True story: My 2012 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar was hand-delivered to me by Caribbean Pearl (2011 calendar girl, ongoing pirate celebrity, and associate of Tiger Lee). I took a quick look at the cover and said something along the lines of, “cute cover girl this year.” Pearl raised an eyebrow at me, covered the image’s heaving cleavage with her hand and asked, “what do you think of her now?”

I reexamined the 2012 cover girl that I’d just complimented, and my smile quickly turned to one of shock. “Oh my god,” I cried, “She looks 15*! And spiteful!”

Pearl smiled at me sympathetically.

I share this story because it brings to light an important, if oft overlooked, benefit of hanging a Hot Pirate Babe calendar on your wall. As pirate enthusiasts, many of us attend several pirate festivals throughout the year. Also in attendance, likely as not, is cleavage. Lots and lots of cleavage. It can be overwhelming, and even a little dangerous, because cleavage can sometimes (usually) distract the onlooker from what lurks beyond the cleavage – namely a woman’s inner beauty/crazy/intellect/spitefulness, as the case may be. And this leads us to the true benefit of this calendar. 12 months of pirate hotness, always accompanied by heaving cleavage. As with a tetanus shot, this repeated low-dosage exposure can galvanize your immune system, thereby making you less vulnerable to the real thing. It’s a theory, anyway.

In past years I’ve done a detailed, month-by-month comparison of the girls – which ones are sexiest (June and October), which ones are angriest (March), which ones are good at winking (August), and which ones aren’t (September). But this year it feels rather unnecessary – you already know if you want this calendar, and all I need do is assure you it maintains master photographer Tiger Lee’s historical standards for capturing female pirate hotness in its many and varied forms (which it most certainly does.)

So yes, consider yourself assured that fans of previous Hot Pirate Babes can look forward to another year of the piratey hotness you’ve come to expect. And if you’re a reader who’s currently saying, “Hot Pirate Babes Calendar? I never knew such a think existed! But should I really purchase such a thing in a down economy?” then just remember that you’re not only getting an awesome calendar, you’re also building a mighty fortress in your heart and mind against the powers of cleavage throughout 2012 – and can you really put a price tag on that?

*”looks” being the operative word – all of the Hot Pirate Babes are 18+

Saturday morning concluded with a parade and pirate battle. This is a shot of Team Edward facing off against Team Jacob. It was messy.

While the St. Augustine Pirate Gathering is itself a two day festival held in a park just off-side from the historic district, things began semi-officially on Friday evening with a pub crawl through the taverns of the Spanish Quarter. I arrived just in time, but neglected to grab my camera and therefore don’t have pictures of the hordes of pirate-garbed crawlers. It’s a shame, too, because the sheer mass of pirates defies words, and indeed seemed to go on forever – a couple of hundred scoundrels, I would venture. I tagged along to the first bar, which was woefully unprepared for such an influx of pirates, although they did their level best. So too did the bar’s distinctly non-pirate singer, who made every effort to start throwing some “yarrrs” into his songs, much to the delight of his new, heavily armed audience. It was shaping up to be a fine start to the weekend, but being as I’d only just arrived I opted to cut my own participation short and call it a night.

Saturday morning saw the festival grounds fully decorated, and vendors making their last minute preparations. As the Festival DJ, I was stationed near the entrance so as to keep the pirate tunes flowing throughout the day. I did, however, manage to sneak away now and then (otherwise, how could I talk about the festival, eh?) The grounds were primarily taken up by vendors. A few were friends I’ve known from other festivals – No Quarter Given was there, promoting their new book The Book of Pirates. Tiger Lee of Hot Pirate Babes and Pirate Fashions N Fotos was selling garb and calendars, along with his lovely associate Caribbean Pearl. And then we had Robin St. Graves of “Acts of Piracy” selling his own swords, belt buckles, and other piratey bronzework. There were also many other vendors, with goods ranging from tropical signage to pirate and colonial miscellany (telescopes, keys, dining ware, etc.) The shopping was actually quite decent, and whether you were looking to get a start on a properly historical pirate ensemble, or to acquire a new leather cat-o-nine tails, there was plenty to choose from.

