Pirates… we need more of them. And where do we get more pirates? From little pirates, of course. This is why it’s so important that that wee ones are inundated with pirates during their upbringing. Sure, they should be made to read Treasure Island, and forced to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean flicks again and again and again – but it’s also vital that the necessary pirate exposure occurs in unexpected and surprising ways. Such as in a children’s video about the importance of moving water in our world – yeah, stuff like that.

The Riddle in a Bottle is not what one would generally seek out if looking to provide their kiddies with their daily pirate quotient. In fact, your child might simply believe they’re about to learn about the tides, currents, sea turtles, ponds, and all that sort of stuff. And they will – and in a fun, child-friendly way that incorporates humor, song, and talking sea critters. But then at the end, providing they’ve been good and been paying attention, they’ll be rewarded with a singing pirate! And truly, can there be any greater reward for learning? I tell you, if singing pirates were at the end of every scholarly pursuit, I’d still be in school to this day.

The Riddle in a Bottle is brought to us by brother and sister team Laura and Robert Sams, who’ve apparently done all sorts of respectable work with regards to educating the young’ns about the natural world. But finally they’ve incorporated pirates into their work, which means they’ve reached the pinnacle of their craft.

The film is short – only 30 minutes – but seems longer (in a good way) as it’s chock full of learnin’. Older adolescents might find the material way too kiddish to enjoy, but younger kids should enjoy every minute.

The story begins by explaining the daily life of the Buccaneer Bunnies – proper scalliwaggs that spend their time the way I’d spend *my* time given the opportunity – not raiding and pillaging, but rather lounging about on a tropical island and shooting each other out of cannons. The fun comes to an end, however, when Henry – the youngest of these pirate rodents – discovers a note in a bottle that threatens impending danger. Most of the pirate scoff, but Henry takes the warning seriously and begins preparations. I won’t tell you how it ends, but here’s a hint: It involves Crazed Chicken Pirates (in an airship).

As is often with children’s books, this one is made up mostly of fun pictures, with only a paragraph or so of simple text per page. The art is very decent, and while many pages can be taken in at a glance, some others offer loads of fun surprises as you examine them (the introductory page featuring the Buccaneer Bunnies’ ship is particulary detailed.)

Kids will love the bunnies and the chickens, adults will enjoy the valuable lessons in how to ambush chickes, and teenagers will enjoy the moody sub-plot involving creepy teenage vampires and their mortal girlfriends. Ok, I made up that last one – teenagers should read something else.

Let’s see… a jolly band of misfit pirates take their flying ship to an amusement park in search of treasure – while there they’re bombarded with parents wanting to take pictures, kids thinking it’s ok to climb on the pirates, and security guards who just don’t understand that it’s all in good fun…

Sounds like a typical weekend to me. Well, except for the flying ship. Someday, maybe.

Baltazar and the Flying Pirates is more or less the tale I just described, brought to life in colorful, friendly artwork. The pirates are a misfit crew indeed, with some members you may recognize (Anne Bonney, Long John Silver) and still more that are new to this story (Flynn, Captain Redlocks, Big Queeq, etc.) Each is a character is unique and memorable as their names, to say nothing of the story’s “every boy” protagonist, with the truly unusual name of Baltazar.

It seems that Baltazar’s ancestor played a key role in the burying of the pirate’s treasure, and now he knows the secret thanks to a lifetime of bedtime stories, and so he was elected to serve as the pirates’ guide. That the treasure’s secret location is now also the site of an amusement park only adds to the challenge (and to the fun.)

It’s an amusing story that should be well enjoyed by any younger buccaneers, along with their parents, older siblings, or captains.

For those of you haters who’ve been writing to your newspapers saying that all historically-inclined pirate festivals should be canceled because a few Somalians can’t behave themselves, get bent check this out – pirates teaching Christian values. Now don’t you feel sheepish? Of course, they’re entirely lame, don’t look or sound remotely piratey, but at least they’re making the effort. Or made the effort, rather – this was back in the seventies. I like to think that one of those smiling children grew up to be a right despicable scallywag, and is swilling rum and gutting Spaniards as we speak (in a very “love-thy-neighbor” way, of course.)

Aye, so if you don’t have the nerve or wherewithall to become a pirate on your own, Disney is soon to be offering the wee ones pirate makeovers.

The First Mate Package at $49.95 plus tax includes:

• Bandana (reversible)
• Choice of Facial Effect look: Cursed Pirate, Captain Hook or Captain Jack
• Fake Teeth
• One (1) 5×7 picture

Empress Package at $49.95 plus tax includes:

• Bandana (reversible)
• Shimmering Makeup Makeover
• Face Gem
• Nail Polish
• One (1) 5×7 picture

Additional pirate costumes for this package are available for purchase at The Pirates League.

