Kids, don’t read this post.

So I’ve reported before on the interesting/scary-as-hell adult toys inspired by Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. Well, now there’s another one – but it leaves me rather befuddled. It’s called Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker, and it’s basically a tiny (like, smaller than an elf) torso of Jesse Jane wearing a pirate hat.

I mean, is it like a sexy stress ball for squishing at the office? Because it would be pretty awesome to fondle a coke-can sized Jesse Jane while the boss is lecturing you about synergy. Or perhaps there’s a more direct usage , the likes of which would definitely get you fired where you to attempt such things in your cubicle? I emailed Digital Playground to ask for detailed clarification, but they neglected to respond.

Hey, did I mention that Jesse Jane is available in a sort-of-flesh-tone-but-not-really pink, OR in crystal clear? So if you want to combine your porn-star/pirate/Iceman/Darby O’Bill fantasies, your time has finally come.

Oh, and here’s a closeup of her (the pink version) making a 100% Medical Grade Cyber-skin “kissy face”:

In truth, this “Booty Stroker” does indeed have two very tiny, super stretchy orifices (above and below, so to speak), which leads me to quickly conclude what the intended application just might be. But I’d rather not go there, and instead I’d suggest this “Extremely detailed design”, and “Super-realistic soft & tight” toy might make a great cover for your gear shift. Er, no. Finger puppet? Crap. Is there ANY nonsexual application I can suggest that doesn’t sound like a double entendre? Hood ornament? I give up.