Megan Fox Doesn’t Get to Play Pirate

See, this is why it’s good that I don’t glom onto every rumor that comes along about PotC4. For a week or so now I’ve seen headline after headline that Megan Fox was considering a role as a mermaid in the next Pirates film. The rumors seems insubstantial, though, as 1) While she was clearly expressing interest, not one story offered any evidence that she was actually being considered. And 2) My gut says the role she was talking about was the one already slated for some French chick. Ms. Frisby, or something like that.

Anyways, rumor-busting story here:

Megan Fox Will Not Be A Part Of ‘Pirates’ Treasure

Which begs the question, was there ever a story at all, or was this just a publicity stunt by Fox’s manager to keep her name in the headlines? Seems like a good idea, actually, which is why I hereby announce MY OWN plans to star in the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, where I’ll be portraying the seasick deckhand who accidentally pukes on Jack Sparrow’s boots. Hilarity ensues, until Jack quietly stabs me in the throat and dumps me overboard. At this point the film will take a surprisingly somber note, and children in the audience might even gasp a bit. But then Jack will make a joke about the rum being gone, at which point everything will be cool again.

Micky Said the “D” Word – Pirates of the Caribbean: Armada of the Damned.

I have no X-Box360, and – much like Jack Sparrow’s catchphrases – my computer grows more dated with each passing day. I’m sure you’re already crying me a river, and that’s even before you’ve seen the images of the awesome new video game I likely won’t ever be able to play. Feast yer eyes:

This picture is of a tavern, in case you couldn’t tell. Also, since some readers haven’t figured it out yet, clicking the image will make it bigger, so you can bask in the glorious detail. You can almost smell the rum – which, despite this being a Disney title, strangely indeed smells of rum – musky and deadly. Continue reading

PotC4 to be in 3D – if this surprises you, you haven’t been paying attention

Seriously, this only barely qualifies as news. 3D is currently trendier than…

…trendier than…

…well, I don’t know, being as nobody every clues me in on what’s cool or fashionable. But 3D is up there, make no mistake. I was saying back in early April that there was no way Pirates of the Caribbean 4 would *not* be in 3D – it’s just the Disney way right now. Personally this news means little to me as I’ll just save the few bucks and see the regular 2D version. But for those of you who enjoy seeing swords and tentacles wiggled in front of your nose (I said tentacles), this must be joyous news.

BBC News – Pirates of the Caribbean 4 ‘to be made in 3D’.

More PotC News/Rumors

You can tell the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film is truly in full production as new rumors seem to come out daily. Yesterday’s two big headlines concerned budget and location. First, the funding for the fourth film has been slashed considerably (now projected to cost only $200 million), and in another money-saving measure, they’ll be doing the filming in Hawaii and London rather than the Caribbean and California.

Both of these pieces of news have been met with some negative reactions, but I really don’t see how either matters much. We’ve all seen how big budget movies – pirate and otherwise – can get bogged down by their own bloated spectacle, so all I really care about is if the script is good and if it’s well executed. Hey, speaking of scripts, I’ve yet to hear if they actually have one yet. I’m assuming so, but that never made much headlines. Huh.

As to the non-Caribbean location (which has really ruffled some feathers,) that one I really don’t care about at all. Hollywood has successfully portrayed the Czech Republic as the American Frontier (Ravenous), New Zealand and Middle Earth (Lord of the Rings) and Iowa as someplace magical (Field of Dreams.) So really, does it matter where it’s filmed?

Thanks to Captain Tom Foolery and Captain Anne Paisley.

“I’m a Singing Pirate…”

OK, the linked article has lots of words, and very few of them have anything to do with pirates. The gist of the story is as follows:

1. Disney clearly has a strong desire these days to turn anything and everything they own into a musical.

2. Disney has recently purchased the domain names “PiratesOnBroadway.com” and “PiratesOnTour.com.”

So what’s it mean? My bet, probably nothing –  at least not yet. I’m sure a company like Disney registers a domain name for every half-baked idea that flutters across their brains – they have too, just in case they later decide to develop it. So these domain registrations probably don’t mean a thing – until they do mean something, which will likely be scary. Like Barbossa and Davy Jones singing a duet scary. But I’ll still probably buy one of the commemorative T shirts.