The Captains Package at $124.95 plus tax includes:

• Choice of pirate costume
• Choice of Facial Effect look: Cursed Pirate, Captain Hook or Captain Jack
• Fake Teeth
• Three (3) 5″ x 7″ pictures

Of course, all this is for wusses and posers – if you want your kids to be REAL pirates, then send’m my way. For a mere $999.99, they can attend Bilgemunky’s Intensive Pirate Crash Course Weekend. I’ll leave them out in the sun until they’re nice and burnt, deprive them of vitamin C so they lose a few teeth, teach them some colorful new words, and fill them with such a murderous hatred of Spaniards that they’ll go on a bloody rampage at the mere sight of a Taco Bell.

Of all the pirate musical artists it’s the childrens’ entertainers for which I have the lowest expectations. I can’t tell you how many pirate kids’ albums I’ve never even bothered to seek out based on their sample tracks that clearly demonstrate a soft, froofy performance that would be of no interest whatsoever to those over the age of six. Mike Mennard, however, is a different beast entirely. True, children are clearly his target audience. But he also demonstrates remarkable creativity and talent the likes of which can be thoroughly enjoyed by all ages – mostly.

This album opens with its title track “Pirates Do the Darndest Things” – a catchy, brilliant tune that encompasses the CD’s key strengths and weaknesses bundled together. The song itself is original, unique, well-crafted and witty. It’s a song that anyone who loves modern pirate music will instantly cherish – except for the pirate jokes and ad-lib comments tucked between verses – jokes that kids will surely fine hilarious, but which will mercilessly grate at the nerves of adults like shark-skin across a sunburned backside.

This trend of almost-adult-friendly musical genius is continued throughout the album. Approximately 18 tracks of music interspersed with 10 or so shorter narrative sketches and jokes. These short narratives are exceedingly well done, with sound effects and complimentary music, but likely will be much more enjoyable to kids than adults. As to the songs – they vary in age appropriateness, but remain of a consistently high quality. A Pirate’s Life For Me is Mennard’s version of the Disney favorite, this time performed in a bit more of a barn dance twang than is usually heard (pass the pirate moonshine, y’all!) Arrh! is a fun bit about what it takes to be a pirate, while Swab the Deck features a string of orders a pirate might shout at his attending cabin boy.

Fifteen Men is an adaptation of the Robert Lewis favorite with new lyrics and a marching cadence quality. Bucanneer on Broadway then takes a truly unique tack as it features a pirate singing about how he’d rather perform on stage. The delivery is hilarious, and does indeed sound like it belongs on Broadway. Early in the Morning / Blow the Man Down also stands out in that it’s something of a musical duel between a crusty, shanty-singing pirate and a pirate-themed soft rocker. Long time pirate fans will surely get an insider’s kick as the pirate complains that, “that doesn’t sound like pirate music,” and then get an additional, if unintentional chuckle from, “I’d do more than *that* to a drunken sailor” which takes on an amusing double meaning for those of us with unclean minds.

While most every song of this CD features elements that remind this is a childrens’ album – references to rootbeer or silly jokes and puns – by and large it remains enjoyable for all ages. There are, however, some tracks that grown-up pirates just might not be able to stomach. Most of the mini-tracks are quite kid-centric, as are songs such as Capt. Mother Goose, Captain Jack Whiney, and Pirates of Nice.

I’d love to criticize Mike Mennard for failing to create a truly adult-friendly album, as I’m certain his clear talent for the subject would be an asset to the genre. But then I remind myself that if today’s children are to become the pirates of tomorrow, then they need music that will get them off to a good start. And in this way Mennard is sewing the pirate seeds for tomorrow’s swashbuckling scalliwaggs. That he does so with such musical skill and wit as to make the album “mostly” adult friendly is a happy bonus. Just try not to cringe too much at the silly jokes, and remember it’s for the greater good.

Since the very beginning, Captain Bogg & Salty has always walked a fine line. On the face of it they’re children’s entertainers, and therefore sing silly songs of a kid-friendly nature. But the genius of their first album, Bedtime Stories for Pirates, was that – rather than sounding like preschool teachers like so many other childrens’ “pirate” entertainers – Bogg & Salty lent the impression of being real pirates; actual buccaneers, albeit good-natured ones, doing their level best to “keep it clean” for the duration of the album. This made Bogg & Salty a rare beast, being a pirate band that could be enjoyed by kids and their parents (and even angsty teens and 20-somethings) alike.

