In case you require clarification, I love rum. Also, I love a good cocktail. Yet, strangely enough, aside from the occasional Mai Tai my mixed drinks of choice typically hail from the bourbon/whiskey camps – rum is rarely a piece of the equation.

Of course, that was before I learned of Kahuna Kevin’s “Why Is the Rum Gone? A collection of 40 tiki-licious rum cocktails.” That’s right – no less than 40 ORIGINAL rum drinks ranging from the sweet to the savory, and with such pirate-appropriate names as the Addled Wench, Blackbeard’s Depth Charge, Headhunter’s Punch, and yes, even the Scurvy Mouthbanger.

Ok, fancy names aside, how are the drinks? Before I answer that, let me tell you a little about the sort of obnoxiously spoiled drinker I am. When it comes to mixed drinks, I lead a remarkably charmed life – most bartenders I frequent have won international mixology competitions. They often make their own bitters, grow their own herbs, and some even carry degrees in the culinary arts. In short, rum&cokes don’t impress me, and if you top off my Manhattan with one of those crap dayglo-red maraschino cherries you get at Pick’n'Save, you may as well have strained the drink through an old tubesock.

So yeah, THAT’S the standard against which Kahuna Kevin is being measured, which is why I was so astounded at the shear artistry found within these pages. Angostura bitters, orange bitters, nutmeg, maple syrup, allspice, clove, bacon, vanilla… the ingredients list strays far and wide, making for a whole range of wonderfully unique drinks with remarkably complex flavors. But beware, this sort of inspiration does come at a cost – not only will you need dozens of rums (each drink is very specific in identifying which brand will best suit) and hundreds of ingredients if you hope to sample all 40 cocktails, but even individual drinks average 12 or so components. Indeed, the Headless Zombie boasts a whopping 17 ingredients, while the relatively modest Caramel Rebellion still chimes in at six. What I’m saying is, these drinks require some dedication and craftsmanship to bring to fruition, but if you’re up to the task you’re sure to be richly rewarded.

I’ve often been a vocal proponent of drinking rum as God intended – straight up, and perhaps directly from the bottle. But, much like when the devil invented rock music, Kahuna Kevin has shown us that even God might have missed a few gems along the way. For drinks like these, mixing up some top shelf rum isn’t only forgivable, but art.

Buy it Now
Let me set a scene for you. You and your mates are at a glorious pirate festival, bedecked in your swashbuckling finery. And then, as so often happens in these dark times, a gaggle of steampunks approach you and ask something like, “Pardon me, good sirs, indubitably, do you happen to know the location of the afternoon tea party, as it were? Harumph, pip pip?”

What exactly is the best response to this dreadful occurrence? Some might opt for the “stab first” option, but this often leads to trouble as it requires violating the festival’s peace-tie policy. Others might instead launch a small barrage of profanity, but in truth a cursing pirate sometimes comes across more like Yosemite Sam than we care to admit, which could leave you vulnerable to heckling (believe me, nothing is more painful than watching a steampunk do his Yosemite Sam impression at your expense). And so I would offer a third, wholly superior option – club the steampunk commander upside the head with a five gallon rum barrel. Pretty sweet, eh?

But wait, before you go and worry that manslaughter with a barrel is only marginally less troublesome than the aforementioned stabbing option, know this – YOUR rum barrel in this case is actually made from a Nerf-like foam rubber, intricately painted to look real in every sense. You smack the steampunk upside his pompous noggin and he dutiful emits a ladylike yelp. But then, upon realizing he’s unharmed, he has no choice but to play the role of the gentlemanly good sport, laughing nervously and saying, “Pip pip jolly good, excelsior.” The two of you share an awkwardly chummy moment, and the steampunk doesn’t even notice as his mistress/maid/jetpack-wearing-librarian runs off with your first mate, or that your cabinboy is pouring tar into the gears of his lunch box.

THAT’S how you deal with steampunks, and it wouldn’t have been possible without a foam barrel from the Sea Critters Collection by Hallow’s Keep Creations. About the size of a breadbox, these barrels look completely real, and yet are as soft and squishy as your favorite teddy bear. Practice “lugging” it around to make it appear heavier than it is, and then enjoy the look of terror in your friends’ eyes as you suddenly launch it at them. Some will laugh as it harmlessly bounces off their chest. Others will carry the grudge forever, but they were never really your friends to begin with.

