This is an actual photograph of this book as it appeared to me while reading it.

I tried. Really, I tried. But I use a reading light, you see. It’s because my wife doesn’t like to sleep with the lights on, and I can’t read in the dark. So the reading light is our solution. But as with all things, batteries don’t last forever, and so mine died before I was even a full page into Hook&Jill by Andrea Jones. No worries, I have spare AAs… somewhere. I dug and dug, and found four. My light needs four because it’s old and inefficient. I changed the batteries and again set myself to reading, but then the bulb went out. Again, I have spares. I changed the bulb in the dark. It’s tricky business getting those two teensy weensy prongs to fit in place without being able to see. But as with all things, I was victorious in the end. I read another paragraph…

and then the bulb again died. I again replaced it. That one burned out too.

Come morning, I learned that two of my AA batteries only *felt* like ordinary AA’s. Had I been able to see them, I would have known they were special voltage AA’s intended for my cordless mouse. I guess that’s why the bulbs kept overloading and burning out. But burn out they did, and so here is my review of Hook&Jill, as best I can do without having been able to see the words: [read more »]

Rating:
Genre: Pirate folk rock
Rating: PG-13
Target Audience: Pirates. If you don’t love this album, you’re a poser.

A review of The Pirates Charles’ new album Rise almost seems redundant. I mean, it’s The Pirates Charles for crike’s sake! And, as always, this album is full of “almost traditional” music akin to what pirates would have listened to if only they’d thought of it. If you’ve heard their earlier albums, then you know what I mean. And if you’ve ever seen them live, then you know it even moreso. [read more »]

Rating:
There’s always something special about young adult pirate books. They seem less bogged down than adult books at times, and often revel in a fascination with pirate mythology that’s both nostalgic and timeless. The Pirate Vortex by Deborah Cannon, however, is a strangely different beast altogether. Hardly timeless, it’s rather decidedly contemporary as it follows the adventures Elizabeth, Lulu, Wang, and CJ (a rather foul-mouthed parrot) as they search for Liz and Lu’s mother, being a pirate archaeologist who suddenly disappeared.

While the heroes of the story are quite modern, the journey largely is not. Yes, time travel is involved, and never before in a pirate adventure have I seen the modern in such stark contrast with the historical. The narrative of this story, much like its heroes, is a clear product of modern materialism and technology. Scuba gear, iPhones, Swatch Watches, text messaging… [read more »]

Rating:
www.rumchata.com

Never, in all my years of reviewing rum, have I ever described a product as “thicker than milk, but thinner than a shake.” But then, I’ve never reviewed a rum cream before. Truth be told, there’s not that many of them on the market – only two or three to my knowledge. And of those I’d tried, they were good and all, but they were pretty much akin to Bailey’s Irish Cream, but made with rum.

Not so with RumChata – this is as different from Bailey’s as rum is from vodka. Yes it’s white, and yes it’s creamy. But RumChata boasts an assortment of smells and flavors that I’ve never before encountered in a rum (or booze-cream) product. The key here is the “chata,” being derived from Horchata. Horchata, for those that don’t know (I didn’t know) is a Mexican/Central American treat made from rice, and this connection is immediately apparent when you poor yourself a glass of RumChata. The smell of rice – think rice pudding, not that stuff you mix with Chinese takeout – is by far the most prominent flavor, both to the nose and the tongue alike. But there is more – rum, vanilla, and cinnamon are also apparent, as is a hint of coconut (which actually isn’t present at all, but it’s just a trick of the rice.) [read more »]

Rating:

www.marooned-lv.com
Genre: Contemporary Pirate Folk
Rating: PG
Target Audience: Fans of folk and faire style pirate tunes. Sad, sad ones.