Bedtime Stories set a strong precedent that surely proved a challenge to maintain on subsequent albums. Peg Leg Tango featured what became some of Bogg & Salty’s most beloved songs of all time (Pieces of 8ight, Scallywagg), but in my opinion also featured some of the weakest (I’m a Pirate, Nellie the Elephant, Sea Monster). Prelude to Mutiny then went on to reclaim the lost ground with a host of pirate brilliance, including Mutiny of the Hispaniola, Wind, Dead Men Tell No Tales, Hoist the Grog, and Part of Your World. So as the tides between adult and kid-friendly have already shifted time and again, where does Captain Bogg & Salty’s fourth and latest album, Emphatical Piratical wind up?

The album begins with the title track Emphatical Piratical, a friendly, energetic song that fits well with what seasoned listeners might expect of this band. Next up is the somewhat goofy Don’t Drink Seawater, which is the sort of pirate silly song that kids likely love, but adults not so much. It does, however, teach an important lesson about the dangers of drinking seawater (so stick to rum, kiddies*). Port Side, however, gets us right back on track with an 80′s retro style rap song about the parts of a ship – a decent piece that reflects Bogg & Salty’s love of experimenting with various genres.

Treading the Seas for Pirate Gold is a remake of a Hucklescary Finn song, altered slightly to offer a respectful nod to Kevin Hendrickson’s previous Pirate-Core bands, Hucklescary Finn and Pirate Jenny. A fine piece that particularly stands out in the use of the beloved “ribcage” xylophone. Bunnyjacks is a definite children’s song, and a followup of sorts to one of the most famous lines in their earlier song Scurvy. Frogg Island again demonstrates the genre-bending nature of Bogg & Salty with a breezy, island style easy listening song in the style of Jimmy Buffet and such – relaxin’ on the beach after a hard day of plunderin’.

Skipping ahead a bit (reasons made clear later), Sea Monster II is another children’s tune. I wasn’t really a fan of Sea Monster I, finding it far too youth-targeted and “soft” to satisfy my more grown-up piratical music cravings. Never Smile at a Crocodile is a remake of a Disney song, and seems a mix between Bogg & Salty’s earlier works Sea Kings and A Part of Your World – it’s very fun, very energetic, and like Don’t Drink Seawater imparts valuable life lessons. Waltz of the Waves is slow and sentimental, but in my opinion falls rather flat. The album then concludes with Who’s at Captain’s Table, which has a definite Hucklecary Finn air about it and makes for a fine children’s pirate tune, although it too probably lacks the extra “oomph” needed to attract adult ears.

Coming back to the middle of the album, Purple Tiki and Plank Walker I want to mention together, as they warrant special consideration. Tiki is a tribal, two part song that begins slow and spoken and ends fast and sung. It’s silly and certainly kid-friendly, but not so exclusively as to scare off adults. Plank Walker is more of a fifties style, drive-in creature feature song with great guitar work and spooky vocals. Bothof these songs feature pirate elements, both are approachable to kids and adults alike – and neither really stood out to me on first listen. These songs, and indeed much of this album, seemed to lack that extra “pirattitude” in the lyrics needed to really command my attention. But on second and third listen (that last time via my best stereo system, rather than my car’s garbage audio) I realized that while Bogg & Salty may indeed have left this key strength by the wayside on much of this album, they had also built upon another strength – that of the music itself.

Bogg & Salty’s music has always been fantastic, but it’s the piratey lyrics that have pushed it over the top. With this album, and Tiki and Plank Walker in particular, I felt most of the lyrics lacked that extra punch. But the music… never before has this band sounded so incredible. Purple Tiki has the sort of beat that you can’t help but dance to, while Plank Walker so perfectly captures that 1950′s Halloween spook show style it seeks to emulate.

While I do miss the strength reflected in the lyrics of the other albums, I’d be entirely remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that the some of the music on this album is a noteable success of another sort. This album leans slightly towards the younger audience, as kids will surely adore Bunnyjacks, Sea Monster, Crocodile, and Captain’s Table. Adult fans will no doubt enjoy Emphatical Piratical, Port Side, and Treading the Seas, but it’s songs like Frogg Island, Purple Tiki, and Plank Walker that are in danger of being overlooked and under appreciated. If you’re listening for classic Bogg & Salty over-the-top pirate lyrics, you’ll be disappointed as I nearly was. But keep a fresh mind and let the songs – and particularly the music – stand on its own and this album certainly turns up some gems.