I’ve stated before that a pirate needs a hat, and this is true. But a pirate also needs a flag. After all, if a pirate doesn’t have a flag, then what will they hoist before attacking Spaniards? Well, without a pirate flag they’ll either hoist their nation’s ensign (which makes them a privateer, and a poser), or they hoist whatever happens to be onhand at the time, which can lead to all sorts of embarrasing situations.

So yeah, a pirate needs a flag. And while many pirates opt to buy the first cheapo jolly roger they can get their hands on, TRUE pirates will design their own (or force a talented hostage to design it for them.) But then the question begs; how to apply the glorious design to an actual flag? Worry not, that’s what experts such as Dirk and Arrow are for – they’ll make your flag, thus freeing you to practice your shooting, your stabbing, your wenching, and all the rest of it.

When my Dirk and Arrow flag arrived, the first thing I noticed was its weight – this is some relatively heavy-duty canvas – not exactly tent material, but heftier than the sissy nylon you might be accostomed to. While remaining lightweight enough to flap in the breeze (and therefore strike fear into the hearts of your victims), it’s still a sturdy, robust flag that should last you more than a few voyages. Adding to this quality are the brass grommets, carefully affixed to additional patches of material to prevent ripping, should you be foolish enough to navigate your way into a gale.

Dirk and Arrow states that their flags are hand-dyed, and this is apparent from the pleasantly inconsistent coloring of the background – just enough to look handmade and historicalish. As to the emblem itself – it’s painted in precise detail, perfectly capturing the image I’d provided. For my review flag, Dirk and Arrow took the additional step of demonstrating two different styles, with one side being a traditional black and white rendering, and the other in full glorious Bilgemunky color. Both are fantastic in their own ways, although I’d naturally advise readers to select color OR b&w, rather than one side of each (although this does give it remarkable versatility as a banner, I’m thinking!)

I’m very happy with my Dirk and Arrow flag – it’s beautiful, durable, and suitable for land or sea invasions. Whether you want a single or multi-color flag (or a mix of both – see their website for some great examples of flags that utilize just a “splash” of color), they can surely provide a standard of which you’ll be proud to hoist.

Genre: Pirate folk rock
Rating: PG-13
Target Audience: Pirates. If you don’t love this album, you’re a poser.

A review of The Pirates Charles’ new album Rise almost seems redundant. I mean, it’s The Pirates Charles for crike’s sake! And, as always, this album is full of “almost traditional” music akin to what pirates would have listened to if only they’d thought of it. If you’ve heard their earlier albums, then you know what I mean. And if you’ve ever seen them live, then you know it even moreso.

Actually, the live thing bears some exploration. I’ve been a diehard fan of these guys ever since I first heard LIVE Scallywags. Loved it, loved it, loved it. And yet I was still in no way emotionally or intellectually prepared for seeing the jaw dropping energy that is The Pirates Charles live performance. As Spoo Diggity jumps around the stage, Deeddle rocks his mandolin, Tor shreds his fingers across his flute* – it’s just not an experience that can be conveyed with mere words. Which is why Rise does indeed set a new highwater mark for The Pirates Charles’ CD library – with THIS album, for the very first time, modern recording technology has managed to capture that energy that had previously proven so elusive. And that makes this one of the most powerful CDs in piratedom.

Yes, I’m a Pirates Charles fanboy. But lest you think I’m just mindlessly gushing, let me clarify that my gushing comes straight from the heart (much like Bart Roberts after he took a chestful of grapeshot) – this album will make your boots start jigging (except when they’re stomping), while your brain soundlessly screams, “HOLY FLOCK I’M ON FIRE AND I LOVE IT!!!”

