’s white whale (I’m referring to a concept, and NOT November’s shapely model.) In short, “Fortress Guard” is an example of how Tiger has not yet captured the perfect uniformed hot pirate babe. From my viewpoint, what makes a hot pirate babe work is when there’s a certain level of feasibility, with ladies dressed in a manner that just maybe could be found in a shipboard, tavern, or brothel situation (however unlikely.) But women in uniform jackets, no pants, and bearing muskets in a “who goes there?” fashion – here is where my mind finds a disconnect. Why isn’t she wearing pants? And when did the British Army start to issue crotch cravats to their fortress guards? Perhaps I’m just too literal minded for my own good. But then, I’m not the one who forgot to wear pants to work.

The year then concludes much as it began – with a basic Hot Pirate Babe of the tried&true fashion. December’s “Camp Wench” hails from the blonde bombshell school of hotness, complete with the requisite revealing pirate attire and “come hither” eyes lined heavily in black. She’s a little posey, standing there with weapons that I’m not sure she has any idea how to use, but we’ll forgive her because, you know… hot.

You can order your Hot Pirate Babes Calendar from www.hotpiratebabes.com. If you don’t buy it now, you’ll forget, procrastinate until June, and then you’ll have missed half a year of pirate hotness. So do yourself a favor and place that order now.

I’ve stated before that a pirate needs a hat, and this is true. But a pirate also needs a flag. After all, if a pirate doesn’t have a flag, then what will they hoist before attacking Spaniards? Well, without a pirate flag they’ll either hoist their nation’s ensign (which makes them a privateer, and a poser), or they hoist whatever happens to be onhand at the time, which can lead to all sorts of embarrasing situations.

So yeah, a pirate needs a flag. And while many pirates opt to buy the first cheapo jolly roger they can get their hands on, TRUE pirates will design their own (or force a talented hostage to design it for them.) But then the question begs; how to apply the glorious design to an actual flag? Worry not, that’s what experts such as Dirk and Arrow are for – they’ll make your flag, thus freeing you to practice your shooting, your stabbing, your wenching, and all the rest of it.

When my Dirk and Arrow flag arrived, the first thing I noticed was its weight – this is some relatively heavy-duty canvas – not exactly tent material, but heftier than the sissy nylon you might be accostomed to. While remaining lightweight enough to flap in the breeze (and therefore strike fear into the hearts of your victims), it’s still a sturdy, robust flag that should last you more than a few voyages. Adding to this quality are the brass grommets, carefully affixed to additional patches of material to prevent ripping, should you be foolish enough to navigate your way into a gale.

Dirk and Arrow states that their flags are hand-dyed, and this is apparent from the pleasantly inconsistent coloring of the background – just enough to look handmade and historicalish. As to the emblem itself – it’s painted in precise detail, perfectly capturing the image I’d provided. For my review flag, Dirk and Arrow took the additional step of demonstrating two different styles, with one side being a traditional black and white rendering, and the other in full glorious Bilgemunky color. Both are fantastic in their own ways, although I’d naturally advise readers to select color OR b&w, rather than one side of each (although this does give it remarkable versatility as a banner, I’m thinking!)

I’m very happy with my Dirk and Arrow flag – it’s beautiful, durable, and suitable for land or sea invasions. Whether you want a single or multi-color flag (or a mix of both – see their website for some great examples of flags that utilize just a “splash” of color), they can surely provide a standard of which you’ll be proud to hoist.

www.sideshowtoy.com

By all accounts, Blackbeard was a beast among men – towering over his contemporaries, and piratey to the core. Well, this new collectable figure from Sideshow Collectibles is no different. Standing at a whopping 19 inches, and with a scowl that could melt granite, this rendering of Blackbeard is truly the meanest, pirateyest thing to come across my desk in some time. Striking a “Captain Morgan” pose atop a demolished cannon (which he probably head-butted), Blackbeard stands poised for a moment to catch his breath between slaughterins. His blade is drenched in naval blood, while his enormous flintlock (actually, a doglock I believe) stands ready to bring a quick end to the next bloke that looks at him funny. All together, this statuette captures a moment of Blackbeard’s life that not only sums up his own legend, but pretty much defines the legend of Caribbean piracy in its entirity.