Before you criticize these nuns for smoking cigarettes, bear in mind it's only because they'd run out of cigars.

The far end of the festival held the beer tent, with entertainment throughout the day by The Brigands, Rusty Cutlass, and Nun for the Road (that’s right, a comedy group of singing nuns.) Nuns don’t often come to mind when I think of likely pirate entertainment, but in a town with such strong Spanish-Catholic roots as St. Augustine they seemed remarkably appropriate. The beer tent was also the location of the festival’s costume contests, raffles, and other goings on. However, entertainment could also be found elsewhere on the grounds, with Faire Wynds wowing the crowd with everything from magic to “singing” wine glasses, and For Love or Money bringing their sea music to any and every corner of the festival now and again. There were also performers from Pirates Dinner Adventure, who not only brought their skills at entertaining crowds, but also their own mobile pirate ship (actually, several folks brought their own ships to this festival. Why don’t *I* have a pirate ship on wheels to take with me? Oh yeah, I’m in Wisconsin ) And I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention the festival’s “surprise” entertainer, Skip Henderson, who popped in unexpectedly, ready to share his classic sea shanties everywhere from the No Quarter Given booth to my own DJ booth – definitely an unexpected treat.

The crew from Pirates Dinner Adventure strut their stuff from the deck of their mobile pirate ship. Yeah, most ships are mobile, but this one travels on land. Like a land boat. Yar.

Saturday’s crowds started slowly, but quickly picked up numbers as noon rolled around, and the festival spent the better part of the day truly bustling. Saturday evening, however, saw the public depart and make way for the Buccaneer’s Bash, thus allowing us pirates to be amongst our own. Dinner was catered, and although some last-minute difficulties saw it be a little later than expected, the meal of pork, corn, and potatoes seemed quite appropriate for a bunch of hungry pirates. Entertainment was again provided by The Brigands, who were finally able to let loose some of their ‘A’ material (meaning not family appropriate), along with Nun For the Road. Also in attendance was the St. Augustine Royal Family who, as I understand it, can indeed trace their roots to Spanish nobility. They were scheduled to give out Letters of Marque that night, but I somehow missed this part of the festivities – maybe I was too deep in my cups at that point, or maybe it happened before I arrived. Either way, I missed it, and therefore can assure my dear readers that I have NOT been granted a letter of Marque, and am indeed still a free and independent pirate

The Bash concluded with more music from the Brigands, and some increasingly raucous dancing amongst the brethren. At the Bash’s conclusion, several of us swung by Tiger Lee’s Pirate Fashons Shop/Studio for a quick tour (a definite MUST SEE if you’re in the area), and then on to the pirate encampment a short walk away where the debauchery continued ’til the wee hours.

There was plenty to drink aboard the Black Raven, but not much to eat. Caribbean Pearl remembered her zombie training though and feasted on Spike's BRAINS.

Sunday the festival began much like Saturday had, albeit with most pirates boasting a little less spring in their step. The sunny weather and fresh-faced patrons soon wiped away any option of napping the day away, though, and before long things were again in full swing. Sunday afternoon things wound down, with several of the vendors packing up a bit earlier than would seem proper, getting ready to bug out at the festival’s conclusion. However, thanks to Captain Mayhem of The Black Raven, hardcore pirate enthusiasts had the chance to make one last go of things with an evening pirate cruise. Mayhem, Blackbeard and company played host to the mostly pirate audience (with a few civilians who seemed unsure of being so wildly outnumbered), entertaining us with magic, jokes, songs, and frequent encouragement to visit the bar. It was an excellent way to conclude the weekend, and if they make the cruise an annual event I’d highly encourage any and all pirates to join in.

