Well, let’s not get too excited. First and foremost Swagger smells like nothing more than underarm deodorant. You know that smell that all other deodorants have? Yeah, that smell. Maybe it’s the smell of the aluminum zirconium trichlorohydrex, but it has that same, non-distinctive perfuminess that they all seem to have. Coupled with that smell that they add to all “manly” deodorants so as to distinguish them from girly ones. Let’s call it “Drakkar.”

So beneath these initial, primary aromas, is there an underlying foundation of pirate smells? Beats me, I’ve already grown bored with it. Which probably means no.

The Examiner recently posted this article about all the various beauty products out there that are rum-based. Not that this would come as a surprise to anyone that’s met me – I bathe in rum daily, which is why my skin is so radient. My healthy teeth and gums are a direct result of mixing rum into my toothpaste, and my youthful appearance can be chocked up to weekly rum injections directly into my cheekbones. Botox ain’t got nothin’ on rum!

Some folks think smelling like a pirate is something that just happens – go someplace hot, engage in some sort of manual labor (like gutting spaniards), and let the sweat do the rest. And to be honest, this method is highly effective. But it also explains why so many pirates had to pay for their female companionship.

So what does a pirate do if he wishes to emit a manly scent – one that bespeaketh of robust skullduggery, and yet still makes the ladies’ toes curl? That’s where Black Phoenix comes in. Black Phoenix carries an enourmous variety of scented oils, many of them aimed at the graveyard crowd. But if you’re willing to do some digging, as with John Hawkins, there’s treasure to be found. They in fact offer several pirate-specific oils, reviewed here, and also several pirate-friendly oils (with names like Voodoo and Port Royal,) which I’ve not had opportunity to review, but probably smell perfectly piratey as well.

Jolly Roger: Leather, rum, wood – and yet it all adds up to something sweet, but not too much so. The gentleman pirate – refined, but dangerous.

Black Pearl: More subtle than Jolly Roger, but also deeper and more mysterious. Musky.

Grog: You don’t need to spend the night drinking rum to smell like you have. “Grog” is the ultimate truth-in-labeling – it smells like rum raisins, and is happy to do so.

Anne Bonney: Who says guys should have all the fun? Spicey, seductive, and sweet. And perfect for the seagoing woman with a penchant for filleting spanish officers.

Bluebeard: Much like Jolly Roger, but less defined and darker. It has a sharpness about it underneath, much like that dagger stashed in your sleeve.

Of course, buying these oils is only half the battle – the real trick is how will you use them? Dab a little on your pulse-points (those are those spots you feel on yer mates ta see if they’re dead), or dollop a tad in your laundry. Or spash a little on a heated surface and let evaporation do the work (Bilgemunky.com and Black Phoenix Alchemy will not be held responsible if you set yourself on fire.) Whatever you do, you (or your quarters) are bound to smell piratey – and that’s what it’s all about

This item is available through multiple retailers. Bilgemunky.com recommends www.dresslikeapirate.com and www.stumpyandscurvy.com.

It’s good to smell like a pirate.

Think you’re dedicated to your love of piracy? Do you have four pirate hats, three frock coats, and more cutlasses than you can swing a parrot at? Think you’re dedicated? Let me as you this: Do you wash daily with pirate soap?

Dress Like a Pirate now offers a line of handmade pirate soaps. I sampled two of them – the Swashbuckler and Shipwrecked.

Swashbuckler is the perfect pirate soap – black as sin and emblazoned with a golden imprint of the jolly roger, scarred into the very surface of the soap itself. With such ingredients as Australian black clay and bay rum, this is truly the choice of seadogs – at least those that shower. The smell is sweet and rich, and quite prominent when the soap’s in use (although it’s much more subtle afterwards.)

Shipwrecked is more the soap of beach bums. Its aroma is very slight, and the sea salt mixture used genuinely makes me feel like I just spent the day at the beach, although it also dries out my skin a bit more than swashbuckler as well.

For myself, I’ve made Swashbuckler my standard soap. Shipwrecked didn’t suit me as well, although it was certainly of a fine quality, and you may well find it to your likeing. Dress Like a Pirate currently offers two more varieties – Shambhala and Filthy Viking. These also might suit you, but I think I’ll stick with Swashbuckler