September 10th – National Read Naked Like a Pirate Girl Day

That’s right, September 19th isn’t the ONLY pirate holiday month, at least not if you live in Chicago where you can watch girls read like naked pirates. Actually, I’m not sure what that means exactly, but bully to them for getting creative. And naked. Arrr…

Talk Like a Pirate Day, as we all know, is the glorious brainchild of Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket. Talk Like a Pirate Day Month however, is Bilgemunky’s own humble extension. And note that it’s not Talk Like a Pirate Month I’m suggesting, which would indicate a whole month of talking like a pirate, but rather Talk Like a Pirate Day Month, meaning one day of celebrating pirates by talking like a pirate, and a full month celebrating the existence of Talk Like a Pirate Day, probably also by talking like pirates. Or drinking rum. Or finding Slappy and/or Chumbucket and buying them drinks. Or groceries.

Whether you celebrate piracy this weekend or not… scratch that – you SHOULD be celebrating piracy this weekend, regardless of whether there’s any merit to this whole May 9th thing. So sayeth we.

I haven’t really explored Facebook as yet – and not only because of the copyright debaucle they’ve had of late (although that didn’t help.) But this definitely sounds intriguing – especially for those of you what ne’er git tarrred of readin’ pirate talk, n’matter ‘ow bloody ‘ard it be ta understands!

Apprecerations ta Tad fer sightin’ this one fer us! Yarrr!!!

I’m going to just lay it out there – I did not expect to like this book. Why not? Because I’m biased. I think Jack Sparrow has become the lazy man’s jolly roger – a way to ride Disney’s coat tails to try and siphon off a little of their merchandising power. So combine this book’s Jack Sparrow lookalike on the cover with the fact that lexicons of nautical terms already exist (very few of which make for an interesting read) and you can see why I assumed it might be garbage.

And so it was to my happy surprise that How to Speak Pirate: A Treasure Chest of Seafaring Slang turned out to be not merely decent, but actually quite brilliant in its own right. The secret? As is so often the case it’s the ever elusive thing I like to call “good writing.” You’d be amazed at the difference it can make.

Geordie Telfer offers us multiple chapters on how to speak pirate in different situations – work, romantic, dining, etc. Notice that these are lessons in how to “speak pirate,” and not “how to speak like an authentic 18th Century sea maurauder from Sussex.” To the contrary, this book rejoices in its use of Hollywood slang, fictional pirate talk, and even things simply made up by the author that do indeed “sound piratey” to the modern ear. This is the first step in making this a fun and interesting read. The second step is the humor. Rather than trusting the odd subject matter to be entertainment in and of itself, Telfer offers a healthy dose of wit throughout. But what’s more, he’s also well aware that speaking pirate is a generally a geeky thing to do, and makes good use of this fact to good-natured comedic effect.

The third step in making How to Speak Pirate such a worthy read is truly the genius stroke – Telfer not only preaches the subject, but he practices. In the practical lessons, pirate speak is used selectively as part of the common dialogue, and in the lexicon segment many definitions themselves involve pirate speak. This makes for an entry level “full emmersion” experience. I’m told that full emmersion is the best way to learn a foreign language, and it would seem equally so when speaking pirate.

While there are multiple books on talking like a pirate available, for me only one has truly and properly tackled the subject, that being The Pirate Primer by George Choundas (ironically, The Pirate Guys’ books, being founders of Talk Like a Pirate Day, don’t make the cut as they focus far more on living like a pirate than simply talking like one.) But where Choundas’ work is a scholarly wonder, Telfer’s is an entertaining one. But despite their differences in approach to this worthy subject, both deserve to be placed side-by-side each other on the shelf of anyone who truly wishes to learn to talk the talk.

Note: I’ve decided to close comments from this review. Aside from “How to Speak Pirate”, Geordie Telfer, has also written a book called “Real Canadian Pirates.” It appears that there is some amount of controversy regarding his conclusions in that previous book, and readers have seen fit to begin debating these issues in the comments of this review. The only problem is, this isn’t a review of “Real Canadian Pirates”, and I consider it unfair to Mr. Telfer to expect him to defend a work entirely unrelated to the subject at hand. Additionally, I don’t believe that any questions regarding Mr. Telfer’s competence as a historical scholar have any bearing on a review of “How to Speak Pirate”, which is far more based on humor and pop-culture.