*note – DON’T stick to rum, kiddies

Let’s face it, most of us don’t live the sort of lives that allow us to indulge our love of piracy – we don’t own sloops with cannons, we can’t walk around our neighborhoods with swords strapped to our hips, and so on. This is where Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMO) are such a wonderful modern creation. For those not familiar with the concept, an MMO is essentially an online world where you create a character and do whatever it is you wish you could be doing in real life. For people like us, this usually means looting and pillaging.

Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean Online is a relatively young MMO – it’s only been live for a few months and is still growing and developing to best suit the desires of its players. In it, you create a pirate character – male or female – and customize their look to suit your tastes. The characters are a little cartoony, with the menfolk being rather burely and the girls leaning towards the cutesy, but this works well enough considering that the game itself is a bit fantastic and cartoony, rather than attempting to mimick reality outright.

Early game play is carefully guided by local non-player townsfolk, including some memorable faces from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Initial missions help you earn and learn the arts of cutlass, sailing, cannons, and pistols. It’s not long before the gameplay frees up, at which point you can continue on the main storyline quests (which get increasingly more difficult), but can also engage in ingame “extracurricular” activities to expand your skills and wealth. Things such as sailing and gambling can be done between yourself and ingame characters, but grow much more rewarding (and more fun) when you work alongside other players – real people you can interract with, learn from, chat with, etc. What you can’t do, noteably, is stab them and steal their money. This is a Disney game, after all, and Disney has made a great effort in keeping this game fun and safe for all, without sacrificing the piratey feel. There’s plenty of fighting, mind you, but you’re not allowed to shoot other humans (real or ingame), and cutlass attacks to foes merely result in the enemy falling down and dissappearing – no bloodshed involved. Of course, if the enemy bests you instead, you fall down and land in prison, being none the worse for wear except being “groggy” for a while, resulting in slowed reaction and health.

Pirates of the Caribbean Online is a very fun game, especially for newcomers to the MMO genre – or for folks who just don’t have the time to invest in a more involved MMO such as Pirates of the Burning Sea. It has surprisingly low hardware requirements compared to other MMOs, but PotC Online’s strength is also its curse – the simplicity of gameplay and missions makes it easy for all ages to enjoy, and doesn’t much penalize those who’s real world time commitments only allow them to play in small doses. But more mature players who want a full emmersion experience may quickly grow bored – the world is small, consisting of only four real cities, and a dozen or so smaller locations. Also, missions can tend to get very repetative, with countless errand-boy style challenges that bear little that’s new from previously completed goals (if defeating 5 skeletons is fun for a 2nd level player, defeating 50 isn’t necessarily anything new for a 20th level.)

PotC Online’s weakness aside, the game remains fun and charming. If missions get old, there is still much to be said for logging on after a hard day at work and meeting your friends to shoot cannons at the Navy for a couple of hours. And the game developers are clearly working to expand the game’s variety and playability – new clothing, haircuts, and tattoos were just added as ingame features (previously you were stuck with the look you chose at the beginning), and interviews have implied that new locations and missions are currently in the works.

Pirateology certainly isn’t the only explore/activity book on pirates, and to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if it’s even the first. But it’s most certainly one of most involved. Far from a simple history of pirates, each page takes on the feeling of a pirate-hunter’s scrapbook, complete with journal entries, pictures and keepsakes, and hidden secrets. Readers can find bags of gold dust, scraps of pirate flags, and – if they’re very, very thorough – even the secret location of Arabella Drummond’s treasure.

Pirateology is eye-catching from the start. The hardbound cover features a gold jolly roger against a black background, and a real, working compass. Upon opening, it’s nearly jarring how much material is presented on a single page. It’s easy to let the eyes and fingers roam aimlessly, but this is a book that should be explored from the beginning, and taken step-by-step – otherwise, much might be missed.

Books such as this, I think, best serve a very specific interest. Learning about pirates in the exploratory scrapbook manner is hardly the most efficient way to digest information, but it is certainly one of the most entertaining. And afterwards, the novice pirate enthusiast will likely retain a great deal about pirates and their lives – what they ate, how they lived, how they fought, what they wore, what they sailed, etc. etc. In fact, if a child has only one book on pirates, they could do a lot worse for themselves than starting with Pirateology, as it would do much to open up the diverse world of pirates in all it’s varied aspects (although a thorough discussion of rum is notably absent.)

That Pirateology opens a whole world of piracy to children is no accident, and one that the folks who created this book are quite ready to expand upon. Pirateology also has an associated calendar, a board game, a model ship, and figurines of famous pirates and their ship – all available seperately. I’ve not yet explored these items in detail, but to the casual glance they all seem wonderfully piratey and entertaining.

A book such as this could do much to save your young niece or nephew from a life of tedium and normalcy by introducing them to pirates right proper and early. Highly recommended.