StitchKingdom.com – DISNEY THEATRICAL LOOKS TO DISNEY, MIRAMAX, TIM BURTON AND THE BEATLES FOR INSPIRATION

Disney Confirms that Astrid Berges-Frisbey’s Breasts are Real

Well, not directly. But being as only a couple of weeks ago Disney put out a casting call for non-enhanced ladies to portray mermaids, and being as now they’ve announced the French actress Astrid Berges-Frisbey (no relation to the Rats of Nimh) will be portraying one of said mermaids, you can do the math yourself.

French actresss joins ‘Pirates’ – Phoenix Arizona News

Also in late breaking news, Keira Knightly has ONCE AGAIN confirmed that she will not be appearing in the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film. The poor girl has got to be tired as all hell of getting asked that question, and if the press doesn’t catch on soon she might just have a breakdown and get something like “NotInPotC4” tattooed across her forehead, which would mean I’d have to alter all my Keira Knightly action figures to match, and I don’t have time for that carp.

Newsflash – Depp isn’t desperate for ca$h

Johnny Depp defends Pirates movies

So IndianExpress.com has just posted an article in which Johnny Depp defends his decision to star in another Pirates of the Caribbean film, and claims that he’s not just doing it for the money.

Wow, that’s some crack reporting – one of Hollywood’s highest paid, highest demand actors doesn’t need to sell out just to make ends meet. I can just imagine Johnny sitting on his private island, tearing his hair out as he tries to decide between toothpaste or toilet paper this month.

Whether PotC 4 sucks, is awesome, or is somewhere in between, I think we can all agree that it’s not the money that convinced Depp to take on Jack Sparrow again. Nope – it was that legendary film set catering we hear so much about.

No Fake Boobs in PotC4

Pirates auditions rule out women with fake assets- Hindustan Times.

This story has popped up all over the internet last night – Disney looking for fit young women who are also capable swimmers. Here’s the actual casting call:

Beautiful Female Fit Models. Must be 5′7-5′8, Size 4 or 6 – NO BIGGER OR SMALLER. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. MUST have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants. This is a show and tell of costumes with the director and the producers. Plan on an entire day of trying on clothes and being photographed.

Professional Dancers who are Swimmers. Females ONLY. Age 18-30. All ethnicities. YOU MUST have an extensive dance/swimming resume. We will be shooting in Hawaii.

It appears that this search for healthy young aqua-lasses is tied to Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and of course rumors have immediately gone in the direction of mermaids. Which would be yet one more indication that On Stranger Tides is bearing less and less similarity to the book, which I’ve decided is a good thing. The more Disney strikes out in its own creative directions, the less likely for the final product to be a sad bastardization of the original work. So bring it on, real boobs and all!

Although now I wonder just how many Disney casting calls specify a boob preference? Perhaps I’ve underestimated the Mouse after all.

Happy Birthday, Pirates of the Caribbean!

As of today, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland is 47 years old. 47 years of firing cannons over patrons heads, 47 years of lying in a drunken stupor with pigs, 47 years of yelling, “we want the redhead,” and 47 years of nonstop singing of, “yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me!”

Raise a glass, mates, for this was the ride that for many of us started it all. Without it, there would be no Jack Sparrow, no Monkey Island, and probably no Pirate-Core bands. Without it, I would have probably dedicated my life to something useful and financially rewarding, like brain surgery, or time-travel. I’d be rich by now, with large homes across the nation, all staffed by robot maids.

Crap.

Penelope Cruz Signs on with PotC4?

Penelope Cruz snubs von Trier for Pirates of the Caribbean – Monsters and Critics.

The internet has been flooded for a week with stories of Penelope Cruz being in talks with Disney to star as Jack Sparrow’s, er, nemesis? Colleague? Bosom Buddy? I’m really not sure (and for all we know, the writers aren’t sure yet either – that makes me nervous.) Anyways, I haven’t bothered sharing the news, because if PotC2 and 3 taught us anything, it’s that rumors will go back and forth and back again, and trying to keep up with them is just pointless. Continue reading