My sister-in-law is a nurse. For those of you readers who prefer visuals to help in all matters, she’s the redhead posing on the Bilgemunky Swag page. But do bear in mind that if you just now went to the swag page to sneak a peak, you’re morally obligated to buy a shirt. I’m just sayin’.

Anyways, my sister-in-law is a nurse. And the problem with nurses in the family is they have this thing – it’s called “wellness.” The concept behind wellness is that you’re supposed to think about your health all the time. You’re supposed to eat healthy, exercise regularly, and try not to put any crap into your system – i.e. anything fun. Proponents of wellness fail to grasp that the whole point of an annual checkup is so that you don’t have to think about these things the other 364 days of the year. It seems these people think that getting poked and prodded by someone with an “M.D” after their name one day each year is no longer enough, and that all matters regarding our health should somehow infiltrate the rest of our lives. It’s a right crying shame, if you ask me.

Which brings us to The Pirate Guys. They did a good thing, and none can dispute (and those that do won’t be long of this world), in bringing us Talk Like a Pirate Day each September 19th. But much like the nurses who’ve forgotten the points of annual checkups, priests who’ve forgotten the point of confession, and the green movement, The Pirate Guys now seem to think talking like a pirate one day a year is no longer enough, and that it’s now time we begin to eat like pirates, date like pirates, exercise like pirates, vote like pirates, and so forth.

Actually, I shouldn’t be so cynical. Because unlike eating fresh vegetables, avoiding playful spaniard-gutting, or re-using your toilet-paper, acting like a pirate 24/7 might actually make the world a better place. And if not, it will at least make it a lot more fun. And fun, of course, is at the heart of The Pirate Life. From the restructuring of the food triangle into the “Perverted Polygon of Piratical Provender” to psycological explanations of how to become “piractualized”, it’s first and formost all about having a good, swashbuckling time.

Like The Pirate Guys’ previous works, The Pirate Life is sometimes clever, sometimes goofy, sometimes right-on-the-mark, and occasionally in left field (I mean, there’s no way that a non-pirattitudely-enfused teen skateboarder is on the same level of coolness as a pirattitudely-enfused ninja assassin. If such a being were scientifically possible, which it’s not, it would blow an average teen skateboarder out of orbit.) Most of the chapters stick with the “self-help” sort of format, while at other times it’s more about observing common realities of life through a pirate lense. And just occasionally, it strays into odd but humorous tangents, like when The Pirate Guys delve into what sort of television shows they’d create if given the opportunity. Such excursions can be amusing, but really – what are we supposed to learn from this? How is it in any way preparing us for a piratically-driven life? But soon enough the course is corrected and the book returns to more helpful topics such as the evaluation of one’s own stench, or scaring your daughter’s suitors with a pitchfork.

The Pirate Guys’ prior book, Pirattitude, was geared towards the overt aspects of being a pirate – talking, dressing, and knowing your pirate zodiac sign. This book takes the next step and examines the finer details of incorporating piracy into the daily practice of your being. And while I fear the idea of a third book with naught left to explore but the dubious concept of pirate nirvana, these first two works are definite must-haves for any working-joe-sixpack who wishes to transition his or her typically dull life into one of high adventure and lighthearted roguery.

HAH! Today Google, tomorrow… the world! Actually, the smart thing to do would be to wait a few months and let Google take over the world, and then fell both in one swoop. But I’m impatient.

Yes, Google has acknowledged “Pirate” as an official language, right up there with Japanese and Swahili. And therefore you can now set Google to use proper Pirate when addressing you. Check it out – I ain’t kiddin’.

Oh yeah, and happy TLAPD! If you don’t know what TLAPD stands for, then I’ve no time fer ya lubbers.

What you won’t read here:

1) Keira Knightly done with PotC – No kidding. Her story arc is over, and it’s highly unlikely we’ll see any more of Elizabeth Swann. That said, it’s too early to know anything about anything about PotC 4, which makes all “news” at this time actually pointless gossip.

2) Talk Like a Pirate Day is coming – Again, no kidding. But to be fair, maybe not all readers know this (hint, it’s September 19th, and you can read all about it.) But just the same, I’m not going to link to every newspaper that has a story about “brush up on your pirate lingo” or “prepare to say ARRRR this Saturday”, etc. etc.

3) Modern pirates have taken hostages, raided a ship, etc. – There’s nothing fun or romantic about modern piracy. So I’m not gonna promote it here.