The St. Augustine Pirate Gathering definitely has a good thing going. They have incredibly support from local pirates, a great location, and some fine entertainment. I had a great time DJing the entrance, which was the first time I’d been used in such an ongoing, “background” sort of capacity, but thanks to frequent visitors from listeners the days really flew by. And the evenings – well, those are the parts of any festival that make it truly worthwhile for the diehard pirates, and the Gathering provided three very memorable evenings all in a row!

www.hotpiratebabes.com

Now entering its fifth year, the Hot Pirate Babes Calendar has become a mainstay within the pirate community. Indeed, there’s a special place on my office wall that just wouldn’t be the same if it didn’t have a fetching pirate lass – be she angry or inviting – staring at me throughout her 30(ish) day reign. 2011 is nearly upon us, so now’s the time to lock in your year of pirate hotness. If you want it to be a year of surprises, then read no further as I will now engage in my annual ritual of evaluating these lasses’ varying degrees of pirateyness, combativeness, and – indeed – hotness.

January begins the year with a strong baseline. “Coastal Beauty” isn’t so much a remarkable or terribly creative photo as it is classic. The model boasts an “almost” functional pirate outfit (hardly historically accurate, but she might not catch her death at least) with weapons at the ready. Her steady face looks like she’s preparing to aim her flintlock – but what’s this? It’s not you she’s studying, but something over your left shoulder. Perhaps a villainous seagull, or god-forbid an airship pirate. Whatever is descending upon you, she’s about to make mincemeat, rest assured. February’s “Check Matie” takes a different approach, with its Sigourney Weaver lookalike model adopting a snarky expression just this side of mocking. Her attire falls somewhere between a strumpet and a circus performer (a sideshow doxie?), complete with the infamous crotch-cravat introduced in previous calendars. The slight awkwardness of February is followed by a different awkwardness in March. “Curvy Dunes” features a hot enough model, no doubt, but I’m afraid her Napoleon-esque uniform is wearing her – she just lacks the domineering presence of a four-foot tall French dictator. Not commonly a feature I look for in my pirate babes, but in this case it might have served her well. And there’s another of those damned cravats ;P

April’s “Dashin’ Doxie” returns us to the world of solidly lovely gals in outfits that might – might - not fly off in a light breeze (consider that a good thing or a bad thing according to your preferences.) But what makes this month stand out is that it’s more of an action shot than most. While many of the Hot Pirate Babes are clearly posing for the camera, Doxie is a snapshot of a pirate lass who’s just finished shooting one of your shipmates (and just might have one more bullet for you – hopefully you haven’t jilted her recently.) May’s “Bella Señora” bears all the qualities of Spanish seductress, save for the flintlock at her hip and the knife raised above her head. She’s a pleasant enough sight, although I don’t believe for a moment that she’s actually set on cutting me with her blade, which makes me to wonder why she doesn’t just put the damned thing away and hand me my drink already.

Throughout 2011, I’m afraid June will be one of the two weakest months. “Washed Ashore” is far too posed for my liking, and while her skin, hair, and clothing are drenched within an inch of their lives, her hat (a glorious hat, I’ll grant) seems bone dry. Between her appearance as flotsom, a shackled arm and defensive posture, this is clearly a picture meant to tell a story, if only it were a bit more cohesive. July picks up the slack though, as “Too Much Rum” (is there such a thing?) speaks clearly and concisely – this lady knows she’s a superstar, has plenty of rum, very few clothes, and she’s ready to have a good time. Correction: she’s already having one, and you’re free to join her or not – but she’s having a good time either way.

