Actually, the term “poetry” might be misapplied here, but poetry was at least the goal of this little project, if not the actual result. Monday’s episode of Bilgemunky Radio included a trivia contest with a grand prize of a fantastic book from Kraken Rum. In order to qualify for the contest, listeners were asked to submit either a limerick or haiku about how much they loved Kraken Rum – without using the words love, rum, or kraken. For your amusement and torture, here are the submissions:

Gimmie that book mate i drink i enjoy i am into i am out of that drinks i need
-Mad Davy Flynt

As you can see, Mad Davy’s submisson was… questionable. I wasn’t even sure if he understood the instructions, and indeed many of his answers to the contest throughout the evening made me suspect alcohol poisoning. Still, Davy’s a good mate, so I enacted “pirate privileged” and let his entry pass.

The sea-beast’s spirit
held in the transparent flask
warms my pirate soul.
-Smylingsnake

Smyling Snake, unlike many pirates, seems to actually understand the rules of a haiku. Weirdo.

There be a dark spirit so fine
When drinkin it’s always been mine
So tip back the glass,
‘fore it buckles yer ass
And ye sink ‘mong it’s tentacles fine!
-“Irish” James

And Irish James, eventual victor of the competition, clearly understands the rules of a limerick. He is, however, fortunate I didn’t disqualify him for the misuse of “it’s” as opposed to “its.” I was way too forgiving that night, it would seem.

There was a libation so grand
Named for a beast with eight hands
It was just so great
It dropped my poor mate
Lying face down in the sand
-Captain Bob

Captain Bob also wrote a fine limerick, although he clearly doesn’t know that the Kraken has ten arms, not eight. Remember that in hand to hand combat, because those extra two can make all the difference. Also…

A glass in hand in the dark
Creates a boozy spark
While drinking so fine
This other than wine
I want a book to make my mark
-Captain Bob

Captain Bob also failed to understand the rules that multiple entries could result in disqualification, so this second effort put him at risk. Actually, I’m not sure I’d explained the multiple entry rule at this point. Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t disqualify him.

Ahoy me hearty Eye be Oderlesseye
hear to tells ye about thet Black Ink
The Leather Book be mine Eye Cry ~
If naught,then it be the your arse in pink!
So ifen ye naughwt care to bend over the side
Send the book my way and ye be in mink!
-Oderlesseye

Although Oderlesseye’s poem lacks structure, cohesion, form, and in at least one case any sort of rhyme, it is probably the only poem here that a true pirate might have written. Well, his and Mad Davy’s.

A glass, strong and black
Tis be my favorite drink
My gloom be lifted
-Blackstrap Ben

Ben gets it.

You Make Me A Schmuk
Giant Squishy Cephalopod
Oh Get Me So Drunk
-Mad Jack Skinner

As does Jack.

A drink with nothin’ lackin’
That surely isn’t slackin’
Favorite of mine
I’ll hold the line
I think of it dearly while tackin’
-Captain Bob

And then we have Bob again. This guy was really scared that his poems might not qualify for some reason, so he kept sending one after another after another.

My dark alcohol
Oh how I enjoy your taste
All ninety-four proof
-Dreadsteel

Beautiful. Really, it makes my heart feel all sappy.

I once went to sea with a cask
Made sure to have a full flask
Distilled from sugarcane it was
And certain to give a good buzz.
Life is good if we do not go dry.
The best things are spicy and wry
-Horndog

Great work, Horndog. But you too are lucky I didn’t disqualify poems that failed to live up to the limerick standard (as lofty as it is.) I mean, what’s with the second closing line?

Dark beast of the deep
Inky fluid that I drink
Nightly before sleep
-Jim Glass

Not much to say about Jim’s poem. He must be one of those fancy pants scholarly pirates, like William Dampire Dampier.

A libation so grand
Stunning the world with grandeur
I want a drink now
-Captain Bob

And in conclusion, lest we forget about him, Bob snuck in one final poem for a total of four. He started his haiku with six syllables, even. I really should have kicked him out of this contest at this point 😛

I hope these poems proved entertaining on some level to you readers. If nothing else, the provide some rare insight into the psychology of the Bilgemunky Radio demographic. Ignorance may have been bliss after all.