The thing about the band Marooned is that you should never listen to them while drinking rum. It’s not that they aren’t piratey – it’s just that alcohol can promote depression, and so can Marooned. Slow and somber, mostly a capella songs of death and despair, it’s best to stay sober lest you start blubbering into your mug. But even if you prefer your rum cut with the salty bitterness of your own tears, at least take a moment to hide the rope and razorblades. [read more »]

Rating:
www.krakenrum.com

By and large I don’t give spiced rum much consideration these days. Sure, rum&cokes are fine things now and then, and the rare exception of Kilo Kai managed to tap into spiced rum’s more impressive potential, but mostly I prefer my rum untarnished (‘neat’, as landlubbers call it.) I do owe Captain Morgan’s Private Stock a debt of gratitude, as it ushered my early days of rum consumption, being rather more approachable than others available to me. But over time I found myself outgrowing Private Stock as its cheap alcohol undertones became more noticeable beneath a seeming increasingly thin veil of spiciness.

So yeah, the world of spiced rum largely remained outside of my field of vision – but then along came the Kraken (‘Along Came the Kraken,’ incidentally, sounds like the title of a smashing children’s book or romantic comedy, but I digress.) First off, you can’t mention Kraken Rum without mentioning their ad compaign – one minute spent at their website will tell you that this is a rum company that not only has great pride in their product, but a smashing sense of humor to boot. Whatever Kraken pays their ad guys, it’s not enough. But fun videos and goofy humor aside, ultimately the proof is always in the pudding, and I’ve been hurt before. So let’s examine the rum on its own terms…

[read more »]

Brace yerselves, mates, for it’s the end of an era. For decades the spiced rum market has been dominated by one name – Captain Morgan (The REAL Morgan, by the way, was a poser pirate and a traitor to the cause. Plus he couldn’t sail for damn, so it’s fitting that sooner or later his namesake rum would be sunk.) Well, no longer – Kraken Rum is on the scene, and they stand ready to do some serious damage to their competitor’s market share. Why? Simple – Kraken Rum is the BEST RUM EVER.

Of course, I haven’t actually tried it yet. But check out the promotional package they sent me:

One bottle of Kraken Spiced Rum, one CD full of the Kraken’s tales, a hardbound book of stories, history, and recipes, genuine (likely fake) kraken ink and tooth, a wall chart showing the kraken’s enormous scale – even a personal letter addressed to their “Esteemed Colleague.” That’s right – *I’m* an esteemed colleague of Kraken Rum! I bet next Christmas they’ll even invite me over for dinner. And did I mention it was all in a custom Kraken box, sealed in wax? I mean, seriously, when’s the last time Captain Morgan, or any of those other wannabe spiced rums (I’m looking at you Sailor Jerry and Kilo Kai) ever sent me something this nice? The answer: NEVER.

Soon I’ll actually taste the rum. And then write a review. Until then, I remain confident in my statement that Kraken Rum is the best rum I ain’t never tasted. Oh, and don’t forget to check out their website.

Rating:
www.apiratesquest.com

Pirates… we need more of them. And where do we get more pirates? From little pirates, of course. This is why it’s so important that that wee ones are inundated with pirates during their upbringing. Sure, they should be made to read Treasure Island, and forced to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean flicks again and again and again – but it’s also vital that the necessary pirate exposure occurs in unexpected and surprising ways. Such as in a children’s video about the importance of moving water in our world – yeah, stuff like that. [read more »]

Rating:
Mount Gay used to be cool, but now it’s one of *them*.

I’m giving this rum zero stars. Is it really a zero star rum? No – probably a three and a half would be more fitting. Maybe even four. But I’m a longtime fan of Mount Gay Extra Old – a $30 rum that easily achieves 4.5 stars. And so when I try Mount Gay’s new, $100 bottle, I have high expectations. And sadly, these expectations came crashing down. Not because it’s bad, but because its sophistication has reached such a level that it no longer feels like a “rum” experience. Mount Gay 1703 has forgotten rum’s roguish past, and this is why I give it no stars whatsoever. [read more »]

Rating:
www.skullbrandedpirates.com
Genre: Pirate Metal
Rating: PG
Target Audience: Metal-Heads and fan of Pirate-Core

There’s just something about pirate metal. While musically they couldn’t be further removed from actual historical pirates, there’s something in their dress/manner/attitude that makes you believe they “get it.” Blackbeard might have drunkenly sang the songs of the folk singer, but I’d bet gold dust that he’d rather party with the metal-heads. [read more »]