I’m getting a little impatient regarding pirate movie rumors. For months there have been stories about a Captain Blood remake (in space) as well as a new Blackbeard movie. So far they both seem to be little more than gossip. And now, just today, the internet is suddenly flooded with stories about a newer, hipper version of Treasure Island in the works. Here’s another story:

Treasure Island will Make Long John Silver Sexy

Some of the pirate movie rumors out there are scary (“hipper” Treasure Island, for example), but ultimately a good movie is a good movie, and a bad one is bad. So whether the pirates are in the Caribbean, in space, or in the dance club, I’m more than happy to give it a chance. But for cryin’ out loud, someone has to actually *make* one of these movies, rather than just talk about it.

At least PotC4 is pretty much a sure thing. Let’s just hope it doesn’t involve Jack Sparrow going into space

Not be be too blunt, but Flint and Silver is exceptional work. The characters of Long John Silver and Joseph Flint are fleshed out and expanded upon in incredible, believable detail. Long John is every bit the dubious anti-hero he was in Treasure Island, and more-so. Flint, on the other hand, being only referenced in the original novel, is an original character of a truly compelling nature – clever, heartless, bitter, yet human. To see the friendship between the two develop, flourish, and then crumble is an adventure every bit as worthy as was Treasure Island itself. And to see the development of other “minor” characters develop alongside – Mad Dog, Blind Pew, Billy Bones… only adds to the fun, and further helps establish this as a ‘genuine’ prequel of which Rober Louis Stevenson would surely approve.

Beginning with Silver’s reluctant initiation into the ways of the Brethren of the Coast, the story traces his rapid rise to quartermaster (further advancement being staved off by his frustrating inability to master the arts of navigation) and eventual teaming up with Flint – Naval Lieutenant turned mutineer and eventual pirate captain. Each man finds he perfectly compliments the other in skill – Silver being a true leader of men, and Flint being a master navigator and strategist. Together they form a wildly successful pirate career until their inherent differences in motivation and humanity drive them apart. As the story unfolds, you can clearly see the foundation of Treasure Island laid out, although not to final completion as it would appear that one more novel remains before we would see the introduction of Jim Hawkins and company. I await this book with baited breath, and once you’ve read Flint and Silver, I’m confident you’ll feel the same.

Silver is a fictional autobiography as penned by none other than Long John himself. Starting with his roots as a back-alley thief and working up through common pirate to eventual captain, it traces his entire life in shameless detail. Long John delights in every crime, every murder, every maneuver for advantage against his adversaries and allies alike.

The first thing a reader needs to understand is that this is not the Long John of Treasure Island - Disney or otherwise. Rather, it’s a new perspective of this same character – more sinister, more murderous. Throughout, many important details of this account won’t quite match with John Hawkins’ own famous telling – this is intentional, as the author states his purpose to create a new story inspired by the Long John Silver, rather than a mere prequel limited by the exact characters and events of Treasure Island. This is important to note, because otherwise a reader might go nuts over several apparent discrepancies (Long John’s missing leg, the origins of the treasure, the role of Hawkins, etc.)

So, knowing that we must evaluate Silver as a standalone novel, how does it measure up? Not bad, actually, although I did need to grow accustomed to two key issues before I could fully enjoy this book. The first was Long John’s manner of speaking (or more accurately, writing.) This is a novel written from beginning to end by a pirate, and it reads as such. But mind you, this isn’t the typical pirate writing, n’which tha author jus trim’is words ta try’n emulate a pirate-like accent, but rather, it’s written with an educated pen, rich with metaphor, slang, and bravado. It makes for a colorful read, but does take some time to get used to. The second issue that took some time was Long John himself. In Treasure Island, he comes across as a clever rogue and a master of manipulation, but he’s also warm and oddly paternal. Not so in Silver – in this story Long John has a heart of ice. Murder is the key to his success, and he delights in indulging in such. Where the Long John of Treasure Island was sort of an anti-hero, in Silver he’s just an out-right bastard. And the sooner you stop trying to “like” him, the sooner you can enjoy the tales of his exploits.

