Unthinkable – Arrrgg me eyes, anti-pirate laser developed

OK, so this clearly falls into modern Somalian-style piracy, which we don’t really cover here. But it also falls into pop culture since it’s a pirate move. And it involves Samuel Jackson, so it clearly falls into the “awesome” territory.

Fine, I admit that the only reason I’m posting this is so that I can make a joke about Jackson yelling, “I’m sick and tired of these <monkey-freaking> pirates on this <monkey-freaking> plane!!!”

Modern pirates, from many perspectives, have some definite commonalities with historical pirates – the parallels are astounding and fascinating. But most of these similarities have little to nothing to do with the ”fun” part of pirates - Somali pirates don’t have parrots, don’t drink rum, don’t fly a jolly roger, and don’t sing “Yo ho ho.” Therefore they’re not something I intend to focus on. Now that Somali pirates have made additional headlines and the word “pirate” is again becoming a scary word (at least in some contexts), I stand by this policy more than ever.

BUT…

There are those rare times when modern and historical pirates intersect, and I suppose I’d be dreadfully derelict in my duties were I to ignore such cases. This new article in the Wall Street Journal, Real Pirates Have Taken the ‘Ho Ho’ Out of ‘Yo Ho Ho’ for Cap’n Slappy- for example - where many of our friends and cohorts are quoted (Cap’n Slappy, Rob Ossian, Christine Lampe.)

And then, of course, is the recent episode of South Park, Fatbeard, in which Cartman goes to Somalia in the hopes of finding (and joining) a crew of “proper” tricorn-wearing scallywags, but instead only finds a bunch of modern pirates. It even included a rollicking pirate tune:

You can see the full episode at Southpark Studios.

These few exceptiosn aside, there is little about AK-47 weilding modern day pirates that captures my imagination, and so little more need be said. Save for this: I’ve been asked time and again if the recent crisis in Somalia will hurt pop-cultural pirate enthusiasm, and I know of at least one letter to the editor emploring a town to cancel its annual pirate festival for fear of glorifying evil doers. To my mind, this is the same sort of idiocy that can’t tell the difference between Harry Potter and Satanic worship, between attending a Hawaiian Luau and endorsing human sacrifice, etc. etc. The ocean’s a big place, as is piracy – that Somalia and the Bretheren of the Coast indeed overlap in a few key points doesn’t mean we have to compromise or apologize for our love of Golden Age swashbucklers.

 www.piratesafe.com

Oh my, it’s just so beautiful. I want one, and then I want a boat, and then I want pirates to try and board so that I can use the damned thing.

Being an independent film, Salt Lake understandably lacks the Hollywood polish. For the most part this isn’t a problem as it remains plenty slick on its own merits. It does have two moments of weakness, though – both of which regrettably occur within the first few minutes, and risk audiences prematurely dismissing the movie before it truly begins. The first incident is during a flashback from generations past in which a demonic pirate is seen – it’s relatively silly and reminiscent of a B slasher film. Not that B slasher films are all bad, but this movie is smarter than that. The second incident is when the protagonists, Kirk and Flint, find their first victims – a catamaran with two ladies and some muscle-bound dude. In a film full of great acting, these three extras are amongst the worst imaginable, and look entirely lost for what to do, save for when they look like they’re trying not to laugh. It’s sad because these two events lower the bar of the film, and some viewers may have difficulty recovering in time to get full enjoyment from all that follows.

For those that do recover, however, this film quickly begins to show its merits. Taking place in modern Salt Lake City, Kirk and Flint are pirates – two guys who just know that piracy is in their blood, and seek to live out the swashbuckling lives that fate has chosen for them. The challenges they face are many, including parents who don’t understand their chosen lifestyle, “victims” who are more entertained than scared, and a predominant lack of ship, crew, or prospects of any sort. All this changes, however, upon the discovery of a treasure map, and so the search for riches begins.

