San Antonio – Current Ground Zero for PvN

Review: ‘Pirates Versus Ninjas: The Musical’

It has song, it has dance, it has pirates, and it has a Ninja King. I find it cute that Ninjas would bother having royalty amongst themselves. I mean, so what if you’re king of the pajama-wearing shadow puppets? You’re still a pajama-wearing shadow puppet, just like all the other pajama-wearing shadow puppets.

Comments (11)

  1. Red Beard

    I guess ninjas won’t be doing the singing since they’re supposed to be silent and all…

  2. The Quartermaster

    Well to be fair… they were born from a Shogunist system of government. Would only make sense to have a “king”.

    As much as I love pirates and partying….. a ninja can completely kick a pirates ass. I’m just saying. That’s what they do. Pirates are inferior (like dogs) because they need numbers to actually amount to anything.

  3. Bilge (Post author)

    Wow, Q – I think you’re well on your way to getting yourself banned for life.

    Ninjas are like ants. Or robots – all the same, and controlled by nothing more than hardwired algorithms from which they cannot stray. Defeating them is easy as they have many exploitable weaknesses:

    1) If a ninja makes a noise, he or she must instantly commit sepuku. Line the decks with bubble wrap.

    2) Ninjas cannot resist sushi. Throw a dead fish at their feet and then lop off their head while they’re busy consuming it.

    3) Ninjas lead an exceedingly sheltered existence. If you have cleavage to reveal, do so – the ninja will be struck with many unfamiliar emotions and then explode.

    4) Ninjas can’t resist transcendential riddles – sound of one hand clapping and all that lark. Simply ask the ninja some high-minded sounding gibberish with no answer (“If you kill me at sea, how can I be late for my own funeral in the spring?” or something). The ninja will cease killing you and begin to ponder. This is when they are weakest.

    5) If all else fails, remember that a ninja can only see you while you’re in motion. Stand very very still until they give up and go away.

  4. RedTom Read

    Pirates have guns. Enough said.

  5. The Quartermaster

    lol Bilge good stuff. Here is response with counters.

    1. If you toss rum, gold, jewelry or tobacco over the side of a ship, the pirate will jump over board to try and catch it. Subsequently drowning themselves, or marooning to a small island if they are lucky.

    2. If you blind a ninja, they shall rely on other senses where a pirate has no such discipline.

    3. A pirate only has one shot per gun. Blind him/her with flash or powder and they will miss and be unable to volley again before death.

    4. Pirates are generally malnourished making a poor fighter. Combine this with various amounts of STDs and health conditions.

    5. Pirates feel they are superior because of guns. Ninjas have rockets. BOOM! It’s called the “oooh shiney!” decoy. Ninja launches pretty rocket. Pirate stares at the sky and says “Oooooooh”. Ninja kills entire crew from behind.

    6. If you are boarded by Ninjas… understand that half their forces are hiding in your “rum” barrels already. You should look at your cargo before leaving dock, you drunk.

    Counters:
    1. Ninjas don’t believe in Seppuku. That’s Samurai, ye git.

    2. Only pirates eat off the ground. hehe

    3. Ninjas are trained to resist earthly distractions. Get in, get out, get payed.

    4. You can’t speak riddles if you don’t know Japanese. They just think you’re pleading for your life and kill you out of disgust.

    5. Ninjas don’t see by motion. That’s a T-Rex, Bilge.

    When you REALLY think about it… Pirates and Ninjas are the SAME! GASP! Allow me to explain and end this fighting.

    Both are thieves.
    Both play by their own rules.
    Both STILL follow orders even if they don’t believe it.
    Both kill for money.
    Both prefer surprise attacks.
    Both are executed for their crimes.

    Pirates do it while drunk.
    Ninjas do it from behind. The ladies love that. šŸ˜›

    I’m such a pirate, I traveled the world and learn these things. I also won’t automatically conform with other pirates which makes me MORE of a pirate then anyone else. Yaaaaaaaaar!

  6. The Quartermaster

    Let us also look at weaponry if we are speaking in a one vs. one non surprise modified fight.

    Pirate:
    Flintlock pistol: One shot only.
    Cutlass (but more then likely a puny knife): Crap.
    Maybe a bottle of rum: Also crap.

    Ninja:
    Katana: a sword made from centuries of blacksmithing knowledge. 8 times the strength of a European blade.
    Poison darts: Ooops, dart in your neck.. you’re dead.
    Ninja Star/Throwing Knife: Death from 20 paces.
    Flash Powder: You cannot kill what you cannot see.
    Stink Bomb: Probably won’t overpower the pirates own personal stank.

  7. Red Beard

    QM, I never pegged you as a ninja lover.

  8. The Quartermaster

    A good warrior always respects his/her enemy.

    The kid in me loves the stealthy agility and mystique. The adult in me loves the booze, fighting and breasts.

    I should also say that the Ninjas PAYED me to defend them. They can’t talk with those face raps and all. I REAL pirate will do just about anything for money.

    So by defending Ninjas… I’m a great Pirate.

  9. Capt. Paisley

    Last night I watched a dorky show called “Deadliest Warrior” (on Spike, I’m ashamed to admit). It was Pirate vs. Knight. Duh! Needless to say, the Pirates whooped the Knights’ chromed fannies 2 to 1, but I’m thinking they missed a golden opportunity to pit Pirate vs. Ninja. Unless, of course, the Ninjas were afraid to take up the challenge…

  10. Red Beard

    I think we should sponsor the Ninja vs. Pirate fight.

  11. The Quartermaster

    Red! We should do that and call it Blister Foot vs. Camel Toe.

    hahah yaaaar

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