Cap’n Billy ‘The Butcher’ MacDougall’s Guide to Pirate Parenting
by Tim Bete
If you’re like me, or not like me for that matter… in fact no matter who you’re like, upon reading the title of “Cap’n Billy ‘The Butcher’ MacDougall’s Guide to Pirate Parenting”, odds are significant that you asked yourself that most basic of questions, “Is this for real?” It’s a question I’ve had to ask before with some books, and the answer has sometimes been surprising. In this particular case, however, it’s a definite “No.”
Guide to Pirate Parenting is not an actual course in how to raise your kids to be scalliwaggs. Nor is it a more generic Bill Cosby “Fatherhood” sort of book in the guise of pirates. What it is, in fact, is humor, plain and true — from its advice on feeding, raising, and caring for your young barnacles, and right up through the section on converting your minivan into a ship. I’m uncertain whether author Tim Bete would be amused or appalled were he to learn that someone was actually putting his techniques into practice, but I’m sure he wouldn’t recommend it.
Now that that’s behind us, let’s consider Pirate Parenting for what it is — a humorous, satirical jont through the world of parenting. Some of it’s odd (Pirate First Aid — “The Heimlich maeuver… is similar to the Flying Dutchman Wedgie except that a live bilge rat is substitued for the tofu.”), some is practical (Developmental Behavior — “Peeing in public is normal pirate behavior and usually doesn’t create a major problem. But, under no circumstances, put your child in the crow’s nest.”) and some of it’s just plain true (Early Development – “Pirates are never fully weaned from bottles — the liquid in the bottle just changes as they get older.”) Complete with pirate-versions of popular nursery rhymes, checklists to gage your child’s progress, and advice ond dealing with pirate teenagers, this book contains little that might actually be useful to parents, but MUCH that might amuse them (especially after a hard day of PTA meetings and changing diapers.)
In parting, I would like to share my own favorite excerpt from “Cap’n Billy’s Top 10 Reasons to Raise Your Children as Pirates”, that being # 8: When other parents hear you’re raising your children as pirates, they’ll stop asking you to volunteer at school.
Truer words were never spoke, mates. And that’s as good a reason to read this book as any 🙂