www.hotpiratebabes.com

Now entering its fifth year, the Hot Pirate Babes Calendar has become a mainstay within the pirate community. Indeed, there’s a special place on my office wall that just wouldn’t be the same if it didn’t have a fetching pirate lass – be she angry or inviting – staring at me throughout her 30(ish) day reign. 2011 is nearly upon us, so now’s the time to lock in your year of pirate hotness. If you want it to be a year of surprises, then read no further as I will now engage in my annual ritual of evaluating these lasses’ varying degrees of pirateyness, combativeness, and – indeed – hotness.

January begins the year with a strong baseline. “Coastal Beauty” isn’t so much a remarkable or terribly creative photo as it is classic. The model boasts an “almost” functional pirate outfit (hardly historically accurate, but she might not catch her death at least) with weapons at the ready. Her steady face looks like she’s preparing to aim her flintlock – but what’s this? It’s not you she’s studying, but something over your left shoulder. Perhaps a villainous seagull, or god-forbid an airship pirate. Whatever is descending upon you, she’s about to make mincemeat, rest assured. February’s “Check Matie” takes a different approach, with its Sigourney Weaver lookalike model adopting a snarky expression just this side of mocking. Her attire falls somewhere between a strumpet and a circus performer (a sideshow doxie?), complete with the infamous crotch-cravat introduced in previous calendars. The slight awkwardness of February is followed by a different awkwardness in March. “Curvy Dunes” features a hot enough model, no doubt, but I’m afraid her Napoleon-esque uniform is wearing her – she just lacks the domineering presence of a four-foot tall French dictator. Not commonly a feature I look for in my pirate babes, but in this case it might have served her well. And there’s another of those damned cravats ;P

April’s “Dashin’ Doxie” returns us to the world of solidly lovely gals in outfits that might – might - not fly off in a light breeze (consider that a good thing or a bad thing according to your preferences.) But what makes this month stand out is that it’s more of an action shot than most. While many of the Hot Pirate Babes are clearly posing for the camera, Doxie is a snapshot of a pirate lass who’s just finished shooting one of your shipmates (and just might have one more bullet for you – hopefully you haven’t jilted her recently.) May’s “Bella Señora” bears all the qualities of Spanish seductress, save for the flintlock at her hip and the knife raised above her head. She’s a pleasant enough sight, although I don’t believe for a moment that she’s actually set on cutting me with her blade, which makes me to wonder why she doesn’t just put the damned thing away and hand me my drink already.

Throughout 2011, I’m afraid June will be one of the two weakest months. “Washed Ashore” is far too posed for my liking, and while her skin, hair, and clothing are drenched within an inch of their lives, her hat (a glorious hat, I’ll grant) seems bone dry. Between her appearance as flotsom, a shackled arm and defensive posture, this is clearly a picture meant to tell a story, if only it were a bit more cohesive. July picks up the slack though, as “Too Much Rum” (is there such a thing?) speaks clearly and concisely – this lady knows she’s a superstar, has plenty of rum, very few clothes, and she’s ready to have a good time. Correction: she’s already having one, and you’re free to join her or not – but she’s having a good time either way.

August, to my mind, will be the highlight of the 2011 Hot Pirate Babes year. “Fiddler Lass” seems to have it all – pirate music played just for you by a lass with the goods of a bombshell, but a face that maintains its own personality. That her chest is straining her corset to the limits of human comprehension doesn’t hurt either. September’s “Lookout” also features one of the year’s prettier gals, although in this case her calculating eyes make me feel she’s judging me (and I’m not sure I’m faring well in her estimation.) Her outfit appears another of the “almost feasible” sorts, although in this case it, and the lighting, are too dark to make out as much as I’d like.

October’s “Don’t Mess with Me” is far easier to see, featuring a lovely, curly haired piratess that reminds me very much of Madeline Kahn’s “Betty” in the pirate movie Yellowbeard. Cute enough, but I fear she seems to be planning the viewer’s rapid demise, so moving on to November, which is unfortunately the second of 2011′s weakest. This is primarily due to what I believe might be Tiger Lee’s white whale (I’m referring to a concept, and NOT November’s shapely model.) In short, “Fortress Guard” is an example of how Tiger has not yet captured the perfect uniformed hot pirate babe. From my viewpoint, what makes a hot pirate babe work is when there’s a certain level of feasibility, with ladies dressed in a manner that just maybe could be found in a shipboard, tavern, or brothel situation (however unlikely.) But women in uniform jackets, no pants, and bearing muskets in a “who goes there?” fashion – here is where my mind finds a disconnect. Why isn’t she wearing pants? And when did the British Army start to issue crotch cravats to their fortress guards? Perhaps I’m just too literal minded for my own good. But then, I’m not the one who forgot to wear pants to work.

