Review: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

Rating: ★★★★★
The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists
by Gideon Defoe

All true works of literary genius share three common traits:

1) They possess a timeless relevence

2) They speak to the reader on a level that is both highly personal yet universal

and 3) They most always feature a monocled-monkey on the cover, frequently clutching a pirate flag.

Based on this criteria alone, Gideon Defoe’s sure-to-be legendary novel of pirates, evolution, and ham is clearly one for the ages. His humor is deeply varied as it ranges from the very dry to the highly absurd – I literally couldn’t put it down, and was thus banned from the bedroom as my wife couldn’t get any sleep with me constantly giggling through the wee hours. Continue reading

Review: Captain Ron

Rating: ★★½☆☆
I should hate this movie. It’s full of bad jokes, predictable plotlines, and Martin Short. But then, it also has just enough surprise gags to partially redeem itself. Not enough to make it actually GOOD mind you, but enough to make it a so-so flick that’s worth watching with your buddies, especially if there’s rum on hand. Just be prepared to groan through some of the jokes, and try to think of your own happy place when Martin Short and his movie wife both scream in unison “HoneyAreYOUAllRight???”.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Devil Wore Purple Plunder Pants – Chapter 3

excerpt from
“The Devil Wore Purple Plunder-Pants”
an upcoming romance novel from Bilgemunky Press

note: The following story and characters are works of fiction. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, and especially any resemblance to Keira Knightly, super sexy star of Pirates of the Caribbean, is entirely coincidental.

ChapterĀ 3 – Reunion Denied

Keira flew towards the beach with billowing nightgown trailing behind her. Her dainty heart pounded like a cannibal’s war-drum as her lily white toes dug into the sand, propelling her ever towards her long lost love. She had feared she’d never see him again, but at last, at long, long last he had returned.

Bilgemunky crawled out of the ocean, waves crashing over his sinewy shoulders. He was exhausted from the battle, yet energized by his victory over the rebel pygmies. But it was the sight of his beloved Keira rushing towards him that truly quickened his blood. The outline of her delicate feminine figure was teasingly visible through the ghostly white layers of her gown as she scampered towards him, and Bilgemunky realized that it was times like this when it was good to be a man, or at least a primate of the male persuasion. Continue reading

Review: Scurvy Dogs

Rating: ★★★★☆
Scurvy Dogs
by Andrew Boyd and Ryan Yount

The writers of Scurvy Dogs claim time and time again that “pirates are the new monkeys.” I must confess that I only half understand that statement, but deep in my heart I still know it’s true. Similar could be said of their comic book, as I can’t fully understand how the same batch of comically stereotyped pirates (led by Blackbeard himself) can fight both Portuguese Lepers and Vikings from the future while still finding time to work in highrise offices and chase after tankers full of Tang. Nope, I don’t get it – but this comic is so funny it doesn’t really matter. Whether our pirates are picking fights with monkeys in a martini bar or plotting mutiny from their cubicles, this comic is a demented taste of Pirate Heaven. Continue reading

Review: National Lampoon’s Last Resort

Rating: ½☆☆☆☆
From the creators of Family Vacation comes this movie with a rather unique premise: Two teenage slackers, having gotten fired after blowing up the burger joint they worked at, land a couple of scuba instructor jobs at a swanky resort by pretending to be former Navy seals. The resort is owned by their uncle, a has-been Hollywood star who’s constantly trying to relive his glory days as a pirate captain on the silver screen as he wanders his island in full pirate garb whilst seeking buried treasure. Of course, the real action starts when theseā€¦

Oh jeez – I just realized you might be starting to think this sounds like a decent movie. My bad. Did I mention that they didn’t have enough actors, so many of the extras are played by cardboard cutouts? Or how about the fact that the underwater scenes are shot in a room painted blue with someone just offscreen blowing bubbles? And don’t overlook the fact that this little gem stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. This is a bizarre flick, and while it seems to try to poke fun at its own absurdity, it doesn’t do so nearly enough to be forgiven. But it does make lots of pirate references, so watch it if you must – I won’t hold it against you. Just don’t say you weren’t warned.