So Facebook has been feeding me an ad lately for FinalStraw, a really cool company that makes collapsible straws so you can suck your mojitos without harmful side effects to sea turtles. Their spokesperson is even a mermaid, so you know they’re serious. But the ad wasn’t just for FinalStraw in general – it was for their new limited edition color, Pirate’s Booty (black, for the uninitiated).
Now, I know what you’re thinking – carrying around a reuseable straw is hardly piratey. I mean, Blackbeard was a notorious litterbug afterall. But it’s time we fearsome men and women of the sea thought about the long-term damage we’re doing. Case in point, consider this famous passage from Moby Dick:
“The whale, the whale! Up helm, up helm! Oh, all ye sweet powers of air, now hug me close! Up helm, I say- ye fools, the jaw! the jaw! My God, stand by me now!”
But lo! At that the mighty beast did keel over and die, its blow-hole having jammed tight with a nigh fistful of plastic straws cast aside by careless fast food patrons. Ahab looked down as the whale gave a piteous death rattle. “Egads,” said he, “that was anticlimactic.”
See my point? So go buy a Pirate’s Booty FinalStraw before they run out. And use it. If you’re not into black, that’s cool. They also have plenty of other colors like Sea Tur-Teal and Shark’s Butt Grey.
True story: My 2012 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar was hand-delivered to me by Caribbean Pearl (2011 calendar girl, ongoing pirate celebrity, and associate of Tiger Lee). I took a quick look at the cover and said something along the lines of, “cute cover girl this year.” Pearl raised an eyebrow at me, covered the image’s heaving cleavage with her hand and asked, “what do you think of her now?”
I reexamined the 2012 cover girl that I’d just complimented, and my smile quickly turned to one of shock. “Oh my god,” I cried, “She looks 15*! And spiteful!”
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Let me set a scene for you. You and your mates are at a glorious pirate festival, bedecked in your swashbuckling finery. And then, as so often happens in these dark times, a gaggle of steampunks approach you and ask something like, “Pardon me, good sirs, indubitably, do you happen to know the location of the afternoon tea party, as it were? Harumph, pip pip?”
What exactly is the best response to this dreadful occurrence? Some might opt for the “stab first” option, but this often leads to trouble as it requires violating the festival’s peace-tie policy. Others might instead launch a small barrage of profanity, but in truth a cursing pirate sometimes comes across more like Yosemite Sam than we care to admit, which could leave you vulnerable to heckling (believe me, nothing is more painful than watching a steampunk do his Yosemite Sam impression at your expense). And so I would offer a third, wholly superior option – club the steampunk commander upside the head with a five gallon rum barrel. Pretty sweet, eh? Continue reading →
Now entering its fifth year, the Hot Pirate Babes Calendar has become a mainstay within the pirate community. Indeed, there’s a special place on my office wall that just wouldn’t be the same if it didn’t have a fetching pirate lass – be she angry or inviting – staring at me throughout her 30(ish) day reign. 2011 is nearly upon us, so now’s the time to lock in your year of pirate hotness. If you want it to be a year of surprises, then read no further as I will now engage in my annual ritual of evaluating these lasses’ varying degrees of pirateyness, combativeness, and – indeed – hotness.
January begins the year with a strong baseline. “Coastal Beauty” isn’t so much a remarkable or terribly creative photo as it is classic. The model boasts an “almost” functional pirate outfit (hardly historically accurate, but she might not catch her death at least) with weapons at the ready. Her steady face looks like she’s preparing to aim her flintlock – but what’s this? It’s not you she’s studying, but something over your left shoulder. Perhaps a villainous seagull, or god-forbid an airship pirate. Continue reading →
I’ve stated before that a pirate needs a hat, and this is true. But a pirate also needs a flag. After all, if a pirate doesn’t have a flag, then what will they hoist before attacking Spaniards? Well, without a pirate flag they’ll either hoist their nation’s ensign (which makes them a privateer, and a poser), or they hoist whatever happens to be onhand at the time, which can lead to all sorts of embarrasing situations.
So yeah, a pirate needs a flag. And while many pirates opt to buy the first cheapo jolly roger they can get their hands on, TRUE pirates will design their own Continue reading →
By all accounts, Blackbeard was a beast among men – towering over his contemporaries, and piratey to the core. Well, this new collectable figure from Sideshow Collectibles is no different. Standing at a whopping 19 inches, and with a scowl that could melt granite, this rendering of Blackbeard is truly the meanest, pirateyest thing to come across my desk in some time. Striking a “Captain Morgan” pose atop a demolished cannon (which he probably head-butted), Blackbeard stands poised for a moment to catch his breath between slaughterins. His blade is drenched in naval blood, while his enormous flintlock (actually, a doglock I believe) stands ready to bring a quick end to the next bloke that looks at him funny. All together, this statuette captures a moment of Blackbeard’s life that not only sums up his own legend, but pretty much defines the legend of Caribbean piracy in its entirity. Continue reading →
I’m still putting 2008 on my checks, and here comes the 2010 Hot Pirate Babes Calendar. How the time flies.
I’ve reviewed the previous three incarnations of this calendar, so feel free to read those reviews if you *really* need an explanation of just what a “hot pirate babes” calendar contains. The rest of us, however, shall jump into the nuts and bolts of the matter and consider just what 2010 appears to have in store.
As with other years, the 2010 calendar features a range of pirate babes, some of whom hit the “hot” mark with more grace than others. Five months, in fact, offer babes of reasonably passable hotness. February brings us a gypsy gal for those who prefer their girls to exercise a little modesty (in the face, if not exactly elsewhere), Continue reading →
In the golden age of piracy, sailors would tell the time by the sun (or by divining the entrails of a spaniard.) These days we’re lucky – we have wristwatches and iPhones. But neither of these options seem very piratey, do they?
WRONG!!! See how I set that up? Now you can tell time or make phonecalls in the most piratey fashion possible thanks to BudgetGadgets.com, who now offer two solutions to let you sport technology without betraying the pirate code (I believe that somewhere in the code it does indeed forbid the public usage of all non-piratey technology.) We’ll begin with the iPhone case, which is made up of two pieces of plastic that readily snap together to cover your phone from top to bottom in skulls and crossbones. Continue reading →
In my years of reviewing pirate products, I’ve seen a lot of repetition in product – multiple manufacturers of pirate hats, multiple varieties of pirate games, all sorts of varied pirate music, etc. This isn’t remotely a bad thing, as variety and options are indeed the spice of piratey life. But it is a rare thing to come across something truly new, as is the case with The Pirate Tarot.
For those unfamiliar, tarot cards are intended as a way of divining the future. Cards are shuffled, a question is asked, and the cards are layed out in patterns to represent past, present, future, and any number of other factors. Tarot deck designs are most usually mystical in nature – elves, wizards, etc, but can be made in any number of themes, including – at last – pirates. Continue reading →
It’s a well-accepted fact that root beer is the most piratey of all non-alcoholic beverages. If this is news to you, then you really need to play The Secret of Monkey Island to further your piratey education. If you’ve already played Monkey Island but still dispute root beer’s soft-drink dominance over all piratedom, then you’re not as smart as I’d hoped (and likely not as good looking, either.)
RootJack is a new pirate energy drink from Voodoo Elixirs. Essentially orange flavored root beer with extra caffeine and guarana, RootJack makes no claims at fighting ghosts (again, see Monkey Island) – it does, however, fight scurvy thanks to a full day’s supply of vitamin C. So long, puffy gums, so long bleeding sores – RootJack makes it all better, and tastes pretty good alongside. Continue reading →