The year then concludes much as it began – with a basic Hot Pirate Babe of the tried&true fashion. December’s “Camp Wench” hails from the blonde bombshell school of hotness, complete with the requisite revealing pirate attire and “come hither” eyes lined heavily in black. She’s a little posey, standing there with weapons that I’m not sure she has any idea how to use, but we’ll forgive her because, you know… hot.

You can order your Hot Pirate Babes Calendar from www.hotpiratebabes.com. If you don’t buy it now, you’ll forget, procrastinate until June, and then you’ll have missed half a year of pirate hotness. So do yourself a favor and place that order now.

For those that don’t know, Hedonism II is supposed to be a sexually-charged Jamaican resort. I’ve never been, but my understanding it always makes for a memorable, exciting vacation. And that it will be pirate-themed the week of October 23-30 can only add to the equation – Booze Cruises, harlot contests, pirate garb fashion show, pirate-erotic stage show… the only thing they seem to be missing is the world’s greatest pirate DJ. Hmmm…

So yeah, the long and short of it – sexy pirate vacation, and apparently some real efforts to make it awesomely pirate themed!

So I’ve reported before on the interesting/scary-as-hell adult toys inspired by Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. Well, now there’s another one – but it leaves me rather befuddled. It’s called Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker, and it’s basically a tiny (like, smaller than an elf) torso of Jesse Jane wearing a pirate hat.

I mean, is it like a sexy stress ball for squishing at the office? Because it would be pretty awesome to fondle a coke-can sized Jesse Jane while the boss is lecturing you about synergy. Or perhaps there’s a more direct usage , the likes of which would definitely get you fired where you to attempt such things in your cubicle? I emailed Digital Playground to ask for detailed clarification, but they neglected to respond.

Hey, did I mention that Jesse Jane is available in a sort-of-flesh-tone-but-not-really pink, OR in crystal clear? So if you want to combine your porn-star/pirate/Iceman/Darby O’Bill fantasies, your time has finally come.

Oh, and here’s a closeup of her (the pink version) making a 100% Medical Grade Cyber-skin “kissy face”:

In truth, this “Booty Stroker” does indeed have two very tiny, super stretchy orifices (above and below, so to speak), which leads me to quickly conclude what the intended application just might be. But I’d rather not go there, and instead I’d suggest this “Extremely detailed design”, and “Super-realistic soft & tight” toy might make a great cover for your gear shift. Er, no. Finger puppet? Crap. Is there ANY nonsexual application I can suggest that doesn’t sound like a double entendre? Hood ornament? I give up.

Well, guess what? The toys are now released, and they’re not quite what I’d envisioned. It seems that “adult” toys sometimes don’t mean action figures for grownups, but rather something quite different. To get an idea of what I’m talking about, check out this picture, but don’t click it if you shouldn’t (that means you, kiddies!)

There’s more – you can view them for yourselves at fine adult establishments everywhere. Adam&Eve, for example, has a wide selection of piratey naughty toys, just run a search for “pirate.”

I’m still putting 2008 on my checks, and here comes the 2010 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar. How the time flies.

I’ve reviewed the previous three incarnations of this calendar, so feel free to read those reviews if you *really* need an explanation of just what a “hot pirate babes” calendar contains. The rest of us, however, shall jump into the nuts and bolts of the matter and consider just what 2010 appears to have in store.

As with other years, the 2010 calendar features a range of pirate babes, some of whom hit the “hot” mark with more grace than others. Five months, in fact, offer babes of reasonably passable hotness. February brings us a gypsy gal for those who prefer their girls to exercise a little modesty (in the face, if not exactly elsewhere), while April offers a “cossack adventurer” babe who sports a fine, original outfit to accompany a somewhat sour facial expression. This hot-if-cranky babe also boasts the remarkable skill of wearing stiletto heels on a sandy beach without falling over backwards – a feat shared by many of her 2010 cohorts. July, August, and September also feature very decent hot pirate babes, although Miss September needs to learn that a cravat is *not* a suitable below-the-waist undergarment (imagine a modern hot babe wearing a necktie for a pantie – not a great move.) August, however, features a gal straight from the hot pirate blond bombshell school of preference, while July offers something for those who prefer a lady that can actually look tough-yet-sexy – not the easiest balance, surely.