4) Johnny Depp is doing something – This one’s actually a pet peeve of mine. If you want to be a Johnny Depp fan, fine. But this isn’t a Johnny Depp site, and unless what he’s doing has something to do with pirates, then Depp news is not pirate news. Willy Wonka ain’t a pirate, nor is Sweeny Todd. Edward Scissorhand’s off the chart entirely. Maybe you could make a case for the dude he played in “Blow”, but then see #3 above.

So there you have it – a few things you’re not going to find here. Just thought you should know.

Talk Like a Pirate Day is fast approaching (September 19th, if you didn’t know), and I expect you all to celebrate accordingly. But shirts like this remind us that while TLAPD is only once a year, we still have 364 more days to enjoy our rum!

Talking like a pirate is the bane of my existence. As someone generally recognized as a guy who’s “really, really into pirates”, as the host of a fairly sizeable annual Talk Like a Pirate Day Party, and as DJ of a weekly pirate-themed radio show, folks pretty much expect me to “talk the talk.” Problem is, I generally don’t.

The core element to what’s widely regarding as “pirate talk” is essentially a mix of gutteral throat scratching combined with maritime words and a shameless knack for “hamming it up.” But sadly, I’m not by nature a ham. What’s more, common pirate impersonations don’t work well on the conversational level, as everything must be an enthusiastic exclamation. This may work fine at parties or festivals, but if you need to actually convey detailed information (as pirates surely did from time to time,) then one needs to find a way to actually – not yell, not growl, not utter – but yes, TALK like a pirate. Easier said than done, in my book.

Fortunately for us all, it’s not my book that’s being reviewed (actually, I have no book. The book I refer to in the previous paragraph is merely a figure of speech. Sorry to disappoint), but rather the much more helpful Pirate Primer: Mastering the Language of Swashbucklers and Rogues by George Choundas.

In the broadest sense, there are two ways to talk like a pirate. The first is much in line with my above descriptions – the alpha-personality, gutteral, slightly-constipated sounding sort of hearty bellows well suited to barbecues, parties, or picking up chicks at pirate bars. Books have been written on this, and The Pirate Guys – founders of International Talk Like a Pirate Day – have turned this method of speech into high art. But as stated, it’s not for everyone, nor all situations.

The second way to talk like a pirate – and the one addressed in this very book – is more involved. It’s much more difficult to master and requires considerable study and practice, but is by far the more authentic and versatile in the end (and less obnoxious over an extended period of time.) It involves the careful application of dialect mixed with pirate slang and a sort of sentence restructuring dubbed by the author as “wrong talk.” More on that shortly.

This book is a whopping 470 pages, and is layed out for reference more so than beginning-to-end reading. The lion’s share of this tome lies in Part I: What to Say. Broken down into sections based on usage (greetings, threats, oaths, toasts, contractions, etc.), it consists of thousands of words and phrases, their meanings, suggested various pronunciations, and an example quote from historical, literary, or cinema sources.

The second, smaller half of the book, Part II: How to Say It, tutors the reader in the finer arts of dropping vowels, double and triple negatives, repetitions, and all the other structural sins one must embrace in order to sound like a pirate, fair and true. This also be wheres the subject of wrong talk be addressed, it is. And accordings ta Choundas hisself, ye must master this ‘ere art if ya ever hope ta ring yer clapper like a pirate, or devil take ya fer a spaniard!

Throughout, The Pirate Primer maintains a human, conversational tone. Even though it’s structured like a dictionary, it would be no great challenge to read each section beginning to end like a novel. But therein lies the crux, as reading this book – or any other book for that matter – could never be enough to make you talk like a pirate. Purchasing The Pirate Primer (something you really, really should do if you have an interest in learning this remarkable skill) is only the first tiny step in a very long road. Personally, I think I’ll need to purchase two more copies – one for the car during traffic, one in the bathroom, and my current copy by my bed. Read a small segment each day, and try to use it in daily life – your friends and family will surely learn to hate you, but this too is the pirate way. And in time, you’ll begin to develop a true conversational pirate ability that will sound remarkably authentic, culturally rich, and swaggeringly disrespectful. And the next time your buddy is looking sleepy at a pirate party, you can yell, “Smite me fer a guppy, thar be more life in me little finger than in all yer carcass!”, which will surely leave all witnesses speechless and awe-struck.