The Awesomeness of Talderoy

It’s comforting to know that while I’m slaving away at my website and DJing, my fans are spending their time contemplating how much they love Talderoy. That’s ok, I know the score – Talderoy was born into awesome the way some folks are born into wealth, and that’s just how it is. Thanks to The Reformed C4rdNinj4 and Jack McCool for compiling the following list – and it was quite kind of them to include the final two entries by which to stoke my delicate ego. Transparent pandering, to be sure, but I take what I can get!

  • Some say if Chuck Norris and Talderoy fought, the universe would implode.
  • Others say it would be the Second Coming of Jesus.
  • Behind Talderoy’s beard is Chuck Norris.
  • Talderoy was the fourth wiseman; he gave Jesus the gift of beard.
  • The other wisemen were so jealous that Jesus wore it to his death that they conspired to write Talderoy out of the Bible.
  • Talderoy once stubbed his toe and made the Grand Canyon.
  • When Talderoy has sex with a man, it’s not because he’s gay. It’s because he’s run out of women.
  • Talderoy once took a shit while sailing and that’s how the Marianas Trench was formed.
  • While urinating, Talderoy is easily capable of weilding titanium.
  • If you spell Talderoy in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Talderoy never wet the bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
  • Talderoy doesn’t use a boat. He swims around the Caribbean and steals entire ships.
  • A comet didn’t wipe out the dinosaurs. Talderoy just doesn’t like lizards.
  • When Talderoy goes swimming, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Talderoy.
  • Talderyo isn’t so much a pirate as all pirates are little pieces of Talderoy.
  • Talderoy has sailed 8 of the 7 seas.
  • Talderoy had a pissing contest and formed the Caribbean Sea.
  • Sperm whales are from a similar contest.
  • To fire a cannon, Talderoy doesn’t use a match. He just stares it down until it gives in to the pressure.
  • Talderoy once sold his soul to the Devil for unrivaled pirate skill and once he did, Talderoy stole his soul back.
  • Talderoy once sold his soul to the Devil, but it took over. The Devil is now known as Talderoy Junior.
  • In any game of Rock Paper Scissors, the winning hand is always Talderoy.
  • Talderoy never knocks. He walks up and the door opens on it’s own.
  • Talderoy doesn’t have alcohol in his bllod stream. He has blood in his alcohol stream.
  • Talderoy doesn’t get drunk off alcohol, but alcohol gets drunk off Talderoy.
  • And on the seventh day, Talderoy created rum. And it was goooooooood.
  • There are two things insurance companies won’t pay: acts of God and acts of Talderoy.
  • TailNight almost died choking on a Hot Pocket, but Talderoy came and saved him.
  • The reason the world will end in 2012 is because that’s when Talderoy scheduled his fight with Chuck Norris.
  • Talderoy uses active volcanoes as hot tubs.
  • Talderoy can swim to the moon.
  • The Great Australian Bight? Talderoy got a little peckish.
  • Talderoy doesn’t need to swim. If he falls overboard, the water pushes him back on board.
  • Talderoy plays b-ball with the Moon and Mars is the 3-point line.
  • Talderoy once ordered a french frie big enough to satisfy his appetite. It was the reason for the Great Potato Famine.
  • The Ozone layer actually represents the boundaries of Talderoy’s personal space.
  • Talderoy doesn’t need wind. He fills his sails with air from his lungs.
  • Talderoy doesn’t need currents. He just points and the water runs that way.
  • Talderoy doesn’t need sails. The boat just goes where he wills it.
  • Talderoy once punched a dodo and the species went extinct.
  • The sea is salty because Talderoy got sweaty… once.
  • The last time the world thought it was coming to an end, it was Talderoy’s hat blocking the sun.
  • Talderoy was shot once. He pulled the bullet out and handed it to the man who shot him before killing the man.
  • You think Talderoy watch TV. TV WATCH HIM!
  • Talderoy does not want Bilgemunky to stop!
  • Bilgemunky once challenged Talderoy to an awesome contest. There was never a firm decision on a winner because everyone who witnessed were rendered permeanantly caatatonic.

5 thoughts on “The Awesomeness of Talderoy

  1. Brilliant!
    However, I might point out that my version of the email to you contained edits to correct several spelling errors, as well as omitting the obvious “Chuck Norris Facts” plagiarisms 😛

  2. Sorry Jack, didn’t notice. I just scanned the first few lines and figured they were the same. Plus, Ninj4’s version wasn’t double spaced, so it saved me 2.5 seconds of effort to convert it to a post 😛

  3. Bah, alright then. Damn the ninja and her infernal double-spacing!

    In any case, I’ve also added to the list. For your piratical enjoyment and edification:

    *Talderoy uses the Kraken as a condom.

    *The scar on Talderoy’s face was left by Poseidon himself for “stealing his sea.” You should see the scar Talderoy left on Poseidon.

    *Talderoy’s bones are made of silver, and he has electric blood.

    *Though largely believed to be mythical, increasing numbers of honest sailors believe not only that Talderoy lives, but scores claim to have actually seen him.

    *In the original version of the song “Talderoy,” by the Pirates Charles, Captain Spoo Diggity attempted to list every exploit of Talderoy throughout history. The song contained over 1,000,000 verses, and lasted a total of three years.

    *No one living except Captain Diggity himself has ever heard the original version of “Talderoy” from beginning to end, because the heads of all those present at the first performance exploded from sheer awesome.

    *There is no such thing as the A-bomb. Talderoy was actually dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

    *A more accurate name for the position of the United States and the Soviet Union during the Cold war would have been, “mutual assured Talderoy.”

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