2010 does have three ladies who sadly miss the mark – not necessarily through an inherent lack of hotness, but due to strange posing or apparent discomfort in front of the camera. Miss May clenches a dagger between her teeth and bends towards the viewer for no apparent motivation save showing off her respectable cleavage, while Miss October just seems entirely lost and lopsided (seriously, the lighting makes one boob appear four times larger than the other.) Plus, being as the fashion is half the fun of this calendar, it’s a shame that her sparse clothing is lost in shadow and pretty much unrecognizable. Our final not-so-hot babe is Miss December, who is decked up and posing as a British Guard. Not only does she repeat Miss Septembers cravat offense, but her utter lack of clothing combined with soldier’s pose makes me feel less inclined to woo her and more to just feel bad for the poor girl who forgot to get fully dressed before going to work. Seriously, get the poor girl some pants.

Having addressed the decent and the regrettable, let’s now focus on those who go above and beyond. 2010 boasts four such beauties, beginning promptly with Miss January. While her top is a bit posed in that it clearly is meant to leave her left boob exposed (only to be safely covered by her baldric), she nonetheless sports a fun hat, sexy demeanor with blowing hair, and a lit grenado – so who’s to argue with that? Miss March is just cute as a button, not only for her fun clothes and bubblydisposition, but she’s also clearly trying to look sexy without falling over – it’s endearing, in its way, and any bloke should count himself lucky to find a pirate babe so eager to please even while off her balance.

Miss June brings a touch of the exotic manifest in the form of a tribal warrior woman. She looks mighty fierce, but the native gods clearly spared no expense in crafting her pleasing form – I just fear she’d kill me seven times over before I could overcome the language barrier. Our last stellar babes of the year are the pair of Miss Septembers. Clearly inspired by the dockside harlots from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, they are plenty easy on the eyes, and their come-hither looks are a refreshing break from the many hot pirate babes who clearly mean us harm (although the redhead seems strangely reminiscent of the 1950′s – I don’t know, maybe it’s the hair.)

Speaking of facial expressions, let’s check out the famous Hot Pirate Babes Facial Expression Tally:

As you can see, it’s a good year for those who enjoy aggressive women. However, I’m happy to note that most of the “Let’s Fight” girls manage to achieve their fierce expressions without resorting to the open-mouth scowls of earlier years – they manage to strike a much better “angry yet sexy” balance. “Let’s Party” has fallen right off the charts this year, and while some might argue that Miss March’s hoisting of a bottle of rum indicates a festive mood, my finely-honed skills tell me that the rum is only the means to an end in her mind, and that she has much more “devious” intentions. “Let’s Flirt” took an extreme drop from six in 2009 to only 2 in 2010, but the “Let’s …” jumped from zero to three. So all told, 2010 is definitely the year for aggressive women, be they warlike or, er, lusty. In short, watch yer backs, lads, it’s gonna be an exciting ride.

The priest intends to visit the statue often “to pray for its removal”? Sure – we believe that. Stop hiding behind your principles and take a page from this lads book – buxom pirate lass statues were put on this earth to be embraced, not cursed!

Thanks to Michael D. for this one!

www.piratesxxx.com

Following its release in 2006, Pirates: A Joone Film made movie history. Not only was it the highest budgeted adult film ever, but it was also the first to cross over into mainstream cinema. By cutting the bulk of the sex scenes to establish an R rating, the remaining film was still highly enjoyable – a feature in stark contrast to the adult film stereotype, and certainly a commendable achievement.

Like its presumed inspiration, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates: A Joone Film was a daunting undertaking that was successfully achieved thanks to the “outside of the box” thinking of the production crew, writers, and direction. And also like the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Pirates: A Joone Film’s sequel, Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge managed to fall into a common trap – namely production value over plot.

Now, before I delve, you may find yourself instinctively defending Pirates 2 on the basis that it’s an adult film and therefore the plot is secondary. To this I would offer that director Joone, by so successfully creating a “real” movie with his previous pirate film, has transcended the mere stag film genre, and it’s therefore appropriate to evaluate Pirates 2 accordingly, for better or worse.

First let’s address the good. Pirates 2 LOOKS great, no doubt. The ships and ship battles are decent, as are the two monsters – one a giant worm-like thing, and the other a long-necked, tentacled sea monster of some kind. The towns up close look good, but from a distance – as when we see a shot from the sea – they look absolutely astounding. The effects guys really did a bang up job, and that’s even before we see a single animated skeleton (of which we’re treated to towards the end.) The costumes are also of a high quality – hardly reenactor approved, mind you, but still fine work. And general film quality – a necessary factor to mention when dealing with adult films – is again first rate. Lighting and audio are excellent, and it’s easy at times to forget you’re not watching a mainstream B movie.