It’s not just that this figure is huge – and heavy, for that matter. No, what makes this a marvel is the extraordinary attention to detail – velvet coat, fabric vest, LEATHER ammo pouch – yes, actual leather. And the fine details – words can barely do them justic – so I won’t try. Instead, let’s do a little comparison. Below are two pictures – the first is one of Blackbeard’s six Queen Anne pistols included with this figure, which he famously wore around his neck in combat. And just beneath is one of my own actual Queen Anne pistols – full sized and fully functional.

As you can see, the craftsmanship here is absolutely superb. From head to toe, Blackbeard is an intimidating, piratey sight, and one that will command attention in your parlor, bar, livingroom, or where ever else you should choose to display him.

I’m still putting 2008 on my checks, and here comes the 2010 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar. How the time flies.

I’ve reviewed the previous three incarnations of this calendar, so feel free to read those reviews if you *really* need an explanation of just what a “hot pirate babes” calendar contains. The rest of us, however, shall jump into the nuts and bolts of the matter and consider just what 2010 appears to have in store.

As with other years, the 2010 calendar features a range of pirate babes, some of whom hit the “hot” mark with more grace than others. Five months, in fact, offer babes of reasonably passable hotness. February brings us a gypsy gal for those who prefer their girls to exercise a little modesty (in the face, if not exactly elsewhere), while April offers a “cossack adventurer” babe who sports a fine, original outfit to accompany a somewhat sour facial expression. This hot-if-cranky babe also boasts the remarkable skill of wearing stiletto heels on a sandy beach without falling over backwards – a feat shared by many of her 2010 cohorts. July, August, and September also feature very decent hot pirate babes, although Miss September needs to learn that a cravat is *not* a suitable below-the-waist undergarment (imagine a modern hot babe wearing a necktie for a pantie – not a great move.) August, however, features a gal straight from the hot pirate blond bombshell school of preference, while July offers something for those who prefer a lady that can actually look tough-yet-sexy – not the easiest balance, surely.

2010 does have three ladies who sadly miss the mark – not necessarily through an inherent lack of hotness, but due to strange posing or apparent discomfort in front of the camera. Miss May clenches a dagger between her teeth and bends towards the viewer for no apparent motivation save showing off her respectable cleavage, while Miss October just seems entirely lost and lopsided (seriously, the lighting makes one boob appear four times larger than the other.) Plus, being as the fashion is half the fun of this calendar, it’s a shame that her sparse clothing is lost in shadow and pretty much unrecognizable. Our final not-so-hot babe is Miss December, who is decked up and posing as a British Guard. Not only does she repeat Miss Septembers cravat offense, but her utter lack of clothing combined with soldier’s pose makes me feel less inclined to woo her and more to just feel bad for the poor girl who forgot to get fully dressed before going to work. Seriously, get the poor girl some pants.

Having addressed the decent and the regrettable, let’s now focus on those who go above and beyond. 2010 boasts four such beauties, beginning promptly with Miss January. While her top is a bit posed in that it clearly is meant to leave her left boob exposed (only to be safely covered by her baldric), she nonetheless sports a fun hat, sexy demeanor with blowing hair, and a lit grenado – so who’s to argue with that? Miss March is just cute as a button, not only for her fun clothes and bubblydisposition, but she’s also clearly trying to look sexy without falling over – it’s endearing, in its way, and any bloke should count himself lucky to find a pirate babe so eager to please even while off her balance.

Miss June brings a touch of the exotic manifest in the form of a tribal warrior woman. She looks mighty fierce, but the native gods clearly spared no expense in crafting her pleasing form – I just fear she’d kill me seven times over before I could overcome the language barrier. Our last stellar babes of the year are the pair of Miss Septembers. Clearly inspired by the dockside harlots from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, they are plenty easy on the eyes, and their come-hither looks are a refreshing break from the many hot pirate babes who clearly mean us harm (although the redhead seems strangely reminiscent of the 1950′s – I don’t know, maybe it’s the hair.)