Along the way the viewer is treated to more than a few oddities – the sorts of surreal elements that can be perplexing if you think about them too hard. Ancient gypsies with laptop computers, an apparently angelic Indian narrator with a penchant for metaphor, and the wordless exchange of an eyepatch between kindred souls. Strange? Absolutely. But also a sort of quiet genius. The humor throughout is wry, dry, and poignant. Those of us immersed in a pirate lifestyle of our own will surely find much that’s humorously relatable, while our loved ones who’ve politely tolerated our odd obsession might cringe at how effectively Pirates of the Great Salt lake satirizes our situation.

Truly, this is first and foremost a movie written for the pirate enthusiast. But in this there is something that bothers me:  I enjoyed this movie, but not quite as much as I wish. Strangely, much of the humor seems funny in hindsight, but was merely amusing while actually watching it – something about surreal and outright goofy gags performed in such a matter-of-fact, dry manner proved difficult for me to process. I got the jokes, I smiled at the jokes, but I rarely laughed at them (although there were exceptions.) However, this same dry delivery, while perhaps impeding the humor a bit, also serves to add substance to scenes that might otherwise have simply been screwball. The narrator’s inspired monologue about persistence when digging for treasure, the imagery of two modern pirates riding a tandem bicycle to the song “Life Less Ordinary”, Kirk’s discussion with Flint about his wearing of an earring as though it were a performance review – these and countless other oddly touching moments stick with me long after the movie has ended, and it’s these scenes that make this movie iconic of our barely existing subculture.

It may be imperfect, but Pirates of the Great Salt Lake wears its pirate heart on its sleeve, and is a definite must-see for any and all fans of the pirate genre.

What you won’t read here:

1) Keira Knightly done with PotC – No kidding. Her story arc is over, and it’s highly unlikely we’ll see any more of Elizabeth Swann. That said, it’s too early to know anything about anything about PotC 4, which makes all “news” at this time actually pointless gossip.

2) Talk Like a Pirate Day is coming – Again, no kidding. But to be fair, maybe not all readers know this (hint, it’s September 19th, and you can read all about it.) But just the same, I’m not going to link to every newspaper that has a story about “brush up on your pirate lingo” or “prepare to say ARRRR this Saturday”, etc. etc.

3) Modern pirates have taken hostages, raided a ship, etc. – There’s nothing fun or romantic about modern piracy. So I’m not gonna promote it here.

4) Johnny Depp is doing something – This one’s actually a pet peeve of mine. If you want to be a Johnny Depp fan, fine. But this isn’t a Johnny Depp site, and unless what he’s doing has something to do with pirates, then Depp news is not pirate news. Willy Wonka ain’t a pirate, nor is Sweeny Todd. Edward Scissorhand’s off the chart entirely. Maybe you could make a case for the dude he played in “Blow”, but then see #3 above.

So there you have it – a few things you’re not going to find here. Just thought you should know.

OK, get this. The author is hanging out on the beach one day and talks to a stranger who mentions how pirates once built their own kingdoms in Madagascar. The author then decides to go check it out for himself, but rather than fly or rent a ship he mooches, finesses, and bribes his way one island at a time, meeting the strangest assortment of folks along the way.

This man is my hero.

True piracy, at least its romantic swashbuckling form, is dead. But its ghost clings tightly to Kevin Rushby’s exploits as he works his way slowly towards Madagascar through jungles, riots, whale orgies, and most every other sort of obstacle imaginable. But this isn’t really a book about adventure – it’s about reality, and how reality in other parts of the world can be so different from our own. Rushby survives various cultures and climates just trying to make it from one day to the next, getting food and lodging where and how he can. And all the while he slowly works his way towards Madagascar in hope of finding pirate descendents and some form of evidence that pirate utopias once existed. When he finally reaches the conclusion of his search, what he does discover is surprising (and I thought very satisfying.)

I love to travel, but am unlikely to island-hop my way to Madagascar anytime soon. I envy Kevin Rushby’s experiences, and I’m grateful he saw fit to record them in such an entertaining and informative manner. A must read, and a wonderfully refreshing change of pace from the typical historical or fictional pirate novel.