So what’s not so good? Regrettably, much what was so perfect in the first film fell flat in the second. Where the characters in Pirates 1 were fresh and witty, in 2 they’ve fallen victim to their own stereotypes. Captain Reynolds does have some fun moments of vanity (such as when he insists the Governor share the name of his tailor, or when he recounts his original defeat of Stagnetti, complete with dramatic swishes of his own hair), but all too often he’s mired in the same insecurities from the first film which by this point have gotten tedious. His naivete has also gotten repetitious; while his innocent misinterpretation of First Mate Jules’ sexual exploits in the first film as being “bible study” was endearingly funny, his making the same mistake with passenger Ai Chow – this time assuming massage therapy – feels entirely dippy and “been there, done that.” Ai Chow, for that matter, is cute as a button – until she opens her mouth and speaks with the sort of annoyingly stereotypical Chinese accent (I rove you rong time) that hasn’t been in comedic vogue in decades.

The story itself is more convoluted than was the first. In an effort to gain a King’s pardon for the estranged Serena – the heartachingly gorgeous piratess from the first film – Reynolds and Jules agree to retreave a special pearl that has been stolen by the Chinese pirate lady Xifeng. Accompanying them is Serena’s cousin, Olivia, who attempts to recreate Serena’s tough-as-nails persona. But instead her smug attitude and condescending eyes just come across as bitchy. Xifeng, however, is a breath of exotic air. Dark, sinister, and evil, she would really make for a fine villain in any pirate flick – adult or otherwise. That she can deliver a spoken line without making you cringe (a quality not entirely shared by the other female leads of this film) only adds to her appeal.

Their pursuit of the stolen pearl leads Reynolds and Jules to a pirate island which mainly serves as an opportunity for several sex scenes and the reintroduction of Marco – the whiny, clingy dude from the first film who we last saw curled up in the fetal position sobbing like an infant. Marco’s role is larger in this film – and somewhat less whiny. Although it’s also largely unnecessary, and siphons precious time from a story that’s already overly compacted to make room for the many, many sex scenes.

(I suppose it’s only fair to remember that this film walks a fine line. By achieving “mainstream” status, it’s indeed fair to judge it on plot, acting, scenery, etc. But lest we forget, it is still an adult film, and will therefore have a primary audience expecting plenty of skin and moaning – even if it’s at the expence of the film’s other potential merits.)

The island visit is concluded with Jules turning evil (due to hypnosis, more or less), and Reynolds nearly being devoured by a giant cave worm before it’s artfully dispatched by Olivia. Reynolds and Olivia then join up with Maria, being Serena’s sister (it seems we’re slowly accumulating Serena’s entire family – the female half at least) who again shares some of Serena’s fine qualities (this time it’s the eyes and the dreadlocks) but still comes up short in the believable-tough-chick department.

The crew sails off to find Xifeng, who’s busy resurrecting Stagenetti. Stagnetti’s appearance seems rather late-game for a movie that boasts his own name in the title – he has just enough time to get “reacquainted” with Xifeng (and with the help of Jules, mind you) before they’re caught up with by our heroes. There’s a battle, there are skeletons, there’s a pretty cool sea monster that’s all too easily eliminated – actually, there’s a whole lot of neat stuff that happens, albeit all of it very very quickly (gotta save time for the sex, mind you.)

Upon the adventure’s conclusion – which sets itself up for another sequel – Reynolds has a mind to return to Port Royal to claim Serena’s pardon. Fortunately he’s dissuaded from doing so just yet by Olivia and Maria. I say fortunately not only because of the manner by which they convince him, but because he seems to have forgotten that Serena’s pardon was predicated on the retrieval of the missing pearl. You forgot about that part, didn’t you? Well, apparently so did Reynolds. And the writers. It’s this sort of major plot inconsistency that makes me sad; all the talent and tools are here for a really fun, fantastic pirate film – if only the plot hadn’t been left in the wake.

All told, Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge, for all its glory and spectacle, falls short of its predecessor. It still runs circles around your average feature porn (not that I would know about such things), but it seems bogged down by a script split three ways. First is the many, many sex scenes which seem driven by quantity over quality, most of them edited down to the point of being awkward and jerky to watch. The second is the introduction of new and interesting material such as Xifeng, underwater ruins, and sea monsters – each of which is regrettably under-utilized, and gone before being put to full effect. And the third being the rehashing of material that worked in the first film (repeated jokes, revisiting characters simply for the sake of doing so, and multiple references to Serena, who no matter how may siblings you introduce simply can’t be replaced, so it would be better to move on to new original characters.)

