Dear Mr. Depp,

First, we’d like to congratulate you on a lifetime of exceptional cinematic achievements. Second, we’d like to humbly request you please COOL YOUR JETS ALREADY!!!

Look, you did the whole 21 Jump Street thing with the cool 80′s hair, and women swooned. You did the Edward Scissorhands thing, and our girlfriends and wives asked us, “why can’t you cut MY hair like that?” Then you came along with Captain Jack Sparrow, and we had to learn to wear eyeliner and sway like drunken swabs in a vain effort to keep up.

And now, now you’ve gone a bought a FREAKIN’ TROPICAL ISLAND!?!? With six white sand beaches, palm trees, and a lagoon??? For the love of Pete, what the hell are the rest of us supposed to do to impress chicks? It’s like you’re flying to the moon and back, and we’re supposed to somehow keep up with pogo sticks. Oh, the humanity!

If you have any compassion at all, any concern for your fellow man, then you’ll stop raising this bar ever higher. Just STOP already. And while you’re at it, if you could find a way to look a little less attractive (develop a hunchback or something) that would also be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Every Guy on Earth that isn’t Johnny Depp

editor’s note: Although I wrote this spiteful letter on behalf of all mankind, I’d like to point out that I don’t believe a word of it. Johnny – I grovel before thee and hope to be invited to visit your island very soon. -Bilgemunky