August, to my mind, will be the highlight of the 2011 Hot Pirate Babes year. “Fiddler Lass” seems to have it all – pirate music played just for you by a lass with the goods of a bombshell, but a face that maintains its own personality. That her chest is straining her corset to the limits of human comprehension doesn’t hurt either. September’s “Lookout” also features one of the year’s prettier gals, although in this case her calculating eyes make me feel she’s judging me (and I’m not sure I’m faring well in her estimation.) Her outfit appears another of the “almost feasible” sorts, although in this case it, and the lighting, are too dark to make out as much as I’d like.

October’s “Don’t Mess with Me” is far easier to see, featuring a lovely, curly haired piratess that reminds me very much of Madeline Kahn’s “Betty” in the pirate movie Yellowbeard. Cute enough, but I fear she seems to be planning the viewer’s rapid demise, so moving on to November, which is unfortunately the second of 2011′s weakest. This is primarily due to what I believe might be Tiger Lee’s white whale (I’m referring to a concept, and NOT November’s shapely model.) In short, “Fortress Guard” is an example of how Tiger has not yet captured the perfect uniformed hot pirate babe. From my viewpoint, what makes a hot pirate babe work is when there’s a certain level of feasibility, with ladies dressed in a manner that just maybe could be found in a shipboard, tavern, or brothel situation (however unlikely.) But women in uniform jackets, no pants, and bearing muskets in a “who goes there?” fashion – here is where my mind finds a disconnect. Why isn’t she wearing pants? And when did the British Army start to issue crotch cravats to their fortress guards? Perhaps I’m just too literal minded for my own good. But then, I’m not the one who forgot to wear pants to work.

The year then concludes much as it began – with a basic Hot Pirate Babe of the tried&true fashion. December’s “Camp Wench” hails from the blonde bombshell school of hotness, complete with the requisite revealing pirate attire and “come hither” eyes lined heavily in black. She’s a little posey, standing there with weapons that I’m not sure she has any idea how to use, but we’ll forgive her because, you know… hot.

You can order your Hot Pirate Babes Calendar from www.hotpiratebabes.com. If you don’t buy it now, you’ll forget, procrastinate until June, and then you’ll have missed half a year of pirate hotness. So do yourself a favor and place that order now.

So here it is mates – the review you’ve come to look forward to this time each year. The temperatures may drop, the leaves may fall, and the breeze up your slops may have a bit more bite to it than you generally prefer. But at least we have one thing to look forward to – meeting the 12 pirate babes with whom we’ll be sharing the coming year.

If you’re like me (and I know you are) then you view this time with anticipation and trepidation alike. After all, it’s not every day we learn what sort of lasses will be staring at us from our wall for the next twelve months, and I already know I’ll like some more than others (which is always awkward.) Take 2008, for example. Calendar-wise I’d say it was a pretty good year, although I never could come to terms with Ms. July’s over-eager grin – I just *knew* she’d slipped something in that mug she was holding up. And Ms. September left me feeling mighty uncomfortable and fearful for 30 long days. May and June, however, could have gone on forever, for all I cared. But this is the crux of the Hot Pirate Babes – artist and photographer Tiger Lee has generously invested his year scouring the ends of the Earth to select for our enjoyment 12 pirate beauties – some being women of action, others of mystery, and still others of, well, you know. It’s like having your very own harem selected on your behalf by a guy you’ve never met. And being as tastes can so widely vary from one bloke to another, we can only hope he knows what he’s doing. So let’s take a look and find out…

To start with, if you’re already familiar with Hot Pirate Babes 2007 and 2008, then it should come as no surprise that 2009 again features a hot pirate babe each month posing against artistically enhanced backgrounds (some cynics might point out that the backgrounds aren’t the only things “enhanced”, but they’re just haters.) It’s a tried and true method, and one that we shouldn’t expect to see change any time soon, although Tiger Lee has thrown us a curveball in November with a pair of babes sharing a single month. But this small deviation aside, this new calendar remains true to its roots as a monthly tome of pirate hotness.

