Suck Yer Booty (wait, that came out wrong)

So Facebook has been feeding me an ad lately for FinalStraw, a really cool company that makes collapsible straws so you can suck your mojitos without harmful side effects to sea turtles. Their spokesperson is even a mermaid, so you know they’re serious. But the ad wasn’t just for FinalStraw in general – it was for their new limited edition color, Pirate’s Booty (black, for the uninitiated).

Now, I know what you’re thinking – carrying around a reuseable straw is hardly piratey. I mean, Blackbeard was a notorious litterbug afterall. But it’s time we fearsome men and women of the sea thought about the long-term damage we’re doing. Case in point, consider this famous passage from Moby Dick:

β€œThe whale, the whale! Up helm, up helm! Oh, all ye sweet powers of air, now hug me close! Up helm, I say- ye fools, the jaw! the jaw! My God, stand by me now!”

But lo! At that the mighty beast did keel over and die, its blow-hole having jammed tight with a nigh fistful of plastic straws cast aside by careless fast food patrons. Ahab looked down as the whale gave a piteous death rattle. “Egads,” said he, “that was anticlimactic.”

See my point? So go buy a Pirate’s Booty FinalStraw before they run out. And use it. If you’re not into black, that’s cool. They also have plenty of other colors like Sea Tur-Teal and Shark’s Butt Grey.