The album begins innocently enough with a Notice of the Disclaimant, being a spoken reading of crimes and such while the rowdy crowd drinks in the background. Drain your rum now, because a brief silence follows before the album suddenly and mercilessly breaks into full speed with Mutiny of the H.M.S. Bounty. If you ignored my advice about the rum, whatever remained in your mug is now splattered across the wall (or your dance partner) as you’re now swinging your arms and legs about in reckless abandon. The album continues with other legendary tracks such as Rise of the Buccaneers, Farewell to Nova Scotia, One Mo’ Bottle o’ Rum, Rye Whiskey, and others – the pace may vary, but the insane levels of piratey awesomeness remain consistently stellar.

And that’s the magic of this album. Generally speaking, pirate and sea music can be very fun. It can be melodic, comical, or haunting. It can make you dance a happy jig. But music that captures the pirate spirit like a rabid genie in a bottle is a rare beast indeed. Rise won’t make you dance, rather, it will make your heart swell with pride as your boots stomp holes into the deck. Your head will move to the music while you recklessly swing your mug or your flintlocks in the air (and hopefully avoid cracking your neighbor’s skull.) Outside observers might think what you’re doing is dancing, but you’ll know this is something significantly more primal.

Buy the CD. Just go buy it already.

*if you giggled and your name is Doglock, go sit in the corner

Never, in all my years of reviewing rum, have I ever described a product as “thicker than milk, but thinner than a shake.” But then, I’ve never reviewed a rum cream before. Truth be told, there’s not that many of them on the market – only two or three to my knowledge. And of those I’d tried, they were good and all, but they were pretty much akin to Bailey’s Irish Cream, but made with rum.

Not so with RumChata – this is as different from Bailey’s as rum is from vodka. Yes it’s white, and yes it’s creamy. But RumChata boasts an assortment of smells and flavors that I’ve never before encountered in a rum (or booze-cream) product. The key here is the “chata,” being derived from Horchata. Horchata, for those that don’t know (I didn’t know) is a Mexican/Central American treat made from rice, and this connection is immediately apparent when you poor yourself a glass of RumChata. The smell of rice – think rice pudding, not that stuff you mix with Chinese takeout – is by far the most prominent flavor, both to the nose and the tongue alike. But there is more – rum, vanilla, and cinnamon are also apparent, as is a hint of coconut (which actually isn’t present at all, but it’s just a trick of the rice.)

The limits to RumChata are pretty much boundless. I love it chilled on its own, but it’s also killer in coffee. I hear it can also be used to make a fantastic French Toast, which I heartily believe. And if anyone ever concocted a means of thickening it up to drizzle over rum cake, a single bite just might launch you into orbit. So wear a helmet.

If rum is the devil’s brew, then RumChata is clearly the vice of the angels.

Of course, I haven’t actually tried it yet. But check out the promotional package they sent me:

One bottle of Kraken Spiced Rum, one CD full of the Kraken’s tales, a hardbound book of stories, history, and recipes, genuine (likely fake) kraken ink and tooth, a wall chart showing the kraken’s enormous scale – even a personal letter addressed to their “Esteemed Colleague.” That’s right – *I’m* an esteemed colleague of Kraken Rum! I bet next Christmas they’ll even invite me over for dinner. And did I mention it was all in a custom Kraken box, sealed in wax? I mean, seriously, when’s the last time Captain Morgan, or any of those other wannabe spiced rums (I’m looking at you Sailor Jerry and Kilo Kai) ever sent me something this nice? The answer: NEVER.

Soon I’ll actually taste the rum. And then write a review. Until then, I remain confident in my statement that Kraken Rum is the best rum I ain’t never tasted. Oh, and don’t forget to check out their website.

www.sideshowtoy.com

By all accounts, Blackbeard was a beast among men – towering over his contemporaries, and piratey to the core. Well, this new collectable figure from Sideshow Collectibles is no different. Standing at a whopping 19 inches, and with a scowl that could melt granite, this rendering of Blackbeard is truly the meanest, pirateyest thing to come across my desk in some time. Striking a “Captain Morgan” pose atop a demolished cannon (which he probably head-butted), Blackbeard stands poised for a moment to catch his breath between slaughterins. His blade is drenched in naval blood, while his enormous flintlock (actually, a doglock I believe) stands ready to bring a quick end to the next bloke that looks at him funny. All together, this statuette captures a moment of Blackbeard’s life that not only sums up his own legend, but pretty much defines the legend of Caribbean piracy in its entirity.

