I’m getting a wee bit nervous.

Like many website owners, I carefully monitor bilgemunky.com’s web statistics. It’s always nice to know how many people are visiting my site, and if I can get some more specific data, such as geography or IP info, all the better.

My first clue that something was amiss was last month when I had a visitor whose IP address ended with “NIS.MIL.” For those of you not in the know, the .MIL means it’s a military address, and the NIS I can only assume stands for “Naval Investigation Service.”

As a most notorious pirate, you can see why having a visit from the Naval Investigation Service might set me a little on edge. It’s of course possible this was just some swab surfing the net during his lunch break, but far more likely is that the Navy has set out a crack team of their best commando agents hell-bent on destroying my master schemes.

Time will tell.

The plot thickened two days ago when I spied another unusual IP address, this time beginning with WCS and ending, again, in MIL. I did a quick Google search for WCS and one of the first hits was the Wildlife Conservation Society – specifically a program called “Goualougo Chimp Study.”

Chimp Study!!! Coincidence? I think not! It’s obvious that the NIS (certainly under orders from the CIA) has teamed up with the GCS under authority of the WCS. Their intentions are as yet unclear, but I believe they’re hoping to capture me and study my superior munky-pirate DNA for the the purpose of forming an army of purple seagoing supersoldiers!

I don’t know how deeply this conspiracy goes, but from now on I will trust no one.