Moving on to the very important HPBFET, in which we explore the aggression levels of 2009′s Hot Pirate Babes compared to the Babes of years past, we do find some surprising shifts in course: 

For those of you who enjoy a fiesty lass who’d as soon split your gizzard as wink at you, you’re in luck. After a significant drop from ’07 to ’08 in the “Let’s Fight” category, 2009 sees a slight increase to 4 women who’ll likely seek to spill your guts during their month-long reign. “Let’s Party” has more or less maintained its ground, while ”Let’s Flirt” continues its slow but steady climb upward. And yet, the truly frisky lasses of “Let’s…” seem to have gone missing entirely. All this said, I should point out that the snarls of 2007 are still happily behind us. Rather, most of the “Let’s Fight” gals sport a more quietly sinister expression, which I find vastly preferable to the teeth-baring we’ve seen in the past. Indeed, many times the difference between “Let’s Fight” and “Let’s Flirt” is only noticeable by careful reading of the eyes. But don’t worry, I’m an expert in looking past the weapons in a woman’s hands to determine what’s actually on her mind – and I would never lead you astray.

Tooth-baring aside, there are still a few uneasy expressions in the bunch. June and September are both a bit awkward, and May seems to be in the midst of catching flies. But Ms. May makes up for this by sporting no more than a moderately sized belt covering her nethers, a fashion trend shared by her shipmates in January and August, who use mere sashes and baldrics to similar commendable effect.

The Hot Pirate Babes 2007 Calendar was a fine idea and an adequate final product. 2008 saw definite improvement in several respect regarding attire, poses, facial expressions, and overall artistry. 2009 looks to be quite on par with ’08. And while the aforementioned June, September, and May might lack a certain polish, these months are vastly counterbalanced by the likes January, February, August, October, November, and December, which are each fine examples of what – with the proper artistic direction - a Hot Pirate Babe can truly be.

As if the year wasn’t going by fast enough, it seems that 2008 calendars are now on the market. It’s a notion I find frightening, but at least the 2008 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar is here to give us a more inviting taste of what’s in store for the coming year.

I’ve previously reviewed the 2007 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar, and I’m pleased to note that 2008 will carry forth in the fine precedent set – that being one of hot babes (appropriately enough) gussied up in pirate gear and holding pirate accessories in pirate settings and striking pirate poses. It’s a simple enough formula (at least on paper), and one that works rather well.

By and large, my 2007 review could almost verbatum apply to 2008. Tiger Lee’s creative artistry with merging women and artificial backgrounds into a single glorious image remains true to form. The costumes vary from the fancy to the battle-hardened, and from cortesans to captains (albeit babe captains.) As to the calendar itself, it too follows in 2007′s style of parchement-like visuals, complimented by modern holidays, pirate fun-facts and “today in history” type segments.

Normally reviewing an item as being “more of the same” would seem lackluster, but in this case it’s the height of praise. But there is one small differences between the years that I feel worth noting, and that would pertain to the “death snarls” I thoroughly addressed in my 2007 review. In the previous calendar, several of the girls sported facial expressions that seemed rather warlike – appropriate to the “pirate” end of things, perhaps, but possibly not in tune with the “hot babes” element, and certainly not the sort of looks a guy might hope to receive from a hot pirate babe staring at him from his wall for the duration of a month. 2008 indeed seems on the friendlier side, but let’s be analitcal about this so as to stay truly unbiased:

While it should be noted that not all the “Let’s Fight” girls were snarling (some actually look quite delighted at the prospect of dishing out violence), it’s plain that 2007 ranks high in the bloodthirst department. Whereas 2007 hosts a full six babes in the “I’m feeling stabby” camp, and a mere four on the flirt end of the spectrum, 2008 has five flirts, and as a special bonus, three more babes who look ready to do a tad more than flirt. So if you enjoy checking out Pirate Babes that appear ready to spill your intestines across the deck, 2008 regretably won’t be your year. But for the rest of us, things are definitely in an upswing.