If you read only one happy-go-lucky account of whale slaughter this year…

Gus Openshaw is just your average joe, seeking to make a life with his wife and new son. When his plans are thwarted by an angry whale (who swallows his family whole, along with Gus’s right arm), Gus must find a way to make that all-too-common transition from humble catfood cannery worker into whale hunting avenger. This is easier said than done, especially considering that in these kinder, gentler days whale killing is generally frowned upon. One is certain to become entangled in all sorts of legal fiascos. But that’s only the beginning – mutinous crews, renegade princesses, foreign navies, discount arms dealers, and (of course) pirates all serve to make Gus’ adventures a sight more interesting than he’d like.

Readers of Keith Thomson’s previous work, “Pirates of Pensacola” (which I hereby declare the official 2005 Bilgemunky Book of the Year) will recognize several nods and references as Gus travels throughout the Caribbean, including occasional visits to the Spice Islands. Also familiar will be Thomson’s love of creating unique, bizarre, quirky, and dangerous characters, and then putting them into a world just skew of reality. But where “Pirates of Pensacola” was kept in check enough to be nearly believable, with “Gus Openshaw” Thomson has thrown caution to the wind entirely, allowing mechanical squids, mind-bogglingly stupid crewmates, and Bob the Rat to make frequent appearances. But by casting all observations through the eyes of Gus’ dry, blue-collar matter-of-fact personality, even the ludicrous becomes almost believable, and highly comical.

Ivy-league torturers named Kip, farts used as an offensive weapon, whale-worshipping island nations with broadband internet connections, Yahoo – it’s all here, and it’s all good.

Bravo Two Sierra is quite the change of pace from the usual pirate book. The story is completely modern and – like most modern piracy – it completely lacks the romantic panache that makes historical piracy so much fun. But that’s not to say this book isn’t entertaining. Indeed, more than anything I enjoyed the language. It reminded me of reading Treasure Island, except instead of words like “belay” and “scupper,” author Stephen R. Gagin has inundated his work with modern nautical terminology. Phrases such as “1MC” and “sea and anchor detail” abound, phrases frighteningly familiar from my navy days. Indeed, it was Gagin’s persistence in sharing the details of modern shipboard life that made this book most worthwhile.

Gagin goes to great lengths to develop the temperaments and motivations of the crewman of the USS Massasoit – the ill fated naval ship destined for a run-in with modern pirates – delving into the minds of enlisted and officer alike. And he doesn’t stop there, but goes on to pursue the inner workings and life-stories of a multitude of other characters, ranging from CIA operatives to Cuban police chiefs, and from prostitutes to satanic cult leaders. Many of these background stories are quite interesting, although all together they do take on a “cast of thousands” feel, and it can get difficult at times to keep track of who’s who.

The vast majority of Bravo Two Sierra was an intriguing and enjoyable read. It did suffer from more than its fair share of typos, which proved somewhat distracting at times (and other times quite amusing, as in a brief reference to the famous historical pirate, Captain “Harry Morgan”), but this doesn’t make this book any less valuable to anyone wishing for a fictitious peek into the life of the modern sailor. However, what might detract from some readers’ enjoyment is the latter portions of the book. While I don’t wish to give away any specifics of the story, it bears mention that the modern pirates in this book are brutal. The bloodshed builds as the book draws into its final chapters, and it isn’t pretty. Gagin pulls no punches in showing just how evil his antagonists can be, and takes the violence to a level that’s borderline sadistic. Some readers may find this exciting, but others will surely find it off-putting.

All told, I find myself in the unique position of being unable to recommend this book, but I wouldn’t NOT recommend it, either. Part Tom Clancey and part Stephen King, I found this book in parts to be gripping and enjoyable, yet in others it was downright savage. And so I think it best to just step back this time and let readers decide for themselves whether this sounds like a book for them or not – some of you should steer clear, while others may wish to pick up a copy right away. You’ll have to decide for yourself into which category you fall.