Review: Pirates of Treasure Island

Rating: ½☆☆☆☆
I really don’t know what to make of this one.

Some bad movies are just that – bad. They should be ignored, dismissed, or burned. They have no value and are a waste of your existence to even consider viewing. Other bad movies are an ironic piece of brilliance, enjoyable on levels that no “good” movie could ever hope to achieve. These movies are meant for a group of rowdy friends sharing rum. But this movie? It lies firmly within one of these categories, and I strongly suspect it’s the former.

Basically “Treasure Island”, but with gratuitous man-eating bugs. I say gratuitous because they’re barely used – this movie would be essentially unchanged if you removed them. But there they are, nonetheless – towering over Long John, and bellowing their maneating howls as they shudder in harmless CGI malevolence.

Also gratuitous is the plentiful PG-13 cleavage. Nothing actually naughty here – just enough to catch your attention, but never enough that you’d fear your mom walking in on you and asking, “so what’s this smut you’re watching?”

So what else need be said? I suppose I could go on about the story, but it’s more fun to hone in on the weird little details, such as Blind Pew’s googly eyes. They’re shown in the first 30 seconds, and I immediately shouted at the TV, “you CAN’T be serious!” Apparently they were.

Of course, movies such as this shouldn’t be held to any real continuity standards, which is good, because it means I don’t have to mention the colonial flags used, which bounce between the revolutionary war “Betsy Ross” flag with its circle of stars, then to a more civil war era square pattern, and then back again. Yes, I’m glad I don’t have to mention that. Nor should I mention Anne Bonney’s sudden reappearance towards the end of the film, after I thought she’d just been killed. A quick rewind showed what I think might have been her recovering from her bullet wound, but I lost interest as I noticed her outfit getting skimpier with each scene (but still safely within the limitations of PG-13 discretion – have no fear.)

Oh, and let’s not forget the rubber skeleton mask.

Weird. Not good, but very, very weird.