Speaking of whether 2008 will be your year (at least from a Hot Pirate Babes perspective), there is one other group that has been sacrificed for the greater good – the foot fetishists. Indeed, whereas 2007 was almost entirely composed of whole-body shots, feet and all, 2008′s models are zoomed in a bit more. This results in loss of those glorious boots and toes, but does enable a somewhat closer experience with the Babes’ more northern assets. Just so ya know

Little more need be said. I like pirates. And I like babes, the hotter the better. If you concur, then the 2008 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar may give you one less reason to cry like a little girl when you realize January will be on you before you know it.

* Mathematicians will notice the 2008 tally only adds up to 11 babes. This is because Ms. December (who also happens to be the cover girl pictured with this review) wasn’t counted, as she bears an expression that is beyond my ability to read. Lust? Anger? Sleepiness? Arbee’s? I count myself stumped, and would welcome reader’s thoughts.

How many times have a bunch of blokes been sitting together and come up with the brilliant notion, “hey, we should make a calendar of hot pirate babes!” Without a doubt, the idea has been tossed about many a time. But for some reason it wasn’t until 2007 that someone actually took the project to task. And thus was born Tiger Lee’s “Hot Pirate Babes Calendar”, being the ultimate in aptly titled products this side of the Grand Canyon.

Hot Pirate Babes features 12 months of seagoing beauties – each of them armed. And while most are somewhat under-dressed for combat, many nonetheless sport combative snarles that make it clear they have something other than amore on their minds. I mention this point because it’s a subject that draws wildly different reactions from different viewers. The calendar’s cover, in fact, features a buxom blonde firing her pistol and bearing her pearly whites in a manner that says anything but “come hither.” (Unless, of course, it’s “come hither so I may gut you like a spaniard.”) In my own experience scorned women have proven best avoided, and aren’t something I would normally opt to pin to my wall (we’re talking calendars, remember.) Some of my mates, however, have clearly differed on this subject, and expressed that a warlike countenance can be quite the turn-on.

Each to their own, I suppose. But for those of us who find angry women to be of lesser appeal to the more “amicable” variety, we have three convincing reasons to embrace Hot Pirate Babes just the same:

1) Within the calendar itself, only four girls actually feature a combative visage. Eight others appear much more inviting, leaving the odds clearly in favor of those who prefer friendly hot pirate babes.

2) I’ve had a sneak-peak at the 2008 photos, and not only has the general hotness been amped up, but so has the “come hitherness” (without the spaniard gutting qualifier, in this case.)

and 3) If you don’t like snarles, nobody’s forcing you to look at their faces.

This last point can not be overstated, as these 12 pirate babes are indeed quite hot. Dressed (somewhat) in period attire and posing in an array of stances that convey anything from “have some rum” to “prepare to die.” But the beauty of these photos goes beyond the ladies themselves – any lubber can snap a few shots of a hot babe (we call them stalkers), but it takes a man of extraordinary talent to create the perfect photograph, and then to morph it into a piece of genuine art.

Tiger Lee has developed an extensive process whereby he merges his pirate babes into exotic backdrops. But this is no cut&paste hackjob – lighting and textures are seamlessly melded, transforming each image into a genuine masterpiece. No longer a studio photograph, each month seems to stradle the line between photo and painting to be truly eye-catching.

Regarding the calendar itself, it too is piratey and fun. Printed on a parchement-inspired image, major holidays are marked, as are significant dates in pirate history, ads from various piratey sponsors, and pirate-related fun-facts.

Hot Pirate Babes was an instant hit within the pirate community, and it’s no mystery why. Hot pirate babes – digitally captured and brought to their full potential through Tiger Lee’s artistry, is a sure winning combination. The result is a stunning calendar that’s sure to enhance cabin bulkhead or cubicle wall alike.

Note: Looking to be your own hot pirate babe (or bloke)? Tiger Lee Studios offers custom pirate photography.