Another PotC Casting Rumor

So just announced that Stephen Graham will be playing a sidekick sort of character in Pirates of the Caribbean 4. And the Internet Movie Database seems to confirm it. I don’t know if IMDB is a reliable source regarding rumors, but I was pleased to see that Megan Fox was NOT listed, so I stand by my belief that her “upcoming mermaid role” is nothing more than hot air (although surprisingly persistent hot air, I’ll admit.)

Graham sails with ‘Pirates 4’ crew – Variety

Megan Fox Doesn’t Get to Play Pirate

See, this is why it’s good that I don’t glom onto every rumor that comes along about PotC4. For a week or so now I’ve seen headline after headline that Megan Fox was considering a role as a mermaid in the next Pirates film. The rumors seems insubstantial, though, as 1) While she was clearly expressing interest, not one story offered any evidence that she was actually being considered. And 2) My gut says the role she was talking about was the one already slated for some French chick. Ms. Frisby, or something like that.

Anyways, rumor-busting story here:

Megan Fox Will Not Be A Part Of ‘Pirates’ Treasure

Which begs the question, was there ever a story at all, or was this just a publicity stunt by Fox’s manager to keep her name in the headlines? Seems like a good idea, actually, which is why I hereby announce MY OWN plans to star in the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, where I’ll be portraying the seasick deckhand who accidentally pukes on Jack Sparrow’s boots. Hilarity ensues, until Jack quietly stabs me in the throat and dumps me overboard. At this point the film will take a surprisingly somber note, and children in the audience might even gasp a bit. But then Jack will make a joke about the rum being gone, at which point everything will be cool again.

No Fake Boobs in PotC4

Pirates auditions rule out women with fake assets- Hindustan Times.

This story has popped up all over the internet last night – Disney looking for fit young women who are also capable swimmers. Here’s the actual casting call:

Beautiful Female Fit Models. Must be 5′7-5′8, Size 4 or 6 – NO BIGGER OR SMALLER. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. MUST have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants. This is a show and tell of costumes with the director and the producers. Plan on an entire day of trying on clothes and being photographed.

Professional Dancers who are Swimmers. Females ONLY. Age 18-30. All ethnicities. YOU MUST have an extensive dance/swimming resume. We will be shooting in Hawaii.

It appears that this search for healthy young aqua-lasses is tied to Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and of course rumors have immediately gone in the direction of mermaids. Which would be yet one more indication that On Stranger Tides is bearing less and less similarity to the book, which I’ve decided is a good thing. The more Disney strikes out in its own creative directions, the less likely for the final product to be a sad bastardization of the original work. So bring it on, real boobs and all!

Although now I wonder just how many Disney casting calls specify a boob preference? Perhaps I’ve underestimated the Mouse after all.

Listen Up, Corksuckers…

Ian McShane set for ‘Pirates’ sequel.

That’s right, Ian McShane. Ian flogging McShane, a.k.a. Al Swearengen, is supposedly in talks to portray Blackbeard in PotC4. Generally, I find most PotC rumors to be rather ‘meh’, but THIS one I can heartily endorse. This is also the first indication of On Stranger Tides having something to do with the book aside from the Fountain of Youth. Although, considering the book, I still don’t know what the hell Jack Sparrow will do with himself for two hours aside from stumbling around drunk and looking lost. Kind of like I did Friday night at PyrateCon 2009.

Fun Fact: The real Al Swearengen wasn’t actually British, but was born in Iowa. Which places him in such auspicious company as Captain Kirk and the Bilgemunky. Blackbeard, however, was most certainly NOT from Iowa, and it’s reported to be the only regret he ever admitted to in public.

No Gore for Pirates 4 (hey, that rhymes!)

Gore Verbinski says ‘no’ to ‘Pirates 4’ on Hitfix.

Unlike most PotC rumors, this one actually seems to be confirmed – Gore Verbinski will NOT be directing the next pirates flick. I don’t know what to make of that, since the impact of this news obviously rests on the question of who WILL be directing. Early rumors indicated Tim Burton, which makes me cringe, but that was a while ago and probably not worth banking on.

Sadly, there might be something to this…

SFGate: Daily Dish : Efron Denies ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ Rumor.

“Honestly, at this time it’s just a rumor.”

That sounds forboding to me. “At this time…” means that it’s not entirely a rumor. It hints that Disney and Zac Efron of High School Musical have been talking about bringing him aboard the PotC francise, and says to me that Disney is circulating these rumors to determine whether they lead to good buzz or bad buzz.

Efron is already part of the Disney family, as is Pirates of the Caribbean. Young kids probably love him, so naturally Disney would think they could use this to their marketing advantage. To me, this is exactly the sort of misguided demographic pandering that Disney is all too capable of. Never mind a script, never mind the creative process – just determine whether they can guss Efron up in pirate garb, slap the image on a pillowcase, and sell it to pre-teen girls.

Pirates of the Caribbean 4 Rumors Debunked

Pirates of the Caribbean 4 Rumors Debunked.

Aye, I knew this would happen before I even started posting news and rumors of PotC4. So why’d I post them? I was probably drunk. Yeah, that’s it. Why’s the rum gone? Because Bilgemunky was blogging.

It bears pointing out that significant authorities with Disney and the PotC franchise have, in the past, vehemently denied rumors that later turned out to be true, so perhaps this means nothing. BUT, this early in the game, and based on the natures of the rumors, I’m inclined to believe it’s all bunk.

Tim Burton doing next Pirates ?

Moviehole. Tim Burton doing next Pirates ?.

I’m afraid. Mind you, I was afraid when I first heard that Johnny Depp was playing a pirate (and from early sketches that have since been made public, I had good reason it seems), but Johnny managed to crank out a piece of genius. As to Burton directing PotC4? Now I’m really afraid.

It’s not that Burton is a bad director – far, far from it. But he is a distinctive one – aside from Ed Wood I can’t think of a decent Burton film that didn’t immediately scream, “hey, I’m a Burton film.” His work is quirky, fanciful, surreal, and creepy. With the PotC franchise getting increasingly (and to its detriment, I believe) sci-fi driven, I think Burton’s own brand of expressionism is exactly what it does NOT need at this time.

When Burton and Depp work together, magic often happens – I just fear it’s the wrong kind of magic for a pirate film. But that’s just me, and I’m sure there are hundreds of folks that will feel otherwise. And maybe Burton will prove me wrong and make a brilliant film, either by departing from his usual M.O. and returning the PotC films to the “almost reality” of the first film, or by making some splendidly brilliant piece of typical Burtonism that I could never dream of. Or maybe – and far more likely – this is just another stupid rumor with no real basis in reality and it doesn’t mean squat.

10 ways to make sure Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 gets it right – Den of Geek

10 ways to make sure Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 gets it right – Den of Geek.

Yes, so the news – only rumors and (misguided) wishful thinking to this point – is now official. According to multiple media sources, Pirates of the Caribbean 4 is now definitely in the works. Rather than linking a slobbering fanboy article I thought this one more appropriate: 10 helpful suggestion to ensure PotC 4 does not suck. Disney, we know, is capable of great things – great successes, and great failures alike. And being as they clearly did some things very badly in the second two films I sincerely hope they’ve learned something from their mis-steps. But sadly, it’s difficult to convince myself that Disney is moving forward with PotC4 because they feel they actually have a new story worth telling, rather than simply trying dredge up a few more bucks from this franchise. Which is fine – I’ve no beef with capitolism. I do, however, have a beef with lame ass pirate movies.