It’s not just that this figure is huge – and heavy, for that matter. No, what makes this a marvel is the extraordinary attention to detail – velvet coat, fabric vest, LEATHER ammo pouch – yes, actual leather. And the fine details – words can barely do them justic – so I won’t try. Instead, let’s do a little comparison. Below are two pictures – the first is one of Blackbeard’s six Queen Anne pistols included with this figure, which he famously wore around his neck in combat. And just beneath is one of my own actual Queen Anne pistols – full sized and fully functional.

As you can see, the craftsmanship here is absolutely superb. From head to toe, Blackbeard is an intimidating, piratey sight, and one that will command attention in your parlor, bar, livingroom, or where ever else you should choose to display him.

Not be be too blunt, but Flint and Silver is exceptional work. The characters of Long John Silver and Joseph Flint are fleshed out and expanded upon in incredible, believable detail. Long John is every bit the dubious anti-hero he was in Treasure Island, and more-so. Flint, on the other hand, being only referenced in the original novel, is an original character of a truly compelling nature – clever, heartless, bitter, yet human. To see the friendship between the two develop, flourish, and then crumble is an adventure every bit as worthy as was Treasure Island itself. And to see the development of other “minor” characters develop alongside – Mad Dog, Blind Pew, Billy Bones… only adds to the fun, and further helps establish this as a ‘genuine’ prequel of which Rober Louis Stevenson would surely approve.

Beginning with Silver’s reluctant initiation into the ways of the Brethren of the Coast, the story traces his rapid rise to quartermaster (further advancement being staved off by his frustrating inability to master the arts of navigation) and eventual teaming up with Flint – Naval Lieutenant turned mutineer and eventual pirate captain. Each man finds he perfectly compliments the other in skill – Silver being a true leader of men, and Flint being a master navigator and strategist. Together they form a wildly successful pirate career until their inherent differences in motivation and humanity drive them apart. As the story unfolds, you can clearly see the foundation of Treasure Island laid out, although not to final completion as it would appear that one more novel remains before we would see the introduction of Jim Hawkins and company. I await this book with baited breath, and once you’ve read Flint and Silver, I’m confident you’ll feel the same.

I doubt it comes as a surprise to seasoned Bilgemunky.com readers that I have strong preferences with regards to pirate music. By and large, I want it, well, piratey. Meaning shameless, brazen, and loud. All too often sea shanties are performed in the folk-song manner of your Great Aunt Gertrude (meaning toothless and dry) – or worse yet, a kindergarten teacher just before nap-time. But it’s bands like The Dreadnoughts that show us why traditional sea shanties can still kick ass.

With their first album “Legends Never Die”, The Dreadnoughts hold nothing back as they apply electric guitars, drums, fiddles, accordions, and pub-punk vocals to get the most out of traditional and original songs alike. Old favorites such as Old Maui, Katie Bar the Door, Roll the Woodpile Down, and The Dreadnought are all given a new, modernly-pirate life reminiscent of Flogging Molly or Dropkick Murphies. This Irish rock influence is also clear in the album’s original tracks that sound so at home amongst the other shanties that they’re sure to be in danger of being mistaken for traditional. Fire Marshall Willy, Antarctica, A Rambler’s Life, and others all add to the extended pirate rock-out session this album offers.

Of course, the one track that entirely stands out is “Mary the One Eyed Prostitute Who Fought the Colossal Squid and Saved Us from Certain Death on the High Seas, God Rest Her One Eyed Soul.” Easily on par with the rest of this album’s high quality songs, Mary boasts the additional quality of having the most highly braggable title I’ve seen on a pirate album in some long while.

Throughout the album, instrumentals and vocals seamlessly flow from almost-traditional to full out modern. This merger makes Legends Never Die a clear evolution of the traditional sea shanty, rather than a total reinvention. In this way even die-hard fans of true, crusty sea shanties may well find much to enjoy on this album. And as for those who prefer to mosh to true pirate rock? This is definitely their album, as The Dreadnoughts demonstrate Pirate-Core at its truest and finest.