Speaking of facial expressions, let’s check out the famous Hot Pirate Babes Facial Expression Tally:

As you can see, it’s a good year for those who enjoy aggressive women. However, I’m happy to note that most of the “Let’s Fight” girls manage to achieve their fierce expressions without resorting to the open-mouth scowls of earlier years – they manage to strike a much better “angry yet sexy” balance. “Let’s Party” has fallen right off the charts this year, and while some might argue that Miss March’s hoisting of a bottle of rum indicates a festive mood, my finely-honed skills tell me that the rum is only the means to an end in her mind, and that she has much more “devious” intentions. “Let’s Flirt” took an extreme drop from six in 2009 to only 2 in 2010, but the “Let’s …” jumped from zero to three. So all told, 2010 is definitely the year for aggressive women, be they warlike or, er, lusty. In short, watch yer backs, lads, it’s gonna be an exciting ride.

In the golden age of piracy, sailors would tell the time by the sun (or by divining the entrails of a spaniard.) These days we’re lucky – we have wristwatches and iPhones. But neither of these options seem very piratey, do they?

WRONG!!! See how I set that up? Now you can tell time or make phonecalls in the most piratey fashion possible thanks to BudgetGadgets.com, who now offer two solutions to let you sport technology without betraying the pirate code (I believe that somewhere in the code it does indeed forbid the public usage of all non-piratey technology.) We’ll begin with the iPhone case, which is made up of two pieces of plastic that readily snap together to cover your phone from top to bottom in skulls and crossbones. Appropriate openings provide ready access to the screen and other ports, so once installed you should never ever ever have to remove this case and leave your iPhone to wallow in non-piratey shame again. Being as I don’t have an iPhone, I had considered demonstrating this case’s cross-platform functionality by lashing it to my clamshell motorola with twine, but that would just be silly.

But even those of us not fortunate enough to own iPhones have wrists (well, most of us, anyways), which makes us prime candidates for the BudgetGadgets.com pirate wristwatch (actually titled the Newfashioned Leather Strap Wristwatch V2). With a real leather wristband, large face, and stainless steel, water resistant body, this watch is emblazoned with a large silver jolly roger that tells the world you’re a pirate through and through. The second-hand motion projects a healthy “tick… tick… tick…” sound that broadcasts the steady approach of doom – whether the doom is to be your own or the lubber standing alongside is for you to decide.

A couple of great – and surprisingly inexpensive – pieces of technology to help you maintain you keep “your pirate on” during those times that wearing a tricorn hat and drunkenly swinging a cutlass around your head is deemed social awkward.

BONUS! For reading this review all the way through, Bilgemunky.com readers can get a 5% discount on ALL purchases made at BudgetGadgets.com. Just enter coupon code GM5OFF8

In my years of reviewing pirate products, I’ve seen a lot of repetition in product – multiple manufacturers of pirate hats, multiple varieties of pirate games, all sorts of varied pirate music, etc. This isn’t remotely a bad thing, as variety and options are indeed the spice of piratey life. But it is a rare thing to come across something truly new, as is the case with The Pirate Tarot.

For those unfamiliar, tarot cards are intended as a way of divining the future. Cards are shuffled, a question is asked, and the cards are layed out in patterns to represent past, present, future, and any number of other factors. Tarot deck designs are most usually mystical in nature – elves, wizards, etc, but can be made in any number of themes, including – at last – pirates. This particular deck is available in two formats – the affordable cardstock with printings of wood etchings, or the more expensive yet entirely awesome wooden deck in which the images are indeed laser etched into the woodface. The backs of the cards feature mirror imaged jolly rogers, while the fronts contain their pirate imagery representing the cards’ meaning, along with some helpful words to aid those of us who never bothered to study up on the meaning of all 78 cards in the standard tarot.

Rather than talk in generalities about this tarot deck, I figured it would be more fun for us all to see it in action. As such, I recorded the experiences of my first two readings – the first being a fairly basic spread, and the second more complex. Both were conducted per instructions found in the box that contained the deck. So prepare, dear readers, for a glimpse into the future…

By way of breaking in my new cards (and my fledgling fortune telling skills) let’s start with a basic Three Card Spread in which one card represents the past, one the present, and the final (can you guess?) the future. Generally there should be one person doing the reading, and another asking the question, but since I don’t have many sober friends I’ll be my own reader. And so my question:

Will Bilgemunky Radio be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone within 5 years?