Measured simply as an adult film, Pirates 2 – like Pirates 1 – is a marvel in production value. On paper it has all the right stuff to follow in Pirates 1′s path to bridge the gab between adult and mainstream cinema. But sadly it fails to entirely live up to its own potential, and remains on the high-end adult film side of the spectrum without successfully achieving the standards for a sexually-charged B movie.

Nice try, I guess. But I’m not as impressed as I wish I were.

So here it is mates – the review you’ve come to look forward to this time each year. The temperatures may drop, the leaves may fall, and the breeze up your slops may have a bit more bite to it than you generally prefer. But at least we have one thing to look forward to – meeting the 12 pirate babes with whom we’ll be sharing the coming year.

If you’re like me (and I know you are) then you view this time with anticipation and trepidation alike. After all, it’s not every day we learn what sort of lasses will be staring at us from our wall for the next twelve months, and I already know I’ll like some more than others (which is always awkward.) Take 2008, for example. Calendar-wise I’d say it was a pretty good year, although I never could come to terms with Ms. July’s over-eager grin – I just *knew* she’d slipped something in that mug she was holding up. And Ms. September left me feeling mighty uncomfortable and fearful for 30 long days. May and June, however, could have gone on forever, for all I cared. But this is the crux of the Hot Pirate Babes – artist and photographer Tiger Lee has generously invested his year scouring the ends of the Earth to select for our enjoyment 12 pirate beauties – some being women of action, others of mystery, and still others of, well, you know. It’s like having your very own harem selected on your behalf by a guy you’ve never met. And being as tastes can so widely vary from one bloke to another, we can only hope he knows what he’s doing. So let’s take a look and find out…

To start with, if you’re already familiar with Hot Pirate Babes 2007 and 2008, then it should come as no surprise that 2009 again features a hot pirate babe each month posing against artistically enhanced backgrounds (some cynics might point out that the backgrounds aren’t the only things “enhanced”, but they’re just haters.) It’s a tried and true method, and one that we shouldn’t expect to see change any time soon, although Tiger Lee has thrown us a curveball in November with a pair of babes sharing a single month. But this small deviation aside, this new calendar remains true to its roots as a monthly tome of pirate hotness.

Moving on to the very important HPBFET, in which we explore the aggression levels of 2009′s Hot Pirate Babes compared to the Babes of years past, we do find some surprising shifts in course: 

For those of you who enjoy a fiesty lass who’d as soon split your gizzard as wink at you, you’re in luck. After a significant drop from ’07 to ’08 in the “Let’s Fight” category, 2009 sees a slight increase to 4 women who’ll likely seek to spill your guts during their month-long reign. “Let’s Party” has more or less maintained its ground, while ”Let’s Flirt” continues its slow but steady climb upward. And yet, the truly frisky lasses of “Let’s…” seem to have gone missing entirely. All this said, I should point out that the snarls of 2007 are still happily behind us. Rather, most of the “Let’s Fight” gals sport a more quietly sinister expression, which I find vastly preferable to the teeth-baring we’ve seen in the past. Indeed, many times the difference between “Let’s Fight” and “Let’s Flirt” is only noticeable by careful reading of the eyes. But don’t worry, I’m an expert in looking past the weapons in a woman’s hands to determine what’s actually on her mind – and I would never lead you astray.

Tooth-baring aside, there are still a few uneasy expressions in the bunch. June and September are both a bit awkward, and May seems to be in the midst of catching flies. But Ms. May makes up for this by sporting no more than a moderately sized belt covering her nethers, a fashion trend shared by her shipmates in January and August, who use mere sashes and baldrics to similar commendable effect.

The Hot Pirate Babes 2007 Calendar was a fine idea and an adequate final product. 2008 saw definite improvement in several respect regarding attire, poses, facial expressions, and overall artistry. 2009 looks to be quite on par with ’08. And while the aforementioned June, September, and May might lack a certain polish, these months are vastly counterbalanced by the likes January, February, August, October, November, and December, which are each fine examples of what – with the proper artistic direction - a Hot Pirate Babe can truly be.

View a teaser at www.digitalplayground.com/mov/pirates2teaser.html. Don’t worry, it’s just a skeleton in a storm, so nothing naughty yet.