Pamper yerself. Pirate-style.

You work hard. Between vet appointments and housecleaning and the 9-to-5 grind at the acid mines or nail factory or law dispensary or whatever you do for a living, you’re beat. And you long for nothing more than to cut loose and blow off steam in a manner most piratey. You reach for the rum and cigars, but then remember the doctor told you to cut back. You’d settle for striking a jaunty pose, but your knee isn’t what it used to be. You could say bugger it all, grab a flintlock and raid the neighbors poolside tiki bar, but there’s that damned restraining order to think about…

So what’s a modern pirate to do? All you ask is the chance to swash the occasional buckle, but Talk Like a Pirate Day is months away and your hearty crewmates are all busy with their kids at judo practice and ballet recitals. You’re too landlocked to steal a dinghy, and too broke and/or out-of-shape for any respectable carousing.

Whenever the call of the sea is thwarted, it’s good to remember our pirate forebears of old, and how they dealt in such times. When Blackbeard had to let the Queen Anne’s Revenge sail without him while he stayed behind for jury duty, did he mope around the docks, morosely stabbing strangers with a sad little “yar”? Probably. But it didn’t help his sour mood—that could only be remedied with a pirate spa night. Continue reading

Does “Swagger” Make You Smell Like a Pirate?

So I was pretty stoked when I saw Old Spice’s “Swagger” at my local supermarket. I mean, just look at it! The red and black label, the very name “swagger”, and of course Old Spice’s long tradition of making you smell, well, old. And spicy. Anyways, I figured if ever there was an underarm deodorant that would make you smell piratey, this must be it.

Well, let’s not get too excited. First and foremost Swagger smells like nothing more than underarm deodorant. You know that smell that all other deodorants have? Yeah, that smell. Maybe it’s the smell of the aluminum zirconium trichlorohydrex, but it has that same, non-distinctive perfuminess that they all seem to have. Coupled with that smell that they add to all “manly” deodorants so as to distinguish them from girly ones. Let’s call it “Drakkar.”

So beneath these initial, primary aromas, is there an underlying foundation of pirate smells? Beats me, I’ve already grown bored with it. Which probably means no.

Yo ho, yo ho…beauty and a bottle of rum?

Yo ho, yo ho…beauty and a bottle of rum?

The Examiner recently posted this article about all the various beauty products out there that are rum-based. Not that this would come as a surprise to anyone that’s met me – I bathe in rum daily, which is why my skin is so radient. My healthy teeth and gums are a direct result of mixing rum into my toothpaste, and my youthful appearance can be chocked up to weekly rum injections directly into my cheekbones. Botox ain’t got nothin’ on rum!

Review: Pirate Scented Oils

Rating: ★★★★☆
Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Some folks think smelling like a pirate is something that just happens – go someplace hot, engage in some sort of manual labor (like gutting spaniards), and let the sweat do the rest. And to be honest, this method is highly effective. But it also explains why so many pirates had to pay for their female companionship.

So what does a pirate do if he wishes to emit a manly scent – one that bespeaketh of robust skullduggery, and yet still makes the ladies’ toes curl? That’s where Black Phoenix comes in. Black Phoenix carries an enourmous variety of scented oils, many of them aimed at the graveyard crowd. But if you’re willing to do some digging, as with John Hawkins, there’s treasure to be found. They in fact offer several pirate-specific oils, reviewed here, and also several pirate-friendly oils (with names like Voodoo and Port Royal,) which I’ve not had opportunity to review, but probably smell perfectly piratey as well. Continue reading

Review: Swashbuckler and Shipwrecked Scented Soaps

Rating: ★★★★★
Arcana Soaps

This item is available through multiple retailers. recommends and

It’s good to smell like a pirate.

Think you’re dedicated to your love of piracy? Do you have four pirate hats, three frock coats, and more cutlasses than you can swing a parrot at? Think you’re dedicated? Let me as you this: Do you wash daily with pirate soap?

Dress Like a Pirate now offers a line of handmade pirate soaps. I sampled two of them – the Swashbuckler and Shipwrecked. Continue reading