I shuffle the cards. This in itself is no easy task as the cards are not only very big, but very stiff (if you just giggled, then go sit in the corner.) Combined with the fact that a tarot deck has significantly more cards than a regular poker deck, this makes shuffling very tricky indeed. I took my time and tried my best to get them nicely mixed. I concluded with a quick cut of the deck and the laying out of three cards…

“Past” - The 9 of Cups, which represents contentment, satisfaction and cheer. I am indeed satisfied with the past of Bilgemunky Radio, partly in that it’s been fun (hence the cheer), and partly in that it’s over (hence fewer technical glitches.) In this respect I suppose I’m content with the current stability of Bilgemunky Radio, although I don’t see what that has to do with Rolling Stone. I really wish these cards would stay more to question at hand.

“Present” - The 6 of Coins, representing charity, patronage, and responsibility. I do indeed view myself as the patron of pirate music lovers everywhere, and you are all my children. Like good children, I expect you to take care of me when I grow old and feeble.

“Future” - Not a tarot card, but an ad for two pirate books that was printed on cardstock and included in the package. I probably should have removed this prior to shuffling. Or perhaps this is the metaphysical version of the popup ad.

Alas, this first reading was something of a bust. Perhaps it’s my fault for not knowing what I’m doing, but I’d rather just blame global warming and move on to the next reading. This time I’ll tackle the more complex (and hopefully more informative) Celtic Cross, which features a full ten cards addressing a range of issues related to the question asked. And so a new question:

Will the popularity of Bilgemunky.com grow to such a degree that one day rogue boaters will follow me into the Caribbean so we might all conquer a moderately sized group of islands and create a new world order in the form of a pirate utopia in which all must drink rum, bathe in gunpowder, and bask in the teachings of Bilgemunky?

Again I shuffle, cut, and layout out the cards. The first card in this spread is “Covering,” which is filled by the 3 of Coins. Representing important issues and influences related to the question at hand, I take heart that the 3 of Coins indicates a mastery of skills, renown, and profit. This bodes very well for the future of a Bilgemunkytopia, as the endeavour should prove both glorious and profitable. However, “The Crossing” card which follows represents obstacles, and being the Ace of Cups (contentment, joy, fertility), it indicates that our greatest obstacle will be our own lack of drive. If we are willing to settle for a life of lying on the couch watching reality TV and eating nachos all day long, we will never master the skills necessary to conquer our own island nation.

“The Crown” card represents the best outcome we can hope to achieve. As the First Mate of Cups, it would indicate escapism, romance, and dreams. Perhaps this means that Bilgemunkytopia will never be a physical reality, but rather exist only in the hearts and minds of millions of starry-eyed pirate wannabees – or perhaps it means we will all indeed escape the drudgery of the ordinary world and found a society of swashbuckling romance and dreamy wenches.

“The Root” card speaks of the past and how it will influence the outcome. The 8 of Swords, featuring a tied up wench surrounded by blades, represents confinement, helplessness, and fear. Much like the teachings of Yoda, we must clearly overcome the fears that have held us back from achieving our goals. Also of note, the wench on this card is quite hot, and I’ll bet dollars to donuts she’s one of the many dreamy wenches awaiting us at Bilgemunkytopia.

We next view “The Past”, which seems a little redundant after “The Root,” except that it deals with the very recent past and how it came to bring about the question at hand. This card turns out to be The Sun (featuring a very happy cat with a very big fish). Representing contentment, clarity, and confidence, it obviously means that my decision to inquire the fates about the future of Bilgemunkytopia reflects the greatest clarity of mind, and is by no means a foolish notion. Following “The Past,” naturally, is “The Future,” which indicates what new influences might play a part. A 2 of Pistols, it represents satsfaction, chagrin, and restlessness. I’m unclear how satisfaction and chagrin share a card, and restlessness too seems out of left field. This card confuses me more than anything, so I’ll just assume I’m about to win the lotto.

The cross section of the Celtic Cross reading is now completed, but we still have a line of four cards that should clear up any remaining questions. “Factors” speaks of internal influences. A Captain of Swords, I’m now assured that I will indeed possess the willpower, judgement, and authority to lead the founding of a pirate utopia. “External Influences” are foretold by a Captain of Coins representing protection, business acumen, and grounding – it indeed seems clear that Bilgemunkytopia will be built on a strong foundation of commerce and strength. The “Hopes and Fears” card is meant to reveal what I personally expect the outcome to be, so it comes as no surprise that the 6 of Pistols represents triumph, accolades, and recognition. And all this leads to the “Final Outcome” card, whose title surely speaks for itself. I’m surprised to find it’s a Cabinboy of Coins, meaning that Bilgemunkytopia won’t merely be an awesome haven for piratey partying, but also home of piratey scholarship and study. Much akin to drunken vulcans, we’ll surely lay the groundwork for fun and wisdom alike.