As a story, Silver is enjoyable, if somewhat drawn out. It makes for an interesting read, but it’s difficult at times to know where it’s all heading, save towards Long John’s end, whatever it may be. But there’s another factor involved, one that may be of special interest to those who enjoy mysteries. In the telling of his tale, Silver recounts his own pursuit of Treasure Island, and the clues to its discovery hidden within a bible he’s come to possess. It’s riddles within riddles, full of cyphers, codes, and misdirection. It’s the sort of stuff that boggles my own mind – I’ve no head for such things, so can’t state whether the riddles could be plausibly solved, or whether I’m just too dense to keep up. And of course, there’s more to the riddles than originally stated, but for that you’ll have to read it yourself.

Fans of Muppets will enjoy this film because, well, muppets. Fans of Treasure Island and other pirate adventures will certainly enjoy the plot, scenery, and various gags and jokes – even watching the plot contort to better accomodate the puppet cast can be highly enjoyable (the writers weren’t oblivous to this fact, either – comments are made by characters time and again referencing the unlikliness of some of the situations.) Also worth mentioning is the soundtrack. The film was scored by Hans Zimmer (composer of two of the three Pirates of the Caribbean Flicks), and includes many singing numbers. Many have become classics amongst pirate fans, including “Professinal Pirate” and “Shiver My Timbers.”

Any collector of pirate movies would do well to pick up this DVD. Collectors of pirate music would do well to pick up the (much harder to find) soundtrack. But no matter how you cut it, Muppet Treasure Island is a gem worth hoarding.

With this in mind, one might expect the television series “The Adventures of Long John Silver” – all six episodes starring Robert Newton in his signature role – to be a true classic gem. And for Newton’s fans, it may well be. Each episode prominently features Newton retackling his interpretation of Silver with every bit of gusto he can muster – and this makes these shows worth watching. But each episode also features dreadfully predictable writing, cliche plot points (Long John saves the orphan’s Christmas??? Crikey!), and many scenes that are downright painful (The not-so-attractive Miss Purity flirting heavily with an even less attractive one-eared pirate is difficult to bear, to say the least.)

Jim Hawkins – as is often the case – is portrayed as an unimpressive “every boy”, rather than the extraordinary young man he should be. Silver’s first mate “Patch”, who – you guessed it – wears an eyepatch, sports a hairstyle so dated and odd it must be seen to be believed, and not one of the stories boasts anything truly memorable. BUT, it’s all ripe with “arrrs”, pirate jargon, and bloodless bloodshed, which for hardcore pirate fans might be just enough to keep this somewhat enjoyable in small doses.

Not quite bad enough to be a complete mockery, but not terribly good, and the filmmakers made some very strange choices in the creation of this film. Most noteworthy is their departure from any faithfulness to the book by having the officers of the Hispaniola betray Jim, thus forcing him to join the pirates. Now, I’m all for trying new things, but it just felt awfully contrived. The Captain’s character especially may as well have been written by a twelve-year-old, right down to when he grabs Long John’s crutch and throws it out of reach like a playground bully. And rewriting the beginning to attribute Long John’s wooden leg, Pew’s blindness, and Black Dog’s scars all to a single fateful day may have looked good in script, but struck me as dopey.

This film has numerous other details that are all too easy to pick apart: Why doesn’t Ben Gunn have a beard (three years on an island usually results in more than a five o’clock shadow)? Why doesn’t Long John, a life-long pirate, know a damned thing about sailing? And why have what should have been a four second chase scene between Hawkins and Black Dog seemingly last half an hour, especially when it wasn’t remotely interesting or funny?

Nice try, but pretty lame.

Heston’s lackluster performance aside, it’s a fantastic movie, and definitely my favorite interpretation of a fantastic book.

In a word, “eh.”