And thus conclude my readings. Whether or not Bilgemunky Radio will soon be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone remains murky and clouded in shadow, but all signs bode well for the future of Bilgemunkytopia, pirate haven and home of the wise scalliwags. If you would like to peek into your own piratey future, I’d heartily recommend the Pirate Tarot. And if you can afford it, I’d even more heartily recommend trying the wooden version, although it’s likely even tougher to shuffle than is the cardstock version.

It’s a well-accepted fact that root beer is the most piratey of all non-alcoholic beverages. If this is news to you, then you really need to play The Secret of Monkey Island to further your piratey education. If you’ve already played Monkey Island but still dispute root beer’s soft-drink dominance over all piratedom, then you’re not as smart as I’d hoped (and likely not as good looking, either.)

RootJack is a new pirate energy drink from Voodoo Elixirs. Essentially orange flavored root beer with extra caffeine and guarana, RootJack makes no claims at fighting ghosts (again, see Monkey Island) – it does, however, fight scurvy thanks to a full day’s supply of vitamin C. So long, puffy gums, so long bleeding sores – RootJack makes it all better, and tastes pretty good alongside.

Actually, I’m surprised that it took someone this long to release a pirate energy drink, but I’m glad that RootJack is the brand that rose to the occasion. Served in bottles – as all proper root beer should, the label bears a pirate lass sitting astride a cannon in a common Freudian pose. As to the root beer itself, it’s indeed very good – tasty and smooth, although the addition of orange does require a little getting used to – myself having rarely mixed rootbeer with anything except vanilla ice cream. Speaking of which, the RootJack website offers a whole variety of mixing suggestions to help add even more spice (and in most cases, alcohol) to your RootJack experience. Based on the ingredients available in an old box in my basement, I gave a try at the Banana Hammock Rootjack Hammock, which was RootJack mixed with banana liqueur and coconut rum. The result was a fine summer drink, although entirely deceptive (so be careful drinking if you’ve got a ship to steer home afterwards.)

RootJack’s only shortcoming for me is a very slight undertone that seemed slightly chemically, but not quite. At first I thought it might be one of those lab-based sweeteners, but from the ingredients I don’t think that the case. As someone who doesn’t drink many energy drinks (and those I do being so tart as to conceal any and all undertones), my best guess is that the guarana seed extract is the culprit in this unfamiliar mystery taste.

This little extra aside, RootJack is definitely a fine beverage, and I look forward to trying many of their other recommended recipes – which leads us to the larger dilemma of where to purchase the stuff. This far, RootJack is available at select locations in Indiana and Illinois (how do ya like that – for once the Midwest gets something first!) Hopefully distribution will spread quickly, as many a pirate will be wanting to get their grubby paws on this stuff.

Is this the weirdest item I’ve ever reviewed? Maybe. Wait, there was that one rum that tasted of breakfast sausage…

No, this is weirder.

It’s a pirate head. Well, most of a pirate head. Jawline up. And he appears to be sleeping. No larger than a baseball, his firey red hear spews in all directions. There’s even a braid or two amongst the locks. Reminiscent of a troll doll, he gently slumbers, one eye patched and the other closed. The detailing in his face is exquisite, the same with his bandana and the beads that hang thereof. But what’s this? The top of his head lifts neatly off to reveal…  well, that depends on what you put inside the last time you opened it. Because, in truth, this isn’t a decapitated sleeping pirate, but rather a jewelry box. Or perhaps a curiosity box would be a more apt term. By the way, did I mention that when you open it, his realistic glass eyes are revealed? Well, they are. And they’re creepy.

This item I so dodgingly describe is a Pirate Eyebox from Surpreyes. Each is handcrafted of clay, handpainted, and then completed with hair plundered from a Tibetan lamb (harrr!!!) And if you’ve been asking, “what can I possibly get for the pirate who has everything?” I can pretty much guarantee they don’t have anything quite like this. Seriously, they’re pretty damned cool (and I’m fairly certain it watches me while I sleep.)